You already know my response isn't going to be short, but I'd really be a happy guy if you read it all carefully. I think it goes without saying that this is a damn important question you have asked, and it is WELL worth the time it takes for you to read this. Might even save your life. Really.
Everything in the above two posts is good advice.
Here's my own personal concern:
BECAUSE you are asking us such a deeply personal question on a message board -- it tells me you are not nearly as informed about HIV as you NEED to be. This is pretty much what BMG is driving at, too, I'd think: YOU are the ONLY person who can decide if you want to do anything further.
Understanding that point and how very important it is for you to take responsibility for yourself and for you to determine your own level of risk, MY opinion is that since you are not as educated as you need to be about this very important subject... perhaps you may wish to reconsider putting yourself at an increased risk until such time as you have a better understanding of the ways in which HIV is and is not transmitted.
Please read this carefully and don't jump to conclusions or take anything as a personal affront, OK?
I am WELL AWARE that your purpose in asking us about this is, in fact, to educate yourself and to learn what sexual acts pose what kind of risk. This is admirable and a great first step: I commend you for it.
However, though we could give you all the clinical details and provide many generalities, understanding HIV and the associated risks to non-infected partners is not really something that can be done with relative ease.
Dude, I've been studying HIV on my own since about 1988 -- and I'm talking SERIOUSLY studying it. Before that, I knew more than you seem to know now -- but I dig intense biology and like to understand things on many levels. So I took it much further than a lot of folks might need to do. No one is suggesting that you must learn molecular physics in order to understand what might happen -- I sure don't understand everything about that shit myself, though I do OK with it. What I'm saying is... it seems that maybe you are too NEW to this situation to be jumping into something you may later regret.
You MUST arm yourself with a hell of a lot more information than you seem to have. You don't need to study this stuff for fifteen years, but I'd like to suggest an interim period of knowledge gathering before you make such an important and personal choice.
When you enter into a contract, usually for a purchase, in many states (maybe it is nationwide, I am not sure), there are laws which allow for a "cooling off period," during which time you can cancel the contract with no penalties incurred. Lots of folks jump headfirst into a deal and then decide a few days later that perhaps they were too impulsive. Maybe the salesperson put on a really good show for them and talked them into buying something that does not quite suit their lifestyle the way they thought it would. Lucky for them, they have that "cooling off" period during which time they can reconsider their purchase.
But the thing is... with HIV... SHOULD you CATCH it... there's no cooling off period wherein you can decide that maybe you don't want this after all. Know what I mean?
If you want that cooling off period -- it is RIGHT NOW. My recommendation to you is that you TAKE IT and give this much thought.
You stated that this guy is "hot." Yes, well... That's nice. Why did you mention that? Would I be totally wrong if I guessed that your attraction to him on a physical level is so strong that you are willing to take this risk that you clearly do not fully understand just yet? Are you trying to convince YOURSELF that he is worth it? IS HE worth it? Is ANYONE worth it?
If you LOVED the guy... I could understand it more. But just because he is hot... hmmm... Sure wouldn't work for me. But hey: that's just ME.
The easy answer is yes, you most certainly can have sex with an HIV positive person and NOT get infected yourself. There are lots of positive/negative couples out there. And plenty of poz guys who are having safer sex with neg guys and never tell their partners they have the disease. HIV is both incredibly difficult to catch -- and extremely EASY to catch. WHY? Ah, well... THAT is what takes fifteen years of study to figure out, dude! (Sort of.)
If you insist on doing this -- do it with a condom.
And let me tell you something: I've had lots of offers from poz guys who want to suck my dick. I have never accepted any of them. I am appreciative that these guys have told me their status. But in doing so, even if I WERE willing to accept the risk, I would NOT have a good time. It would be on my mind and would remove any and all pleasure from the experience. I wouldn't be able to think of anything else.
What about YOU? Would it be on YOUR mind? Would it ruin the sex for both of you?
Since you posed this question here online -- I'm guessing it would.
Here's the VERY basic basics for you, dude:
Use a condom for anal, receptive OR insertive. It's not foolproof, but it's still the BEST protection out there.
Avoid contact with infectious bodily fluids. This means semen, pre-ejaculate, blood (breast milk and vaginal secretion in women). Tears, sweat and saliva are not a risk, though saliva DOES contain HIV, it is generally so weak and in such little concentration that it is considered to be rendered non-infective.
Remember that as a general rule, rougher sex is a bit more risky. Condoms can break more easily, micro-tears in the skin happen more frequently, and transmission risk increases.
Even with LOTS and LOTS of lubrication, anal sex can still create tears in the skin, certainly large enough for the virus to enter.
Every sex act is unique. There are LOTS of variables. NO ONE can tell you WHAT, EXACTLY, is likely to happen during each possible sexual act. This is why HIV is difficult to study in real-world conditions (and also because there are no long lines of men waiting to volunteer for controlled-risk experiments).
Anal, no condom: MOST unsafe of all . Anal sex with condom, MORE safe. Oral, no condom: unsafe, but not as unsafe as above. Oral with condom, much safer than both of the above. Mutual masturbation: very safe, but theoretical risk still exists. Mutual masturbation with condom: extremely safe. Kissing: for all intents and purposes, safe -- with the condition that you understand all the details regarding blood in the mouth, etc. Hugging: totally safe, for the purposes of our discussion here. Frottage: very, very safe. Licking the entire body: mostly very safe, with the same exceptions for blood and areas that may allow exposure to semen and precum. Rimming: low risk for HIV, but not impossible, though very unlikely. However, rimming contains risks for other STDs.
Swallowing cum or not swallowing: it probably doesn't matter. We suspect that cases of HIV from oral exposure to infected semen probably happen in the mouth or back of the throat, so spitting it out may not make much difference. HIV IS killed in stomach acid, but... it has to pass through the mouth and throat to get there first. At the same time, we believe, and have shown in laboratory experiments (ONLY -- never in real-world tests), that saliva can somehow deactivate HIV, making it less infective. But... AMOUNT is critical to infection. You need ENOUGH HIV to get into the bloodstream to infect you. Can saliva "kill" it all? We have no idea, sorry. How much is "enough?" Sorry, we don't know that, either. What we DO know is that SMALL amounts of HIV CAN and ARE killed in the body. Infections happen when the body cannot kill all of it fast enough. Once it takes hold, that's it.
It is possible, but unproven, that repeated exposure may be necessary, or at least is "helpful" in contracting the disease. But that starts to get complex and we should leave that topic for now.
There ARE lots of people who have sex with poz partners and do not become infected. Sometimes they NEVER get infected -- sometimes they can go years and years and have safer sex and not get infected... then suddenly they DO. There are some who get infected IMMEDIATELY, or nearly immediately.
We cannot tell you how or why this happens -- at least not to any degree of scientific certainty, or in easy to understand discussion, so just accept that this is true.
So you can see why this is such a deeply personal decision you have to make here. And you can see why we cannot make it for you.
A final bit of understanding and sympathy here, because I think it's necessary: HIV positive people need love, too. Sex, at least for me, is part of human love, be it with a lifelong partner or a guy I may never see again. HIV poz guys can feel unwanted, unloved, sexually frustrated, socially unaccepted. This is just one more reason why such a tiny, little virus is so insidiously EVIL. Not only will it kill you someday, but it makes your life miserable on many levels long before that happens. So it is important to recognize that folks with HIV are not social pariahs. They do deserve our respect and compassion. But at the same time -- we must NEVER, EVER feel "obligated" to do ANYTHING which puts us at risk just because we want to love our fellow man. If we are not comfortable being sexual with an HIV positive individual we can still be friends, if nothing else.
If you were my son (and I can't believe I'm writing that, I still FEEL like I'm eighteen myself), I'd tell you that you need more time and education before you are reasonably armed with enough information to make your choice. I'd suggest you study more. I'd tell you to think carefully. I'd encourage that "cooling off" period we talked about. And most importantly, I'd tell you to THINK WITH YOUR BRAIN AND NOT WITH YOUR DICK.
And then I'd probably lock you in your room for a couple years. This is why I will never adopt!
Meanwhile, may I suggest:
www.thebody.com
An all-time favorite website I've recommended here many times. It's a good jumping-off point to learn about HIV. There is SO much more that we haven't discussed in this little thread. You may wish to learn about the opportunistic infections that are associated with HIV which can increase your own risk IF the person you are having sex with has any of them at the time. You may also wish to learn which of the actual infections are ALSO transmittable to you OUTSIDE of the HIV virus, such as, for example, molluscum contagiosum, which you can catch FROM an HIV poz person who is more likely to have it than a guy without HIV. Stuff like that.
Furthermore, consider just spending maybe one or two hours a week -- you can spare that -- sitting at your PC and Googling HIV. You'll find lots of great sites and tons of information. Just DO be cautious: some shit online is biased in one direction or another.
We have discussed what I call "personal level of risk" here at CFS for many years. Each of us decides for ourselves what kind of sex we will have, with whom we will have it, and what protective measures we will take. There are guys who are extremely unsafe and have unprotected sex EVERY time. There are men who just the opposite, who have almost NO sex because they are terrified to live their lives. And there are those of us in the middle who try our best to have a healthy and satisfying sex life without undo risk. And sometimes we all make mistakes -- or we alter or level of risk depending on the circumstance.
The secret is that life is meant to be lived. If you take extreme risks and put yourself in danger too many times... maybe you won't have much of a life to life after all. The opposite end of the spectrum is denying yourself ALL (or most) sex because you are too afraid to live your life. For me, and I think for MOST of us here, the answer is somewhere in the middle: safety AND a happy life. YOU CAN have it both ways -- if you are prepared and properly educated.
Hope this helps, dude. It's a complex and controversial topic, but it's a GREAT question you posed. So please, in no way should you think I am being condescending when I say you need to learn more. Just the opposite, in fact: I applaud your efforts.
Whatever you do, whatever you decide... play safe.
Happy life, dude.