When I was 11 back in the early 1970s my mother had me see a child psychologist. I'd been depressed, didn't fit in with other kids, didn't want (or really couldn't) be in school, and so on. Being military, we had moved between so many school systems, and I was what they then called a "bright kid" -- "gifted" now, perhaps -- and I never belonged. In second grade in one state they had me leave class to study reading with the fifth graders. In third grade in another state, they had me sit in the corner by myself and read and study on my own. And on and on...
Anyhow, the psychologist was called in when I started to give up on sixth grade. The one thing I especially remember about him is that he asked me if I'd seen "Cabaret" and what I thought about it. I told him I was too young to see it, of course, and didn't think about it further.
Looking back now, I realize that a lot of people knew I was gay before I could think about it myself. It took me even longer to accept it, growing up with Roman Catholic teachings and all that. But by 13 I knew I was attracted to the gym teacher; this was in yet another state. I realize now that he had a classic 1970s porn-star look including mustache, although I sure didn't know it at the time. We moved again, and there was another porny looking choir leader I liked. You can see the pattern.
I should move on, so much work to do... But I can say that it really took me years to accept being gay just in my own mind. For me, I guess I thought little about society and other people's opinions. Mainly I was dead set on deciding for myself who I was and what I would do. I was never one to conform or let others decide for me. So, when I wasn't ready, I wasn't ready. And when I was decided, I was all in and ready to go.
I think I was always an "edge case," an eccentric outlier, and always will be. For the kids today, sexuality is probably more fluid. Maybe they're gay today. Maybe next year they'll be bi or straight. I think of Anne Heche who was straight and then lesbian and then I-don't-know-what. Then I think of earlier Hollywood stars with similar relationships with both sexes, but who kept it secret. (Speaking of "Cabaret," how about Liza's father Vincente Minelli...?) For these kids, maybe they, too, will simply do whatever, and in many places they have the freedom for that. In many other places they do not.
It would be interesting to follow up on how these kids see themselves 5, 10, 15, even 20 years from now. You never know.
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