Honestly, there were a few guys my age who I was attracted to and one I dated for a couple months. He was in law school, I was studying International Relations, and we were both in Dignity. a large community of gay and lesbian Catholics in DC.

I think a lot of the young guys like me who were just exploring our sexuality and also so focused on education and career were naive: We knew who we wanted but other than seeing some porn magazines or whatever, didn't always know what to do or the actual "mechanics" and protocol involved. We had reached the gay scene through a different entrance than the guys who started out in the bars, the streets, in undergrad, or whatever. Being that intellectually focused plus the religious component, guys like us found a way to put all the pieces together in this group, the Espiscopalian Integrity group, and so on. (Although some of what I heard about what went on in seminaries could fill a book...)

Sidebar: I can add that at that time, early- to mid-1980s, there were quite a few gay priests either assigned to DC-based organizations or studying in DC who found it a place of refuge away from the oversight and eyes of the local bishop wherever they had come from. The had more freedom, weren't "being watched" as closely as they would have been in their home diocese, and were able to behave differently, speak more freely, and so on. They were in the baths, the dance clubs, the leather bars, etc., and were living private and sexual lives just like other gay men. Whether lay or cleric, we told each other, "The Church changes in centuries, not in years" and simply lived our lives while we waited. That all changed with a late-1980s crackdown by then Cardinal Ratzinger, later Pope Benedict. After that, some started a sort of "faithful dissent," still intellectual and sort of political, even as the priests and professors were disciplined or disavowed by the Church and our groups across the US were expelled from Catholic facilities. In time, I left the Church and so did many others. I might call myself a "pious agnostic" now (borrowing that phrase from a lesbian theologian) though I'd rather not have a label. Many of my old friends are either similar, became Episcopalian, or joined some other denomination.

Back to the mid-1980s story: Having "arrived," we younger guys could sort of fumble around with each other or we could hook up with some really attractive older guys, both physically and on the points of personality and character, who also were well experienced, sensitive, and knew exactly what to do. They taught us by example. Choosing the older guys was often a better choice, although I certainly do regret some opportunities both with guys my age and with older ones that I passed up. Sometimes I look back and think "what if?" but that's water under the bridge.

~ Bob

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