There is one word to best explain why Hamburg should be on the list of all serious sex pigs: Tom’s. Make that Tom’s Saloon (Pulverteich 17). Not to be confused with the faux Tom’s Bar in Berlin, this is the real thing. This place is not for the squeamish, picky, or drag queens (well, leather is drag isn’t it?), Tom’s Saloon will transport you to sex pig heaven in no time.

Joe and I arrived Monday night about 11:30 pm and the place was hopping by any standard for a weeknight. It will be easy to spot the building since someone painted the outside of the complex the colors of the rainbow flag. Yuck. The complex houses 3 businesses (besides Tom’s, there is P.I.T. and Male), but when you walk in head straight down to the basement. On weekend’s it can be extremely busy which is why I prefer weeknights. Monday saw roughly 25 to 30 men, with a steady stream of people coming and going. Average age: 33. Mostly tall Germans, many in some sort of macho outfit (army fatigues, skin-tight jeans, a few in rubber or leather), virtually all in reasonably good shape but not a lot of extreme muscle on display.

You enter first into the main bar area and the surly, yet attentive bartender. Screens display hardcore porn. Nothing exceptional thus far, but after you get your beer, walk behind the bar into the adjoining room and you’ll see a room with an art collection of original Tom of Finland drawings worthy of museum status. Including the drawings in the bar area, there must be at least 30 original drawings, all safely protected by covering and an alarm system. I’d recommend coming here just to see what must be one of the prized collections of the master.

But then again at this bar you have the option of living out some of the fantasies captured by Tom of Finland. Those tall, Nordic and Germanic men in their chaps with bulging crotches are not into attitude here. Well, there is attitude, but it is the right kind.

Another room is used for socializing and also observing persons as they come and go from the dark room. Some private cabins may be used for a fee and when you do go to the men’s room you’ll find yourself in not just any toilet, but one designed to enhance sexual play. It isn’t that unusual to find at least one waiting mouth on his knees next to one of the urinals. Spacious and dark, the toilet is actually as much a part of the action as anywhere else in the bar.

It is into the dark room that one should enter when you’ve sized everyone up, put your wallet away in a safe space, and got your bottle of poppers ready. I’d recommend a right turn when you enter to allow yourself to adjust to almost total darkness. The action most nights gravitates to the left, thus go right to get your perspective. It is a maze essentially with a few exposed cubicles and gloryholes. No doors – not here. This will be in the tradition of all true dark rooms – communal sex is the key.

When you’re ready, head back towards the entrance to the dark room but go forward and you’ll probably be confronted by a queue of men waiting to enter a room where the sex can be non-stop. I figure maybe 10 men could squeeze into this room, but maybe not. It sees a constant influx of new meat. Lots of guys will wait outside and when the right guy enters the dark room, go in pursuit. I’m of the school of thought that you just go for the crowd and plunge right in. No holding back, just go for it and forget about being selective. First someone will massage your chest, and then a hand will gravitate towards your fly, unzip and start stroking your cock. There are likely at least one or two guys who are walking around nearly naked with their well-lubed and well-used asses ready for the taking. Reach over and touch their ass and these human fuckholes will move over to you, position themselves, bend over and let you do it. The moans and cries of pleasure only add to the excitement.

I went into the dark room, took the plunge, and was in and out in 30 minutes, having sucked at least 3 cocks and taken one of the thicker ones up my ass. Yes, things move fast back here.

Dress code is not generally enforced. Men wear sneakers and boots. Jeans and dress pants. Leather and casual. You’ll not be out of place here unless you come with an uptight notion about dark room sex. On the other hand, if you’re ready to pig out I’d call the airline now and book my flight. Year-round, Tom’s Saloon is one of the top sex dens in the world.