I am a very shy guy that has been thinking about being with another man for years, but I have not been able to approach another man. I have visited a few gay bars, but very little has occurred outside of having a few short conversations with a
few men. Does anyone have any advice on how or where I
could go to have a 1st time experience?

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Hey VSG:-)

A good start may be to keep in mind that 'Sex discriminates against the Shy and the Ugly', according to Murphy. Now, you call yourself here a Very Shy Guy. Try to see, if you can leave the group which is usually getting little or no action and join the 'upper echelons' who tend to get all the fun.

A good start might be to fill out your profile here and find a few good platforms (one of them is CFS) and place your profiles and ads on the Web.

Another idea would be to learn about the rules of cruising for men. If you go back to the discussions here, you'll find loads of relevant advice. No one here was born with all that knowledge. Much was learned on the go and much was learned by listening to the experience of other guys, too. (You do not need to make all the basic mistakes, do you?)

Everything that works starts with a plan. So, decide, what is it that you really want? A quick, largely anonymous encounter in a bath house, ABS, etc., or a more of a dating stuff? Whom do you find attractive and interesting? Where do such guys tend to gather. Are you into the bears, leather bunch, preppies, college crowds? What would you identify as your scene?

Once you fill in all those blanks, shoot back and I am sure, plenty of guys here will give you good hints how to get where you want to be.

KD

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Just a few things to add also - be honest with the guy if you are planning on having sex with him. Let him know it is your first time & do not be embarrassed about it. This way - the guy are you meeting does not think you are "not into him" or anything. Let him know what you are interested in doing - maybe you want to get sucked off & nothing else? Maybe you want to jack him off? Maybe more - but be honest with yourself & the guy you are with. That will help you have a most enjoyable time.

__________________
Corey

Not as innocent as one might think

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[I wrote this last night offline and decided to post it today, so excuse any information repeated here that the other guys have already mentioned. I wanted to spend a little time writing something out for you, and also to make post #500 a little zippy just for fun. The sarcasms are all in jest, so don't take offense. There's actual advice in here, too. And since this is moderately long, anyone not interested can skip ahead...]


Dude, no one can tell you exactly what you should do. Everyone has their own unique way of approaching sexual situations. What we can do, however, is offer up some basic advice and let you consider what, if any, you feel is most suitable for you.

You make a point of letting us know you consider yourself a shy guy, and I'm quite sure that whether or not you are shy in your everyday life, obviously you are going to feel out of place attempting a first-time sexual experience which is new to you.

I'm not about to get into a psychoanalytic lecture about shyness in general, especially since factors needed to deduce the root of your particular problem are unavailable based on your post. Also, it would be boring as hell and I'm just not that smart. That aside, however, I'd suggest some basic self-confidence boosting exercises which would not only help you if shyness is a problem in everyday situations, but in sexual situations as well.

Remember the lame Saturday Night Live gag with Stuart Smalley and his "Daily Affirmations?" Try it, but do yourself a favor and don't be so sappy. Also, it helps immensely if you can look into a mirror and NOT see anything similar to a reflection of Al Franken. If you DO see Al Franken, apply immediately for "Extreme Makeover" and disregard the above advice. Seriously, though -- make a habit out of trying to come up with ONE good thing about yourself each day (more often if you like). The actual mirror is optional, and in fact, doing away with it might save some embarrassment anyway. But honestly examining yourself in both a subjective and objective manner can be very helpful. Uplifting, even. Everyone has some good qualities they can bring to the table (exceptions to this might include the cast of "The View" and perhaps Bill O'Reilly), so focus on that which might help you achieve your desired goal. Later, after you've had a few dicks in your mouth, you can adjust the "desired goal" as you see fit.

Trying to get sex in a gay bar these days isn't as easy as it used to be. It can be quite intimidating for a newbie, yet I also wonder... why haven't you been attacked at the door, strung up on a hook, and randomly sodomized as "new meat" yet? Could be that you're not giving out the right signals to the clientèle, things like breathing and blinking which indicate you are actually alive. Honestly, though: if no one is talking to you, you are probably giving out strong body language that you may not even be aware of which is telling the guys that you are not interested, frightened, or in some way unapproachable. So change that, man. Make eye contact. Keep your palms up and open if you talk to someone, or even when ordering a drink. Scan the room. Do NOT cross your arms. Stuff a sock in your pants, things like that.

How about talking to a guy on your own? Send a drink to someone. Offer to "hold that for ya" to some dude at the urinal. Lay on the bar and take your shirt off. Or just maybe say hello...

Perhaps try a different bar in town. Not all bars have the same atmosphere. You might fit in much better somewhere else.

Bars may not be your best bet at all for a first time fling. If you want more anonymity and much less talk, try out some of the more seedy cruising options available to you: bathhouses, local "public" areas, adult book stores, etc. Make an internet ad. Let me see... WHERE could you maybe place an ad seeking sex and have the freedom to tailor it to your needs and reach local guys in your area? If I think of a website with feature like that, I'll let you know.

Seriously, there's something to be said for eliminating all inhibitions if you're kneeling at a gloryhole and have a hard dick shoved at your face. It's just you and PENIS. Doesn't get any easier than that. Hard to be shy when no one is looking... or talking... or forcing any sort of human contact whatsoever except mouth to boner.

When you think about it, this really isn't any different from anything else in life you might want and aren't sure exactly how to get. You make a plan, set some goals, then go out and DO IT. Admittedly, this doesn't always work for things such as winning the lottery or being the first on your block to finish the latest page turner recommended by Oprah's Book Club, but at least it's a good start.

Dude, in all seriousness, confidence comes from WITHIN. Fulfilling your desires is up to YOU. I've been blasted a few times for discussing karmic doctrine, but I do believe that what you put out there eventually comes back to you. Project your interest and there will be a response. If you don't allow anyone to see INTO you, even a little bit, they won't have the slightest clue what your game is. Honestly, sometimes in gay bars or in fact ANY gay cruising situation, it's like the old adage about seeing a wild animal: "Don't worry, now. He's more afraid of you than you are of him." Yeah, well... that's tough to believe when it's a grizzly bear or a Komodo dragon, perhaps, but you get the idea. There may well be men in that bar, bathhouse or bookstore who are INTO you but equally as nervous about making the first move. You can sit there and wait and maybe you'll get lucky. You can take a chance and speak first. The worst that can happen is a polite rejection (most will be polite, believe it or not). And possibly... you might run into another shy guy and the two of you sort of meet in the middle mutually.

Look... I've gained my own confidence over the last few years. It wasn't always easy to do. Sometimes it was. Often I got cocky and I had to give myself a reality check (sorry for that trendy slang, I hate that shit). You make a little progress, you take a setback if it happens, you go for it again.

I have to admit... I get a big ego boost and an emotional high from being NOTICED. I take much more pride in myself now than I ever did. I look in the mirror and I'm pretty satisfied with what I see, yet I am ready and willing to make even more changes to improve myself. I know I'm not everyone's type -- and that's cool. You can't take that shit personally. It's not entirely superficial or egotistical to simply take care of yourself in ways you might normally neglect. Your efforts will not only make you feel good about yourself, they will get you noticed, too -- both from the fact that you look good and from the fact that you feel more confident. Understand I'm not saying you MUST be a slob or anything like that -- I'm just saying that there is ALWAYS some way we can focus a little more attention on ourselves. Little things can help quite a bit. Get a new haircut. Try some new kinds of clothes. Pick out some sort of grooming or personal body care that you otherwise ignore and focus on it -- even something as silly as flossing your teeth daily. The act of doing some of these things just for YOU is more satisfying and ego-encouraging than you might think.

When I felt that I was at the lowest of my all-time personal lows, after wallowing in my misery for a short time, I decided to refocus all that negative energy and DO SOMETHING entirely different, new and out of character for me. I drove 1,200 miles to New England and I met a guy I'd been talking to online for over a year. Many things happened on this adventure. Most importantly, I made a great friend that I respect and cherish. Also, I ate escargot. No, really. It was sautéed in a garlic butter sauce. Not bad, but in the future I'll probably still just stick with the fries. I did some other stuff, too: I took a gay sunset cruise with a bunch of dudes I'd never met before. I learned to talk to ANYONE at all. I went camping with a group of leather aficionados. I walked ten miles in the rain and the mist by myself one afternoon to explore Cape Cod. It was mind-bending, actually. Oh, yeah... I also did a lot of slutty stuff, too: I went to visit an ABS about a thousand times late at night and got my dick sucked EASILY nine times out of ten. I even met several old "friends" and a few old tricks from my youth in that very bookstore. After all of that and more, I traveled back home and started my life again, and everything I did I did for ME. I packed, I moved, I redecorated, I lost weight, I changed my appearance. All this has helped me become the arrogant, obnoxious, annoying bastard you see today. No, seriously... what it did was help me become a better person and I learned that even the most stubborn fucker can make positive changes in his own life, if he really wants to.

So work on that, bit by bit. Do what's right for YOU.

Or, just go shove your cock through a gloryhole and be done with it. Better yet, come down here to Florida and I'll teach you how to suck dick for five or six hours. BYOB and I'll order a pizza.

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