There have been numerous times here over the last couple years when guys have asked questions regarding safer sex which include hypothetical scenarios and are geared toward alleviating their fears regarding the amount of risk they believe they have taken during a recent sexual episode.

It's a VERY good thing to ask these questions, but the fact that so many guys are offering up hypotheticals for which no definitive answers exist clearly indicates that: A) Men are not as educated about safer sex and STDs as we might hope; B) Men are regretting unsafe sex after the fact which means that C) Men are STILL having unsafe sex which they KNOW to be unsafe therefore, D) Men are seeking advice which they hope will comfort them.

By all means, KEEP asking questions. But asking questions and NOT changing one's behavior doesn't do any good: one must put into practice what one has learned. Teaching others what you have learned would be helpful, too. We can certainly teach by EXAMPLE as well...

If I click on the other thread in this forum, the one regarding the impossible to calculate odds for catching an STD via unprotected anal sex, I'm just going to get pissed off. And frankly, why ruin a perfectly good hurricane weekend by starting out on a Monday pissed off? So the last word there won't be mine. I thought instead that posting this might be of some use to someone, somewhere, and a better expenditure of my own time as well.

If the guy who posted that other thread reads this, or if ANY guys read this who have had unsafe sex which they KNOW is unsafe, and then sit and fret and worry about the potential odds of catching something, I'd like to ask these guys a question:

IF you had known in advance that your partner DID, in fact, have HIV (or any other STD), would you STILL have had the unprotected sex which you are currently worried about?

This is a HUGE question of great importance. It is, in fact, the ULTIMATE question you need to ask yourself. It could very well save your life, or at the very least, spare you embarrassing visits to the doc to get some antibiotics.

Obviously, many of us have had sex and NOT asked our partners if they have HIV or another STD. And really... while asking is a GREAT idea, and CAN help to elicit the truth from someone who might otherwise omit this information, we still cannot accept someone's word on this. Two reasons why not: some men will lie regardless, and many people who are infected with an STD do NOT KNOW they are infected with an STD. So while just asking is still very important, it isn't the solution to a situation we might later regret.

In the approximate seventeen years or so (give or take), that I've been messing around online with sex advice issues, I've talked to a lot of guys who have regrets about unsafe sex they've had. This is to be expected, and I'm happy to say that most of them seem to have adjusted their lifestyle once they have been through a scare and come out OK in the end. That's great news.

While I NEVER, EVER give out any details of private emails, I think it is OK here to simply generalize for a moment... Not even counting my time on OTHER forums, just talking about time here at CFS, I've had emails from about seven or eight dudes who needed some hand holding while they went through HIV testing. A guy gets in touch, says he is concerned about a recent encounter he had, then wants me to tell him what the chances are of his becoming infected with HIV based on detailed descriptions of what he did sexually with someone else. I can tell someone if they did something that was high risk or low risk or moderate risk, but beyond that... there's no way to get any more specific. The only advice that can be given is to go get tested if you want a definitive answer. Some guys refuse to do it. Others will do it, but want a friend to talk to until they get their results. These can be an agonizing week or two for these guys. Since I'm not breaking any confidences here, I'll say that so far NONE of the guys I have ever talked to has had a positive HIV test result. That's AWESOME. And once they go through this little hell on Earth of waiting for test results (and gathering up the courage to go get tested in the first place), they are often so relieved that they make sure they practice safer sex from then on. Why go through THAT again?

So pretend we live in a perfect world. Pretend you ALWAYS know if your sex partner has an STD. Then ask yourself the Ultimate Question:

"Would I engage in the kind of unsafe sex we want to have together with the knowledge that this guy has a disease?"

Men are out there sticking their bare dicks into assholes left and right. They are, without question, doing this because they believe "ignorance is bliss." (We can discount the "gifters" and the "bug chasers" here -- they are rare and mentally unstable and do not represent the majority of gay men.) So, then: men are fucking whatever they want, without protection, because they would rather NOT know. They think they'll beat the odds, or that somehow by ignoring the potential for disease, this will make them safe.

Does anyone here think most men would STILL have bareback sex if their partner TOLD them he had HIV? Would they still shove their dick in his ass, even if they were the insertive top, even if there was LOTS of lube, even if they fucked nice and slow? Does anyone think these guys would even be able to get hard in the first place, having this knowledge? Does anyone think the sex itself would be pleasurable at all?

If you KNEW... would you STILL do it?

I'm betting you would NOT.

And if that is the case -- WHY then, do you do it just because you don't know?

The guy could lie. The guy could not know himself. EVERY guy you ever fuck bareback MIGHT be putting you at risk -- and of course, every guy you LET fuck you bareback would be putting you at risk, if you're a bottom.

Think about this very important question, guys. It will save you a LOT of agony later on, when you are sitting at home alone, terrified that you fucked up, wondering just WHAT the odds might be of you having caught something you will seriously regret.

If you KNEW... would you STILL do it?

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Your post is right on.

We can really only account for our own actions as we have no idea what other guys are doing, even if they tell us they play safe all the time. I just go by a rule of thumb that everyone has everything and act accordingly.

I'm not sure what guys would do if they knew, I would think a good percentage would skip it.

However, there are issues such as drug and alcohol abuse that clouds guys judgements and I think that's where a lot of risky behavior comes into play, at least from what I see here in Boston.

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We've discussed at great length and very extensively the behavorial factors which puts a person at risk for acquiring and transmitting STDs. There is near consensus that each and every person must evaluate their own risk factors and make a conscious effort to change their behavior to minimize or eliminate their risk.

Most of the sexual behavior between men cruising other men for sex occurs under various disguises of our identities and behaviors. We are not only having lots of sex anonymously, we're also concealing our health histories and practices.

Increasingly, I hear men make the claim they are healthy despite the fact they are HIV positive. On its face, this claim is self-deception. But, what about those men who have never been tested for HIV? Should we give those men the benefit of doubt and assume they are healthy? Since we don't know these anonymous people and their health history, much less their past sexual history and behavior, the benefit of doubt ought to guide our own behaviors accordingly.

Inasmuch as I'd like believe that all sexually active men are being tested regularly for STDs and they are all practicing safe sex behaviors, we can only change or modify our own behaviors to minimize or eliminate the risks for acquiring STDs. Our first line of defense is evaluating our own risk factors and making a conscious effort to change our behaviors. Men cruising other men for anonymous sex needn't be inherently unsafe if we evaluate our own risk factors and make a conscious effort to change our behaviors. There is no second line of defense because no other alternative choice is available.

__________________
Those who deny freedom to others deserve it not for themselves. And, under a just God, cannot long retain it.

-- Abraham Lincoln

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Scruffy,

I think most people are aware of the risk. they are just hoping that there is some new or more recent information out there or the occasional person that will say it aint so!

You would think as long as we have been passing off the bacterial STD's and sexually transmitted parasites that there has been some education going on out there...and it has. Just some people are selective on what they hear or what they believe.

Keep up the comments man....people need to hear it!

__________________
40 something, 6' 175 brn/brn hairy looking for other married wm or younger guys to play.

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I had met a guy in a bookstore and we went to his place even though I knew my hemorrhoids had flared up (usually I stay home when this happens). He was playing with my ass and I knew it probably looked like a big olive was sticking out (purple not black or green). Though I was uncomfortable mentioning it, I wanted to say something because I was certain he noticed. I started to say "I have . . ." in a hesitant manner, when he said "no, don't." I told him anyway, but I'm guessing hemorrhoids were not what he thought I was leading up to.

Just thought this illustrated the ignorance is bliss point.

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I wonder though - isn't this nearly the same situation in the striaght world as well? I have lots of straight friends who do the same thing - they get drunk or meet someone online and have totally unsafe and unprotected sex.

So I think alot of this is just plain ignorance and repression about sex period. I can only comment on American culture & society and being from California but not a liberal area (read: not LA or SF).

It seems that until our culture and society's attitudes begin changing about sex as a whole - this will always be a problem.

But that doesnt excuse our own personal behavior or choices either.

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