Here's a "little" something for you, dude. GuyTopeka is right -- I'm one of those NOT concerned with post length. So to anyone who isn't interested in reading it, DON'T. I wrote this for the original poster and anyone who may benefit from it in the future. Devoted a good bit of time to it, too...

You should note that I wrote this offline and with the assumption that you WILL have to go through this separation. I fully support any attempts you might want to make to save your relationship. Sometimes there's nothing you can do if the other person has made up his mind, in which case you might benefit at least a little bit from what I wrote for you.

Here you go:

Since you understandably don't wish to recount your lengthy tale here, I'll have to make a few assumptions in order to write a response.

Seems like you're saying you've been with one guy for twenty-five years, then the two of you have been with another guy for eight years. Now your longtime partner is ready to leave. You love your partner and realize you don't really love the other guy. Or possibly vice-versa. Doesn't really matter...

There's not a lot advice anyone can give you to make you feel much better as you go through this difficult and painful process over which you have little control (of the eventual outcome, at any rate -- you can control other things, which is what is most important that you take away from this). I'd also rather post a few things here in hopes that others might benefit from it somewhere down the road -- it's better to share this kind of stuff rather than keep it secret in private emails.

As you may or may not know, the very end of my relationship of fourteen years found its impetus with the introduction of a threeway relationship. Like you, I really only ever loved my partner -- I was sadly confused about my feelings for the other guy. I knew the relationship was in trouble long before this, though -- and I can at least empathize with you in that watching love fade and die is very sad indeed.

While I believe it's true that the length of time you spend with someone makes it even harder to finally separate, I also believe that loss is always LOSS. Exceptions might be made for men who go from boyfriend to boyfriend every few months, those who play the field and don't allow their hearts to become involved. But for guys like us, who wanted a to share a lifetime with someone else... duration isn't necessarily going to make it any harder or any easier when the time comes to say good-bye...

In our cases, this divorce isn't a very mutual thing. I'm betting you know, as I knew, that it is probably the RIGHT thing, if only for the fact that someone you love doesn't love you in quite the same way. I think that after so many years together, it is not possible to simply STOP loving someone completely -- but it is more than possible to no longer be romantically in love with someone. Sure, all romance fades, but that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about the romance of the PARTNERSHIP itself -- the things you did together, the way you shared your lives, the high comfort level of the companionship itself. While sexual romance dwindles, quite often these things grow stronger. But when one person feels it is time to move on... there isn't much you can do about that. He no longer shares the passion for the relationship that you do -- his love for you must surely still exist, but it has CHANGED.

I can't pretend I understand how this can happen. It seems like it would be an impossibility for me to personally want to give up on sharing a loving relationship with someone. Want to know how I learned to accept and understand it? It was easy, in retrospect: I had to accept and understand it because it simply WAS.

We can delve into the scientific mysteries of our lives, our planet, our universe... few of us will ever grasp the many detailed concepts and theorems that explain what we know about how it all works to make it what it is. Most of us just accept that IT IS. Electrons circle protons and neutrons to make atoms which bind together to make molecules... it's all fascinating to me, I love science -- but even when I don't understand a scientific principle, I realize that it isn't the end of my quest for knowledge if something is beyond me. Sometimes just knowing that things work for a REASON is enough.

My Mom and my friends like to ask me questions, assuming I've got the trivia they need stored in my memory somewhere. Most of the time I do. But my Mom likes to ask questions that start with "why" much more than any other types of questions. It's the "why" questions that most often throw me for a loop. Even when there IS an answer, there are instances where the science needed to explain it to her is something she couldn't grasp. Computers, for example. Mom wants to know about computers quite often, but it's hard to start discussing them when she doesn't have a clue what something as simple as RAM is. Weather... she wants to know WHY most of the nation gets less snow than where she lives. But I can't explain prevailing winds, pressure gradients, and how the jet stream shifts seasonally if she has no conception of what these things are. So now and then I offer a simple explanation and finish it off with: "That's just how it works. That's the way it is."

What's happening to you is NOT the end of the world, but I'd by lying if I tried to tell you it isn't the end to a very big part of what YOUR personal world used to be. It certainly is. Divorce isn't easy when one party isn't willing. In fact, it's one of the most stressful things that can happen in someone's life.

Loss IS loss -- and it might not be fair to those we love who have actually left this world to compare divorce to death, but I'm afraid that there are many similarities. The loss is huge. This won't be easy for you; you already know that. Yet you are prepared, and that's a good thing.

I went through many of the stages of grief when my ex life: denial, anger, depression, acceptance (no bargaining, though). You can expect the same. The thing is, you seem to have already accepted it, and that's a good start. When it actually happens, though... you may end up going through many of those stages anyway. It might be helpful if you keep it in the back of your mind as your feeling these things that they are natural and expected -- and most importantly, that they WILL pass.

You will also benefit greatly if you allow yourself the time and freedom to feel whatever you need to feel. If you have family and friends who may be of help to you, don't hesitate to seek them out. Some of my family was more supportive than others, but I expected that: some simply didn't know what to say or do, but they made sure they were at least THERE for me. Just be being themselves they were a great help.

When you are ready to do so, make at least a rudimentary plan for yourself. There's no denying that this situation will be highly stressful and depleting -- but you cannot allow yourself to wallow in that for too long. Try, if you can, to set some goals or make some changes that are designed to benefit YOU. Of course, if you derive pleasure from doing things for others, by all means, do so -- but also do some stuff that's just for you alone. It might sound frivolous to hear at first, but all sorts of little things can help you establish a new life and a new outlook. Get a new pet. Find a new hobby, or devote time to an old hobby you'd put aside. Take a trip by yourself. Make a new friend. Start a diet. Cook new foods. Redecorate your home. Buy new clothes. Try a meal you've never had before. Buy something you've always wanted but never got around to getting. Go ahead, indulge a little.

These things worked for me, as did ultimately seeing the situation for what it was and accepting that sometimes I am powerless to change or control EVERYTHING in my life -- but I am ALWAYS able to change and control MYSELF, as long as I WANT it. So focus on YOURSELF, because that is ultimately where your power resides.

Though our stories have some similarities, they are probably also very, very different. What we have in common, however, is the sad experience of loss -- and having to face CHANGE perhaps a bit before we were ready to do so.

In parting, I do NOT think that a single (albeit very long) post is going to make a vast difference for you, but I DO think it may help a LITTLE, and that's enough for now. Knowing that you're not the only one out there who has been through this may offer some bit of consolation. I think it is important that you follow through with your original idea and seek out some counseling for yourself. You did a brave thing stepping up and telling us, even in a very small way, that you are hurting. Don't ever let it leave your mind during the upcoming difficult times that this can be a positive change for you, if you let it. Hurt when you need to hurt, rally when you're ready. It's OK if common sense gets pushed aside now and then -- it will return, I promise.

Focus on embracing the change as much as you can. Fear it as little as possible.

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