Not sure this is the place to ask, since this is not sex related, but I'll try it.

Where does one find groups/people/therapists in gay relationship matters such as separation acceptance?

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Have you checked with your local gay resource center (without being too familiar wih CT geography):
http://www.dv-8.com/resources/us/local/ct.html
http://www.glnh.org/northeas.htm

__________________
Corey

Not as innocent as one might think

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Relationships involve sexual activities between partners -- I'd say you've got the right place.

Have you split with a partner and need help? You mentioned separation... Or is this a matter of one of you guys being away for long periods of time?

Why not write out your situation and ask for advice, as well as seeking outside counseling?

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I would love to write my situation but to be honest it would take about 10 pages, see we are talking a 3-way triangle that involves a 25 year and an 8 year relationship.
Is is coming to a head and I am having a problem accepting that one partner may be moving on, yes, I'm selfish, I want both, I love both but I'm in love with ONE, the one thinking of moving on.
Feel free to write me if your interested in chatting, it feels good just talking to a neutral party.
I need a counsler who can help me let go without feeling like the world is over.

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Wannabj,

Have you looked at http://www.gayhealth.com? Click on Care Network on the left on their main page. Depending where you live, you might find several referrals here.

Keep in mind you are not having to deal with this alone. We're here to talk to also. Don't worry about the length of your post. That doesn't stop anyone else

Here's some unsolicited advice: now is not the time to hold back your feelings toward this other person. You have to tell them exactly how important they are in your life. Unless they know how you truly feel, they may make their decision based on incorrect assumptions to the detriment of both of you.

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Here's a "little" something for you, dude. GuyTopeka is right -- I'm one of those NOT concerned with post length. So to anyone who isn't interested in reading it, DON'T. I wrote this for the original poster and anyone who may benefit from it in the future. Devoted a good bit of time to it, too...

You should note that I wrote this offline and with the assumption that you WILL have to go through this separation. I fully support any attempts you might want to make to save your relationship. Sometimes there's nothing you can do if the other person has made up his mind, in which case you might benefit at least a little bit from what I wrote for you.

Here you go:

Since you understandably don't wish to recount your lengthy tale here, I'll have to make a few assumptions in order to write a response.

Seems like you're saying you've been with one guy for twenty-five years, then the two of you have been with another guy for eight years. Now your longtime partner is ready to leave. You love your partner and realize you don't really love the other guy. Or possibly vice-versa. Doesn't really matter...

There's not a lot advice anyone can give you to make you feel much better as you go through this difficult and painful process over which you have little control (of the eventual outcome, at any rate -- you can control other things, which is what is most important that you take away from this). I'd also rather post a few things here in hopes that others might benefit from it somewhere down the road -- it's better to share this kind of stuff rather than keep it secret in private emails.

As you may or may not know, the very end of my relationship of fourteen years found its impetus with the introduction of a threeway relationship. Like you, I really only ever loved my partner -- I was sadly confused about my feelings for the other guy. I knew the relationship was in trouble long before this, though -- and I can at least empathize with you in that watching love fade and die is very sad indeed.

While I believe it's true that the length of time you spend with someone makes it even harder to finally separate, I also believe that loss is always LOSS. Exceptions might be made for men who go from boyfriend to boyfriend every few months, those who play the field and don't allow their hearts to become involved. But for guys like us, who wanted a to share a lifetime with someone else... duration isn't necessarily going to make it any harder or any easier when the time comes to say good-bye...

In our cases, this divorce isn't a very mutual thing. I'm betting you know, as I knew, that it is probably the RIGHT thing, if only for the fact that someone you love doesn't love you in quite the same way. I think that after so many years together, it is not possible to simply STOP loving someone completely -- but it is more than possible to no longer be romantically in love with someone. Sure, all romance fades, but that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about the romance of the PARTNERSHIP itself -- the things you did together, the way you shared your lives, the high comfort level of the companionship itself. While sexual romance dwindles, quite often these things grow stronger. But when one person feels it is time to move on... there isn't much you can do about that. He no longer shares the passion for the relationship that you do -- his love for you must surely still exist, but it has CHANGED.

I can't pretend I understand how this can happen. It seems like it would be an impossibility for me to personally want to give up on sharing a loving relationship with someone. Want to know how I learned to accept and understand it? It was easy, in retrospect: I had to accept and understand it because it simply WAS.

We can delve into the scientific mysteries of our lives, our planet, our universe... few of us will ever grasp the many detailed concepts and theorems that explain what we know about how it all works to make it what it is. Most of us just accept that IT IS. Electrons circle protons and neutrons to make atoms which bind together to make molecules... it's all fascinating to me, I love science -- but even when I don't understand a scientific principle, I realize that it isn't the end of my quest for knowledge if something is beyond me. Sometimes just knowing that things work for a REASON is enough.

My Mom and my friends like to ask me questions, assuming I've got the trivia they need stored in my memory somewhere. Most of the time I do. But my Mom likes to ask questions that start with "why" much more than any other types of questions. It's the "why" questions that most often throw me for a loop. Even when there IS an answer, there are instances where the science needed to explain it to her is something she couldn't grasp. Computers, for example. Mom wants to know about computers quite often, but it's hard to start discussing them when she doesn't have a clue what something as simple as RAM is. Weather... she wants to know WHY most of the nation gets less snow than where she lives. But I can't explain prevailing winds, pressure gradients, and how the jet stream shifts seasonally if she has no conception of what these things are. So now and then I offer a simple explanation and finish it off with: "That's just how it works. That's the way it is."

What's happening to you is NOT the end of the world, but I'd by lying if I tried to tell you it isn't the end to a very big part of what YOUR personal world used to be. It certainly is. Divorce isn't easy when one party isn't willing. In fact, it's one of the most stressful things that can happen in someone's life.

Loss IS loss -- and it might not be fair to those we love who have actually left this world to compare divorce to death, but I'm afraid that there are many similarities. The loss is huge. This won't be easy for you; you already know that. Yet you are prepared, and that's a good thing.

I went through many of the stages of grief when my ex life: denial, anger, depression, acceptance (no bargaining, though). You can expect the same. The thing is, you seem to have already accepted it, and that's a good start. When it actually happens, though... you may end up going through many of those stages anyway. It might be helpful if you keep it in the back of your mind as your feeling these things that they are natural and expected -- and most importantly, that they WILL pass.

You will also benefit greatly if you allow yourself the time and freedom to feel whatever you need to feel. If you have family and friends who may be of help to you, don't hesitate to seek them out. Some of my family was more supportive than others, but I expected that: some simply didn't know what to say or do, but they made sure they were at least THERE for me. Just be being themselves they were a great help.

When you are ready to do so, make at least a rudimentary plan for yourself. There's no denying that this situation will be highly stressful and depleting -- but you cannot allow yourself to wallow in that for too long. Try, if you can, to set some goals or make some changes that are designed to benefit YOU. Of course, if you derive pleasure from doing things for others, by all means, do so -- but also do some stuff that's just for you alone. It might sound frivolous to hear at first, but all sorts of little things can help you establish a new life and a new outlook. Get a new pet. Find a new hobby, or devote time to an old hobby you'd put aside. Take a trip by yourself. Make a new friend. Start a diet. Cook new foods. Redecorate your home. Buy new clothes. Try a meal you've never had before. Buy something you've always wanted but never got around to getting. Go ahead, indulge a little.

These things worked for me, as did ultimately seeing the situation for what it was and accepting that sometimes I am powerless to change or control EVERYTHING in my life -- but I am ALWAYS able to change and control MYSELF, as long as I WANT it. So focus on YOURSELF, because that is ultimately where your power resides.

Though our stories have some similarities, they are probably also very, very different. What we have in common, however, is the sad experience of loss -- and having to face CHANGE perhaps a bit before we were ready to do so.

In parting, I do NOT think that a single (albeit very long) post is going to make a vast difference for you, but I DO think it may help a LITTLE, and that's enough for now. Knowing that you're not the only one out there who has been through this may offer some bit of consolation. I think it is important that you follow through with your original idea and seek out some counseling for yourself. You did a brave thing stepping up and telling us, even in a very small way, that you are hurting. Don't ever let it leave your mind during the upcoming difficult times that this can be a positive change for you, if you let it. Hurt when you need to hurt, rally when you're ready. It's OK if common sense gets pushed aside now and then -- it will return, I promise.

Focus on embracing the change as much as you can. Fear it as little as possible.

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You guys and this Forum are GREAT.
Just reading some of your feelings and knowing others have the same feelings.
Although different than most situations, the feeling of loss or potential loss remainds the same.
I feel I must share my experience and if it helps even a little for someone it will be worth the effort/time.
In the next day or so I'm gonna put it on paper, then share it with others on this site because I know you guys care.Must admitt I guess I felt embarrassed but I now realize I am NOT ALONE.

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Nothing to take offense about, dude... I'm the first one to confess to being verbose. Doesn't bother me if some folks don't want to or can't handle spending five minutes reading -- they can skip or skim anything they like.

Just for the record and for the hell of it, it might be interesting to some to know that ONE reason I write at length and in detail is because I can't STAND IT when I ask a question and get a one-word, uncaring and/or thoughtless response. This happens too often in daily life. People just don't give a shit. You don't have to speak for an hour to show you care, of course... but at least have the courtesy to answer the damn question, you know?

(The above is precipitated by several recent encounters with my vet -- he's far too aloof and brief when I ask him questions. My dog was recently diagnosed with congestive heart failure, and I need a LOT of information as to her new care management. Online sources only go so far -- I need answers from the guy who KNOWS her case history. Anyway, I may have to change vets if he doesn't give me what I need. If only Dr. Danny were a vet, I'd drive my baby up to Atlanta!)

Anyway, let's get this guy's post back on track.

Dude, I think it's great that you want to share your story. It may do you a world of good just to write some of it out. Maybe we can help a little more, even if we're just "talking" about it.

I'll be happy to read what you've got to say -- cant promise any fabulous advice will come of it, but I'm sure I'll be able to blab about SOMETHING!

Good luck, man.

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I just spent 25 mins writing a letter, I don't see it posted is there a way to find it?

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Scruff,
You mother F'er,
What a beautiful response,
You say your relationship ended when (like the original poster),invoulved a three way relationship.
You also state "Exceptions might be made for men who go from
boyfriend to boyfriend every few months",won't quote the rest except,"But for guys like us who wanted to share a lifetime with someone else".
Scruff, I knew you were a romantic at heart(don't denie it),
After going from blowjob to blowjob at least you have princibles.
I just wanted to Thank You for a thoughtful response.

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LOL to Marco (even though I HATE "LOL," sometimes it's necessary).

Yeah, I've openly said I'm a romantic. In fact, it's one of the traits I happen to love about myself. And even though most of my blowjobs of late aren't very romantic... a few have been. Romance can surprise you -- it can sometimes happen in unlikely situations (though it's not the same sort of thing as when you love someone deeply and are in a relationship with him).

Hey, I think of my ex almost every day. Hell, fourteen years... hard not to. But this doesn't mean I am LONGING for him. On the contrary -- it's best that he's gone. Yet things happen in daily life that remind me of him, sometimes good, sometimes bad. Some days a thought of him will be indifferent. It's just there. Other days I miss him, though admittedly less and less as time goes by (that's sad, but it's true). Now and then I wonder how he's doing; now and then I don't give a shit.

You know... I'd have remained at least friends with him if it weren't for the fact that he lives with a guy I have no respect for. I haven't heard from my ex since last August, when we finally dissolved the last of our financial ties. That's fucking sad. I'd have thought he'd maybe at least say hello during the holidays or something. I cannot contact him: his number is unlisted and has been changed since last I knew it. Calling him at work does no good -- he works off the books and they pretend he is not an employee if anyone calls and asks for him. Oh, well. Just pisses me off that he's dismissed me completely, or so it seems.

Yeah, I would have stayed with him forever. I asked him to get counseling with me. I told him to tell me what he wanted me to change about myself and we'd work it out together. He had no interest in those things: he wanted it over and done. He got what he wanted. Now, I've changed and it's all for ME. GOOD for ME, too. I deserve it!

Anyway -- WannaBJ... I have no idea what happened to your post, obviously. I've lost a few things over the years here, but not many. However, all online message boards screw up, PCs crash, shit happens.

A good bit of advice if you're writing something you don't want to lose... Type into a word processor, save as you go, then cut and paste. Saves a lot of potential aggravation.

Back to you, now -- when you're ready.

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Today could be like the happiest day of your life when you marry the partner of your life.

or

The saddest day of your life when you bury the partner of your life.

Just want to thank those that have given thier time to help me.

God Bless you all.

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Decission s have been delayed until Weds.
I am 51 have a lover of 25 years I love.
Also have a lover of 8years I'm IN love with.
All three are friends.
I told 25 about my feelings for 8, he totally accepted but now 8 feels he may want someone he met two months ago.
I'm devastated/heartbroken at the idea of losing him.

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Wannabj,

Your last post really affected me. Don't know if it is the rain outside or what, but this thread in general has me thinking of those who have come and gone in my life.

You don't have to be in a relationship for any set length of time for the situation you describe to happen. We've all dealt with facing having someone we love leaving our lives.

Your words remind me of many I have loved. It hurt when I saw our lives diverge all too soon. They had to follow their heart and I could not be a part of it. There were a few I had to leave behind myself.

I firmly believe in the perpetualness of the soul. It helps me greatly to think I will see these people again if not while I live. But for now it is as if they have taken a trip or vacation or have traveled somewhere I could not go with them.

Some day we'll meet again, and they will tell me of their life; I will tell them of mine. Doesn't stop me from occasionally thinking of them. And when I do, I always wish them well for the happiness they brought to my life.

Give 8 the love you can, while you can. That's the best you can do. If it comes to loss, mourn it, but don't lose sight of what you two shared while you could.

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I know so much of what all you guys have said is so true.
But it just HURTS SO MUCH.
If I truely felt the new guy of two months was real I would wish 8 all the happiness in the world, but I'm not so sure, we are talking an 8 year good track record verses a two month promise of a great future.
Why is it after two months he NEVER said I love you, UNTIL he heard 8 was deciding between him and me?
I think he is worried he may never find an Angle like 8 and will say anything to flatter him until HE decides if he really wants him.
Meanwhile I lose and I CANNOT do this to my 25 again, he has been so accepting and all he wants is that we at least love him and be there for him if needed.

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