Three years ago, when I went to NY to be with family and friends after my ex left, my best friend told me she had had an affair with a married man. The husband of one of her friends, no less. HE cheated on his wife with my best friend, SHE cheated on her boyfriend with this married dude. Stupid? Absolutely. But what's done is done. Now she has to deal with the consequences.
At the time, she told me the affair had ended. She was lying. She felt she needed to keep it secret from me. I KNEW she was still sleeping with him, but I never pushed her. I DID believe she had broke it off a few months later, after I returned home. She did not.
Last night she calls me up crying hysterically. She says she's now taking antidepressants and has an appointment with a shrink. Turns out this married man, who told her he loved her, who promised he would leave his wife and marry her (oh, please), who said she was his spiritual match and soulmate (barf) -- well, turns out that now he met a bimbo TWO MONTHS AGO (sound familiar?) and he's leaving BOTH his wife AND my best friend to go be with this new chick.
Soulmates no more. New PUSSY has entered the picture, and mmm-boy does it taste good (apparently, to him).
FOUR FUCKING HOURS later, my ear is literally aching, red and hurts to even touch it, I've been on the phone so long. Not that I mind -- she needed to talk, I was there for her -- that's what friends are for.
Love is blind, buddy. ANOTHER cliché -- and very, very true.
Naturally, my friend is most upset because she was TRICKED, LIED TO, played for a FOOL. Two weeks ago, he fucked her and told her he loved her. She said to me that the sex was incredible, fill of love and passion. I told her that it may have been for YOU, but she'd never know what HE was thinking.
He's been humping this other girl for two months now. Slept with her, in fact, on my friend's birthday.
Most horrific and outrageous of all -- he asked my friend if she still wants him! He suggested a THREEWAY with her and his new snatch. And... hey, while you're at it, letting me fuck you and my new pussy, how about helping me lie some more to my wife? After all, she IS your friend, too!
Whoa.
(For the record I should say that my best friend accepts the responsibility for her own foolish behavior, sleeping with the man married to her friend. This doesn't EXCUSE it, but at the very least she admits her mistake. Oh... did I mention that ALL FOUR OF THEM involved in this -- my friend, cheating husband, wife and new pussy all WORK together, too? What a freaking mess...)
So all night we talked, and mostly she wanted to know HOW and WHY she could have been so easily fooled into thinking he felt the same things for her as she did for him when it is obvious he does not.
We just discussed HERE about how sometimes the WHY of it all just doesn't matter. Sometimes, you have to accept that IT IS and work toward a solution for yourself. IF knowing why will help with that, by all means -- give it some thought. But never let the questioning drive you to further torment.
The simple fact of the matter is that sadly, some people are just scumballs.
My friend was trying to tell me REASONS from this guy's childhood which might explain his behavior today -- she's giving me these Freudian, Oedipal explanations. Who THE FUCK CARES?
He's a creep, honey.
But she still WANTS to love him, still can't believe she was wrong, still wants to justify his actions and ALLOW AN EXCUSE FOR HIM.
I HOPE I talked her out of that (but I won't bank on it).
All of this stupid shit if far, far more complicated than I could ever write here -- just as WannaBJ's situation is undeniably much more complex. But I think the bottom line is the same for all of us:
Sometimes we are under the false impression that loving someone else means sacrificing OURSELVES in order to please that person. We fail to see the forest for the trees (cliché heaven today, I know). We often WANT something so badly, NEED attention, affection, validation so desperately that we will suffer ANY indignation, outrage and insult in the hopes of getting even a LITTLE nod of recognition.
Guys, guys, guys... I was that person, too. I let myself get SHIT ON big time, just in the hopes that I might get a fraction of the love I knew I was capable of giving to others. All it got me was an ever-increasing PILE OF MORE AND MORE SHIT. Once a raccoon is hit by a speeding car while trying to cross the road, it's highly likely he's just going to lay there while more and more vehicles crush him into a pulpy mass of guts and fur.
LOVE IS what we think it is, what we hope it to be, in reality and in our dreams. Love is MUTUAL, love is GIVING, love is TENDER, love is FREELY passed.
What happens is that sometimes we pretend to see these things when they do not exist at all. Sometimes, we WANT it so much we'll do anything it takes to make our fantasy into a reality.
I did. So don't think for a minute that I'm pointing fingers or that I believe I am above this way of thinking. I have the benefit of hindsight, that's all.
There's a misconception that perhaps my bad experiences have left me completely jaded and unable to love (even my best friend asked me about this last night). This is not true. I am the SAME man I have always been -- with one HUGE difference. I am even MORE of that man now than I ever was.
I've learned to protect myself, yes. I've learned to put myself FIRST, at least for now. And when I love someone again, someday, I think I will be able to give that guy even MORE of what he deserves, simply because there is MORE of ME to offer.
My heart was twisted, my head was fucked with, my spirit was shattered. But none of those things were damaged beyond repair. In fact, they are all stronger NOW. Sometimes a little tune-up gets your car running better than ever, you know?
It's so easy to think that loving someone is the best reason to sacrifice YOURSELF, but it is not. The best way to love someone is to RESPECT yourself, so that you may be more able to GIVE of yourself. Love does NOT demand sacrifice; selfishness demands sacrifice.
Good luck, dude. Put YOURSELF first for a change. It doesn't matter if you made mistakes during these eight and twenty-five years. The blame game has no winning scenario. Look inside and see yourself in a new light. Focus on YOUR LIFE for a change.
We shouldn't have to fight, cajole or convince anyone to love us.
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