So, then... today's the day?

I'm not sure I understood what you meant when you said that "decisions are delayed until Wednesday." I take it this means Eight will let you know as of today who he is going to choose?

Um... Buddy, if this is true (and pardon me if I misunderstood), what kind of bullshit is that?

The fact that he has to even THINK it over and make his decision -- well, that really bugs me. True love doesn't hem and haw, dilly-dally, beat around the bush or whatever clichéd euphemism you want to assign to it.

He met someone TWO MONTHS ago and is now questioning an eight year relationship with you, one in which YOU feel you are in love. Sure doesn't seem like mutual love returned, does it?

When I (stupidly) introduced my ex to the little slimeball I thought I cared for, it took them all of THREE months to start collaborating on a way to get rid of me.

Had my partner REALLY loved me in the same way I loved him for fourteen years, he wouldn't have done this. But he didn't. So he did.

And I'm better off WITHOUT someone who doesn't really love me.

This does not mean I don't understand how difficult and painful this is for you. But even more than that, dude... you should be PISSED OFF. "Well, you just wait around and I'll give you my monumental decision on Wednesday. I'll let you know if I will give you the honor of being with me, or if I'm indeed going to choose someone I met two months ago."

That ain't love, dude. I'm so sorry... it just isn't. In fact, I know you won't want to hear this, but I have to say it: it's cruel, cowardly and childish behavior on his part.

This doesn't mean you can't or don't or shouldn't love him. You do. It DOES mean you deserve better.

Hopefully I didn't make the wrong assumptions here about what you said regarding this Wednesday deadline. If I did, I apologize in advance. If not... I'm also sorry that what I wrote wasn't a cuddly teddy bear-type of comforting post -- this kind of stuff just pisses me off.

To explain a little, and perhaps to give you a bit of insight into the dynamics of OTHER relationships, I'll break up my comments here and post something else immediately after. Keeping it all together would ruin the flow, be difficult to bridge together, and create for a lot of scrolling, so...

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Three years ago, when I went to NY to be with family and friends after my ex left, my best friend told me she had had an affair with a married man. The husband of one of her friends, no less. HE cheated on his wife with my best friend, SHE cheated on her boyfriend with this married dude. Stupid? Absolutely. But what's done is done. Now she has to deal with the consequences.

At the time, she told me the affair had ended. She was lying. She felt she needed to keep it secret from me. I KNEW she was still sleeping with him, but I never pushed her. I DID believe she had broke it off a few months later, after I returned home. She did not.

Last night she calls me up crying hysterically. She says she's now taking antidepressants and has an appointment with a shrink. Turns out this married man, who told her he loved her, who promised he would leave his wife and marry her (oh, please), who said she was his spiritual match and soulmate (barf) -- well, turns out that now he met a bimbo TWO MONTHS AGO (sound familiar?) and he's leaving BOTH his wife AND my best friend to go be with this new chick.

Soulmates no more. New PUSSY has entered the picture, and mmm-boy does it taste good (apparently, to him).

FOUR FUCKING HOURS later, my ear is literally aching, red and hurts to even touch it, I've been on the phone so long. Not that I mind -- she needed to talk, I was there for her -- that's what friends are for.

Love is blind, buddy. ANOTHER cliché -- and very, very true.

Naturally, my friend is most upset because she was TRICKED, LIED TO, played for a FOOL. Two weeks ago, he fucked her and told her he loved her. She said to me that the sex was incredible, fill of love and passion. I told her that it may have been for YOU, but she'd never know what HE was thinking.

He's been humping this other girl for two months now. Slept with her, in fact, on my friend's birthday.

Most horrific and outrageous of all -- he asked my friend if she still wants him! He suggested a THREEWAY with her and his new snatch. And... hey, while you're at it, letting me fuck you and my new pussy, how about helping me lie some more to my wife? After all, she IS your friend, too!

Whoa.

(For the record I should say that my best friend accepts the responsibility for her own foolish behavior, sleeping with the man married to her friend. This doesn't EXCUSE it, but at the very least she admits her mistake. Oh... did I mention that ALL FOUR OF THEM involved in this -- my friend, cheating husband, wife and new pussy all WORK together, too? What a freaking mess...)

So all night we talked, and mostly she wanted to know HOW and WHY she could have been so easily fooled into thinking he felt the same things for her as she did for him when it is obvious he does not.

We just discussed HERE about how sometimes the WHY of it all just doesn't matter. Sometimes, you have to accept that IT IS and work toward a solution for yourself. IF knowing why will help with that, by all means -- give it some thought. But never let the questioning drive you to further torment.

The simple fact of the matter is that sadly, some people are just scumballs.

My friend was trying to tell me REASONS from this guy's childhood which might explain his behavior today -- she's giving me these Freudian, Oedipal explanations. Who THE FUCK CARES?

He's a creep, honey.

But she still WANTS to love him, still can't believe she was wrong, still wants to justify his actions and ALLOW AN EXCUSE FOR HIM.

I HOPE I talked her out of that (but I won't bank on it).

All of this stupid shit if far, far more complicated than I could ever write here -- just as WannaBJ's situation is undeniably much more complex. But I think the bottom line is the same for all of us:

Sometimes we are under the false impression that loving someone else means sacrificing OURSELVES in order to please that person. We fail to see the forest for the trees (cliché heaven today, I know). We often WANT something so badly, NEED attention, affection, validation so desperately that we will suffer ANY indignation, outrage and insult in the hopes of getting even a LITTLE nod of recognition.

Guys, guys, guys... I was that person, too. I let myself get SHIT ON big time, just in the hopes that I might get a fraction of the love I knew I was capable of giving to others. All it got me was an ever-increasing PILE OF MORE AND MORE SHIT. Once a raccoon is hit by a speeding car while trying to cross the road, it's highly likely he's just going to lay there while more and more vehicles crush him into a pulpy mass of guts and fur.

LOVE IS what we think it is, what we hope it to be, in reality and in our dreams. Love is MUTUAL, love is GIVING, love is TENDER, love is FREELY passed.

What happens is that sometimes we pretend to see these things when they do not exist at all. Sometimes, we WANT it so much we'll do anything it takes to make our fantasy into a reality.

I did. So don't think for a minute that I'm pointing fingers or that I believe I am above this way of thinking. I have the benefit of hindsight, that's all.

There's a misconception that perhaps my bad experiences have left me completely jaded and unable to love (even my best friend asked me about this last night). This is not true. I am the SAME man I have always been -- with one HUGE difference. I am even MORE of that man now than I ever was.

I've learned to protect myself, yes. I've learned to put myself FIRST, at least for now. And when I love someone again, someday, I think I will be able to give that guy even MORE of what he deserves, simply because there is MORE of ME to offer.

My heart was twisted, my head was fucked with, my spirit was shattered. But none of those things were damaged beyond repair. In fact, they are all stronger NOW. Sometimes a little tune-up gets your car running better than ever, you know?

It's so easy to think that loving someone is the best reason to sacrifice YOURSELF, but it is not. The best way to love someone is to RESPECT yourself, so that you may be more able to GIVE of yourself. Love does NOT demand sacrifice; selfishness demands sacrifice.

Good luck, dude. Put YOURSELF first for a change. It doesn't matter if you made mistakes during these eight and twenty-five years. The blame game has no winning scenario. Look inside and see yourself in a new light. Focus on YOUR LIFE for a change.

We shouldn't have to fight, cajole or convince anyone to love us.

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Thanks for the reply,I just spent 20 mins one finger typing you my findings of today,only to have it disappear again, I will try again in the morning.

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WRONG: "I need you, therefore I love you."

RIGHT: "I love you, therefore I need you."

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"Once burned, twice wary" eh, Scruffy?

Wannabj,

We're all reading things into your dilemma based on our own lives. Yeah, Scruffy is right that someone who truly loves you doesn't play mind games.

8 could just not have experience dealing with the issue of having to choose, or he could be a cold-hearted, back-stabbing, lying son-of-a-bitch. Or anywhere in between.

Reality is he's doing these things to you. They are affecting you emotionally. You are on a rollercoaster and feel out of control of things. That is the worst of this issue. You have no control and are feeling the effects.

One way to regain control is to figure the worst case scenario and work out a way to deal with it. Right now you are just reacting to what is happening. Plan for potential eventualities. That way when one of them happens, you can control your reaction and your actions. You will not be blindly reacting to the moment.

Other than that, take extra special care of yourself and don't forget to thank 25 for being there for you. He sounds like the real catch here.

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Most of us have been there and have done that. One way or the other. We have also drawn our conclusions and now believe, we have learned from our own lessons.

This is what I have learned:

Love is rarely a very constant emotion. It comes and unfortunately goes as it pleases. No one can really control that. You can learn to let go, though. When the time for this comes, that 'letting go' might be the greatest manifestation of love. It is invariably that last song of a swan...

Love might be someone's servant but it always tends to be a very poor master. I have no control over whom I find attractive and desirable. Frankly, I even do not want to control that. I want a surprise every now and then, too. But I can control, with whom I get emotionally involved to the point of falling in love. And I would never wish to relinquish that power.

I have learned to differentiate between a frenetic sexual attraction and the bedroom passions from my love life. Just because, I think that he is the hunkiest, and the studiest dude who put his feet on my shoulders, did and said everything I hoped for, even in my wildest dreams, I know its worth. And I know, I am miles away from falling in love.

Sex is a messy business, as many will tell you. And not only in the usual sense of the word. Getting a good lay often tends to be even messier than a lay itself. So, if you choose to play that field, better get ready. And strange, when it comes to sex, somehow, all that mess works. When it comes to love and the committment, the mess, if created, is lethal.

My bottomline: Learn to let go and move on. Neither be a slave to your love nor let the love enslave you.

Learn that those who draw the swords will die from swords and that those who refuse to draw them will come back on their sheilds, too. No one always wins this game.

Thank the gods profusely for every breath of air you inhaled while you were in love. And thank them equally so, for helping you survive its loss.

KD

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Very true: we are all making assumptions here and we are all relating your situation to things that have happened in our own lives. No one correlation will be EXACTLY correct for you, but it's often very helpful to be able to listen to various insights, suggestions and opinions and use these (or reject them, as need be) when pondering your own life.

I suppose it wouldn't be fair if I just talked of all the BAD shit that has happened -- it's just that my own "end game" and yours have a lot of similarities, so that was a big focus of my dialogue.

I've looked at my past and often thought that it was just so much wasted time -- but I know this isn't true at all. At first, I was resentful and angry: "How DARE he waste MY life!" But that isn't fair to him -- or me. My ex may have felt the same thing: "This guy wasted my life; I wasn't in love with him, yet I stayed with him and could have had better." That's a hard pill to swallow, for me. But... even though he went about ending our relationship in a horrible and abusive fashion -- if ending the relationship was best for HIM... who am I to deny him his freedom and happiness?

All those years together -- they happened for a reason. Lessons were learned. Good times were shared. A friendship was created. Memories remain. Our time together is a part of me now, and always will be.

Regrets are part of life. We all have them. But likewise, we all have our triumphs, too. We can learn from BOTH.

I was the one who called up my ex all those long years ago and made a date with him -- my first date ever with another man. I was nervous as hell. I called him from a phone booth outside a Pizza Hut because I was still living with my parents and afraid to talk to him in the house. I rode my bike over there (I had a car, but was in the mood for a bike ride), my pockets filled with change, his phone number (in his handwriting), burning a hole in my pocket. I was excited and nervous. I wasn't sure I could go through it, never having done anything like this before. But I did.

If I could go back in time and change all that, if I could choose again to NOT call him -- I am quite sure I would do it all over again. I wouldn't change a thing...

As for your missing post... that sucks, bud. Do try typing it into WordPad, at least, so you can save it on your hard drive and not lose your time and effort if the boards fail. You may also want to try wiping your temporary internet files before you log in again. I've noticed that the last few weeks have seen some delays on the message boards here, though not on other areas of the site. Not sure if that is part of the problem or not, but the boards have been working smoothly for me since Monday.

Anyway, continued good luck to you.

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Thank you for being here at this time, I read and listen to all your experiences and try to use what apply's to my situation.
Scuffy in relationship to your bitterness I fell/felt the same 2 months /8 years how could he?
Yesterday something touched me and said, LOOK.
He knew you for 8 years , he knows your good and your BAD points.
He has only two months with the other guy, you know as well as I ,early in a relationship a person will only show good points if he wants you.
So in time he will see the bad points and maybe, all be it too late he will realize he made a mistake.

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That's a valid point, what you said regarding showing your best side early on in a relationship.

I would only briefly caution you that while it's OK to ponder possibilities and figure out the reasons why this or that happened -- it would be a mistake to sit around making excuses for anyone's behavior, and it would also be a mistake to waste your time waiting around for something that may not ever happen.

Quickly... while talking to my lady friend over these last couple days (she's calling nightly, now), she mentioned to ME that MY ex and his new partner have made it for three years together so far. This is true. I have NO idea if they are happy, no idea if they are still romantic with each other, no idea about any of it. And honestly -- I truly do NOT care. I USED to care -- absolutely. It would torment me to think of them together and me alone. Not any more. The way I see it -- two assholes hooked up with each other, and each deserves the asshole traits the other can provide!

And, as I've rambled on about in other posts -- near the end I was getting VERY tired of it all. I just wanted peace and quiet; I wanted my life to return to normal. It did, but not without a lot of heartache first.

When my gal pal talks to me, she tries to justify the actions the guy who cheated on his wife with HER and on HER with someone else. She speaks of how this new tryst of his is a "white trash bitch." That may be so, but she's ALSO hoping he comes to his senses -- and what? Goes back to JUST cheating on his wife with her alone? Huh?

She tells me of all this trivial stuff that is said, phone calls flying back and forth, cell phone records scrutinized, the guy's WIFE calling her and asking for emotional support (not knowing my friend was the FIRST woman he cheated on his wife with)... yikes. It's too much freaking DRAMA.

Yet it must come to a conclusion, and while there are pro-active steps my friend can take to distance herself from it all -- I know she is holding out, just hoping that maybe... maybe everything will fall into place. The million to one shot that this guy will come crying to her, tell her he loves and worships her, leave the other girl, leave his wife, marry her, and the two of them ride off into the sunset together on a white horse. Please... it won't happen. Soon, she will realize this and get on with the task of living her own life.

I suppose I should mention that my ex came back to me THREE TIMES. Out of the blue, there would be a phone call or knock on my door. He'd be drunk and crying and once he was beaten up. (MORE DRAMA). He would tell me he made a mistake, that he was back for good, that this guy he was with was trash, that he often had dreams of me and would call my name in his sleep.

One or two days later -- he'd be gone again.

What's interesting is that the first time he did this, I was slightly pleased, but not entirely excited about it. It was just the vindication of "I told you so," that, in a moment of weakness, I enjoyed. But the next time this happened -- I didn't believe a word of it, didn't care, and in fact, told him to NOT tell me the details of what happened. It was more DRAMA that I don't need. I was FREE of all the bullshit -- and wanted to keep it that way. The THIRD time... I told him I'd have to think it over if he was planning on staying. I told him we'd be friends only and it would be TEMPORARY. I told him I liked my life the way it was.

So what I'm saying is that sure... second chances can happen. Second thoughts can certainly enter someone's mind. But only YOU will know if it's right or not -- if there's truth to be found and love to be rekindled.

After the way I was treated... it wasn't going to happen, you know?

And damn, man... the peace and quiet is SO nice. The absence of dramatic scenes, the non-existence of bullshit minutia... it's really, really nice. My mind is SO calm and I feel VERY centered. If nothing else, that makes it worth it.

Glad we were of some help to you, buddy. If and when you decide to update your situation, we'll be here.

Just look out for yourself FIRST, OK?

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I know this is not the solution and I'm sure many will disagree but the last two weeks have been a total hell and the near future can be also if I let it, 8 feels he is not ready to committ because he says now that I have come out to 25 I am a different person, I no longer need to hide my feelings and he wants to see what life with the new me is like.
I think it is a concern on 8's part that 25 will be so hurt and devastated that he does not think I will follow thru and he will feel guilty about destroying 25 who he loves so much also.
Guess what, I think 25 is more relieved and life between the three of us has been nothing but fantastic when I let it.

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I do not like being put in the spot of reproving myself after 8 years but I do understand 8's fear of hurting 25, so I am going to take advantage of the situation ,feel it out and see where it goes, for MY advantage, I'm tired of being MISERABLE.
Right now 8 and I have a secret commitment to each other, we are free to see others if we wish and date with no intimacy /sex with anyone other than each other until sept 23.
I am going to try and enjoy the company of 8 and enjoy life as long as I got it.I'm lucky to have a guy like 25.
If I decide it is not what I want or feel things are not going good I know that now or Sept, 25 is there for me.
If I feel because I'm getting older I need a commitment sooner and 8 will not give it too me I may need to tell him to walk and have a happy life.
Yes, there are times knowing 8 and 2 months are talking or going on a date that my heart hurts but I know our commitment and I know 8 cannot live with himself if he was to lie, he is the most HONEST person I ever met to others, just wish he could be more honest with himself.

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I was just reading what every one has said to your woes.

I just wanted to say I feel for you.A relationship drifitng apart always sucks.

Any ways I hope all works out for you.And everyone has said you can always come here to post your hurt.

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Right now I'm hurting big time, the decission is almost final, 8 is leaving to be with 2-months , I tryed to understand his decission but he really couldn't give a solid one, everything he said 2 months gives him ,he said I also give him, the thing I think that hurts the most is in my case I have an 8 year track record that I'm telling the truth, in the case of 2 months it's just words.
He told 25 that 2 months is everything he ever wanted in a man, must admitt I heard that many times over the years.
Not sure how to handle my hurt, it HURTS SO MUCH.

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I'm genuinely sorry to hear that you're in such sorrow right now, but I hope you don't take it the wrong way when I say it's also probably a GOOD thing that you can put an end to all this lingering doubt. I was subjected to similar stuff, being put on hold and led around on a string for a time. Ultimately, it was best to be done with it.

This thread began at about the same time as the troubles began for my female friend in NY, which I've already detailed here. It's been interesting and helpful to her and to me to be able to correlate things everyone has said here with her situation. Your post allowed me to look at my own past in a more objective manner, and it also allowed me to provide some insight for my friend. You may not realize it, but sharing what you've shared here has been beneficial to many people out there, strangers you will never meet... There have been numerous late night phone calls over these last couple weeks, with my friend crying and just needing someone to talk to. Believe it or not, there have been several times when I've said to her: "There's this guy online who had a similar problem, and this is how he feels... Here's some of the things everyone told him to try to help him along, and maybe these things will help you, too..."

This may not matter all that much or do anything to alleviate how you feel, but it's worth mentioning so that in the future you can think back and realize you helped other people because you were brave enough to ask for help yourself, and because you were strong enough to share your story.

During all these late-night phone conversations with my friend, I've been surprised that for the most part she lets me talk without interruption and she actually listens to what I try to tell her. To be honest, I haven't really said anything that isn't just common sense, or told her anything she doesn't already know -- but it can be very beneficial just to HEAR someone else say what you think, or just to share a story and compare notes. To be even more honest, my friend has just started seeing a counselor, which I think might be a wise consideration for you, too. Often, I am personally skeptical of certain psychological profiles that are applied by counselors; I think SOME, but not all, may too quickly box in a patient according to a textbook psychological stereotype. However... taking it over with someone who is objective and detached can be cathartic. So far, my friend's counselor seems to just be letting her talk, and about the only advice she's given has been, according to my friend, pretty much all the same stuff I've already told her. Too bad I can't accept my friend's insurance and get the payments for it!

Look, we can sit here and tell you over and over that it WILL get better and that this hurt WILL pass, but that's not going to convince you or magically give you the strength you need to get through this. We're asking you to take a leap of faith here, to TRUST that we have been in your shoes and that we are sharing our own stories and experiences because we have come out on the other side and we know it can be done. Hey, right now TRUST is something that's pretty tough to ask of someone who has little belief in it anymore -- but you'll gain that back, really.

When I talk to my friend, I keep saying things like: "When that happened to me, I did this, that or the other thing. This is what I felt like, this is how I handled it, this is how I am today." I kind of feel guilty doing that because it seems like I am changing the subject to talk about ME instead of address HER situation. So I explained that to her -- quite obviously, the best way for me to relate to her and to give her advice is to draw upon my own personal experiences. As long as I keep in mind that no two people handle things exactly alike and that no two situations are identical, I think the overall perspective that can be shared is highly beneficial.

Go back and read all these posts again. Everyone here responded because they cared. There's nothing negative here at all -- and I'll tell you what, man... there's a lot of nasty, vicious fuckers out there in Internet-Land who like to be cruel just because they CAN. That didn't happen here, did it?

Given a little time and perspective, you'll see that everything here can be put to good use to help you out.

Believe me when I tell you, having lost TRUST myself, it's not an easy thing to handle. You put faith in someone, you believe in them, you give freely to them, you allow your love to build upon your trust... and when you see that ultimately rejected or disregarded... man, that's like a kick in the balls. You lose your breath and you stagger around, dumbfounded. You ask yourself HOW and WHY. And just like a kick in the balls, usually you can recover in time. But everyone is different and some kicks in the balls are harder than others, you know? Because of this, it may be a good idea for you to consider getting some counseling. If your balls kept swelling up for a long time after getting bruised, you'd see a doctor, right? If they got better quickly on their own, you might not need to do that. Know what I'm saying? It's your call -- think it over. In the future, do what I do -- wear a metaphorical and emotional CUP on those balls. Once kicked, you naturally become wary and look for ways to protect yourself. It doesn't mean you no longer HAVE balls, it just means that you've decided to be a little more practical about how much you want to let them swing in the wind.

My friend also keeps asking HOW and WHY. This is a double-edged sword: it can be useful if certain elements of a situation are uncovered and better understood, but at the same time, TOO much pondering about things that may NEVER make sense will only cause even more confusion. My friend has tried to JUSTIFY the actions of the guy that hurt her -- she thought that by giving a name or a reason to what he did would allow her the insight to understand. The problem is that, at least in my opinion, even if we DO actually understand, it still doesn't CHANGE the situation. The final outcome is what it is.

I've always been the kind of guy who looks at things from a "bottom line" point of view, at least whenever I can. Sometimes emotions get in the way of that. But I find it generally very helpful to face things HEAD ON instead of trying to fiddle around and make minor tweaks and adjustments that end up being little more than a waste of valuable time and energy.

Here's a kind of silly example... Once I was driving through the Black Hills of South Dakota. It was night, about 2 AM. The hills were shrouded in the thickest fog I'd ever seen in my entire life. Anyone familiar with these highways knows how treacherous they can be, even in the best conditions. I've driven all across the nation through every possible terrain, and I've driven in every type of weather: blinding rains, hurricanes, sandstorms in the Mohave, blizzards in New York, heat in excess of 117 degrees, you name it. Once my car broke down on near the summit of Copper Mountain in Colorado. I hitchhiked to the base for help. I'd been through so much and handled myself so well that I thought this drive through the Black Hills would easily be something I could handle. I was wrong. I couldn't see the road, I was dead-tired, my wipers couldn't keep the mist off the window, the slick asphalt was making me slip and slide. I tried everything I could think of to BEAT that highway. It was a matter of pride: I'd always won the battle before, why not now? This time, the highway won. I'd reached the BOTTOM LINE, though it took me a while to clearly see it. I pulled over at the next available rest area and found that it was jammed with people. Some were sleeping in their vehicles, some were wandering around in the fog looking kind of dazed. Bikers had unrolled sleeping bags and were snoring away on the grass. Trucks idled while drivers waited for dawn to arrive and fog to lift.

At first, I felt like I had given up. But when I saw all those people doing the same thing that I was doing -- I realized that I'd made the RIGHT choice -- the ONLY choice. I lost a day's worth of travel time, I lost my hotel reservations, I was hungry and cold and stiff from sleeping in my car... but I was smart enough to see the bottom line. It was a small price to pay: I could have easily been stranded on the highway or dead in a ditch. In the morning, the sun most certainly DID come up, as it always does. The fog melted away, slowly at first and then more and more rapidly. That day was sunny with clear, blue skies. The Black Hills were glorious to see. Even if I'd continued to press on in the dead of night and somehow had beaten the road and the weather, I would have missed some really amazing beauty.

Does that story help you understand a bit better what I'm getting at here?

Life's metaphors are far-reaching.

I've already told you that you need to focus on YOU right now. I won't repeat that lecture, but I WILL repeat the significance of this. If you sit and ponder TOO much, if you let yourself feel as though YOU did something wrong, if you lament over what is lost to the point where you cannot see what the future might hold... you can easily allow yourself to slip into a state of supreme funk that just won't lift like a fog even on the sunniest day. Don't let that happen. YOU did nothing wrong.

Sometimes losing one battle just means you live another day to face bigger and better challenges.

Look back at the stages of grief that I discussed here. Recognize them as they happen to you. You may very well have to go through all of that, and it isn't fun. But if you KNOW what it is as it happens, YOU gain the upper hand. It's OK to allow these natural and normal feelings to progress as they should. Seeing them for what they are, however, will ease you through this transition.

And you know what? Even though that fog got the better of me, and even though it could have caused me some serious problems, I'm still glad I drove through it, at least for a little while. I couldn't see the road ahead and I couldn't see all the beauty around me that the fog had covered up so deeply and completely, but there was something very, very beautiful and mysterious about the fog itself, too...

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Hope you don't mind... there's one other kind of superficial but possibly also beneficial thing that I was thinking...

My friend keeps telling me that she wants to move away from where she currently lives. This is a dream she's had for a long, long time, and it isn't just a gut reaction to her present situation. However, she feels as though she would be simply "running away" if she were to take action right now and just LEAVE. In a way, I agree with this, but I also think that she's letting her sadness dictate how she should approach her dreams. In her case, it would be impetuous and impractical to just leave right now -- also financially difficult. So ultimately, she doesn't have to worry too much about it. She has the luxury of taking her time, making appropriate plans, and following through in a logical fashion.

But all that got me thinking... When I felt low and miserable, I DID "run away," if you want to call it that. I don't really think I did anything cowardly, but I do think that at the time it was the best thing I could have done. I went to see my family and my friends, I packed up and got on the highway and took some sort of ACTION. After all... if I was to suddenly be ALONE, why not take advantage of that? Lemonade from lemons, right?

I went to New York, because that is where my family lives. I also went to New England because I wanted to meet a new friend who lives there. I already mentioned this...

I notice you live in Connecticut. You have several BEAUTIFUL states at your disposal, less than a day's drive away. Why not arrange to take a little bit of time for yourself?

I'm suggesting this not simply because this is what I did or because this is were I went -- but because I truly believe a little ESCAPE might be a very good thing right now. I understand we all have commitments to work and family and friends, but most of us can manage to scrape up a small bit of free time and spend it on ourselves.

For me, it was the best possible thing. Give it some thought. Take 25 with you, or just go alone (I vote for ALONE, but the choice is yours).

This is BEAUTIFUL time of year to cruise the coastline of New England. A weekend away, time to think, NEW sights to see or even old, familiar sights... Go get lost for a while. Spend some time making love to your own mind. Cry if you want to, smile when you want to, talk to yourself or just sit in silence and watch the waves.

Provincetown was a great place for me -- everyone there was happy and quite... um... gay! Even the straight people! Take a walk and look at the gardens (I know you know the place I'm talking about, a few blocks away from the main drag, parallel to the coast). Shoot up to Maine, stroll along Marginal Way and stop for a drink in a sultry bar in the middle of the afternoon in Ogunquit. What are those rose bushes that line the seashore up there? Are they in bloom just yet? They were magnificent...

Hey, whatever you do, do SOMETHING that's JUST for you. A change of scenery and of routine will do great things for your state of mind. No, you won't forget, you won't stop feeling what you're feeling... but the temporary distraction is a really good thing.

There's a place in New Hampshire, I wish I could give driving directions to it, but I was a passenger at the time. I suspect there are many similar places just like it, though. It's up in the White Mountains and not far from you at all. There's a scenic overlook where you can park and talk a walk across a bridge that spans a deep gorge. On the other side of this bridge is a rolling meadow, lush and green and filled with millions upon millions of purple and yellow flowers. Off in the distance you can see a trail that meanders into the woods. Clouds cling to the sides of the mountains across the ravine. It's very quiet here. Hawks circle overhead. A river runs through the gorge, and you can toss a pebble down into it from the bridge.

It was at this place when I realized that life was so much bigger than the hurt I was feeling. I guess I shouldn't be ashamed to say that it was so beautiful here that I had tears in my eyes. My friend was with me and no one else was around, so he took my hand and we walked nearer to the field of flowers. As I looked at the profusion of purple and yellow, I said: "I wonder how nature knows those two colors look so good together..." My friend smiled and said: "Mike, WE know those colors look good together because nature tells US."

And that was so obvious that it became immediately profound.

Whatever sadness I felt might not have melted away in that instant, but it certainly was put into perspective for me. Year after year, that field of flowers will be there. I can't see it with my own eyes right now, but just knowing it's there is comforting.

Go. Get out and get away. Give yourself up to a silly field of flowers. Lay in the grass and pick out shapes in the clouds. Watch the hawks circle and dance overhead. Pick up a leaf from the ground and drop it from the side of a bridge, watch it sway in the wind all the way to the bottom. See it land in the water of the river below and watch as it is carried away. That's you down there riding the current... if you want it to be.

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