I'm genuinely sorry to hear that you're in such sorrow right now, but I hope you don't take it the wrong way when I say it's also probably a GOOD thing that you can put an end to all this lingering doubt. I was subjected to similar stuff, being put on hold and led around on a string for a time. Ultimately, it was best to be done with it.

This thread began at about the same time as the troubles began for my female friend in NY, which I've already detailed here. It's been interesting and helpful to her and to me to be able to correlate things everyone has said here with her situation. Your post allowed me to look at my own past in a more objective manner, and it also allowed me to provide some insight for my friend. You may not realize it, but sharing what you've shared here has been beneficial to many people out there, strangers you will never meet... There have been numerous late night phone calls over these last couple weeks, with my friend crying and just needing someone to talk to. Believe it or not, there have been several times when I've said to her: "There's this guy online who had a similar problem, and this is how he feels... Here's some of the things everyone told him to try to help him along, and maybe these things will help you, too..."

This may not matter all that much or do anything to alleviate how you feel, but it's worth mentioning so that in the future you can think back and realize you helped other people because you were brave enough to ask for help yourself, and because you were strong enough to share your story.

During all these late-night phone conversations with my friend, I've been surprised that for the most part she lets me talk without interruption and she actually listens to what I try to tell her. To be honest, I haven't really said anything that isn't just common sense, or told her anything she doesn't already know -- but it can be very beneficial just to HEAR someone else say what you think, or just to share a story and compare notes. To be even more honest, my friend has just started seeing a counselor, which I think might be a wise consideration for you, too. Often, I am personally skeptical of certain psychological profiles that are applied by counselors; I think SOME, but not all, may too quickly box in a patient according to a textbook psychological stereotype. However... taking it over with someone who is objective and detached can be cathartic. So far, my friend's counselor seems to just be letting her talk, and about the only advice she's given has been, according to my friend, pretty much all the same stuff I've already told her. Too bad I can't accept my friend's insurance and get the payments for it!

Look, we can sit here and tell you over and over that it WILL get better and that this hurt WILL pass, but that's not going to convince you or magically give you the strength you need to get through this. We're asking you to take a leap of faith here, to TRUST that we have been in your shoes and that we are sharing our own stories and experiences because we have come out on the other side and we know it can be done. Hey, right now TRUST is something that's pretty tough to ask of someone who has little belief in it anymore -- but you'll gain that back, really.

When I talk to my friend, I keep saying things like: "When that happened to me, I did this, that or the other thing. This is what I felt like, this is how I handled it, this is how I am today." I kind of feel guilty doing that because it seems like I am changing the subject to talk about ME instead of address HER situation. So I explained that to her -- quite obviously, the best way for me to relate to her and to give her advice is to draw upon my own personal experiences. As long as I keep in mind that no two people handle things exactly alike and that no two situations are identical, I think the overall perspective that can be shared is highly beneficial.

Go back and read all these posts again. Everyone here responded because they cared. There's nothing negative here at all -- and I'll tell you what, man... there's a lot of nasty, vicious fuckers out there in Internet-Land who like to be cruel just because they CAN. That didn't happen here, did it?

Given a little time and perspective, you'll see that everything here can be put to good use to help you out.

Believe me when I tell you, having lost TRUST myself, it's not an easy thing to handle. You put faith in someone, you believe in them, you give freely to them, you allow your love to build upon your trust... and when you see that ultimately rejected or disregarded... man, that's like a kick in the balls. You lose your breath and you stagger around, dumbfounded. You ask yourself HOW and WHY. And just like a kick in the balls, usually you can recover in time. But everyone is different and some kicks in the balls are harder than others, you know? Because of this, it may be a good idea for you to consider getting some counseling. If your balls kept swelling up for a long time after getting bruised, you'd see a doctor, right? If they got better quickly on their own, you might not need to do that. Know what I'm saying? It's your call -- think it over. In the future, do what I do -- wear a metaphorical and emotional CUP on those balls. Once kicked, you naturally become wary and look for ways to protect yourself. It doesn't mean you no longer HAVE balls, it just means that you've decided to be a little more practical about how much you want to let them swing in the wind.

My friend also keeps asking HOW and WHY. This is a double-edged sword: it can be useful if certain elements of a situation are uncovered and better understood, but at the same time, TOO much pondering about things that may NEVER make sense will only cause even more confusion. My friend has tried to JUSTIFY the actions of the guy that hurt her -- she thought that by giving a name or a reason to what he did would allow her the insight to understand. The problem is that, at least in my opinion, even if we DO actually understand, it still doesn't CHANGE the situation. The final outcome is what it is.

I've always been the kind of guy who looks at things from a "bottom line" point of view, at least whenever I can. Sometimes emotions get in the way of that. But I find it generally very helpful to face things HEAD ON instead of trying to fiddle around and make minor tweaks and adjustments that end up being little more than a waste of valuable time and energy.

Here's a kind of silly example... Once I was driving through the Black Hills of South Dakota. It was night, about 2 AM. The hills were shrouded in the thickest fog I'd ever seen in my entire life. Anyone familiar with these highways knows how treacherous they can be, even in the best conditions. I've driven all across the nation through every possible terrain, and I've driven in every type of weather: blinding rains, hurricanes, sandstorms in the Mohave, blizzards in New York, heat in excess of 117 degrees, you name it. Once my car broke down on near the summit of Copper Mountain in Colorado. I hitchhiked to the base for help. I'd been through so much and handled myself so well that I thought this drive through the Black Hills would easily be something I could handle. I was wrong. I couldn't see the road, I was dead-tired, my wipers couldn't keep the mist off the window, the slick asphalt was making me slip and slide. I tried everything I could think of to BEAT that highway. It was a matter of pride: I'd always won the battle before, why not now? This time, the highway won. I'd reached the BOTTOM LINE, though it took me a while to clearly see it. I pulled over at the next available rest area and found that it was jammed with people. Some were sleeping in their vehicles, some were wandering around in the fog looking kind of dazed. Bikers had unrolled sleeping bags and were snoring away on the grass. Trucks idled while drivers waited for dawn to arrive and fog to lift.

At first, I felt like I had given up. But when I saw all those people doing the same thing that I was doing -- I realized that I'd made the RIGHT choice -- the ONLY choice. I lost a day's worth of travel time, I lost my hotel reservations, I was hungry and cold and stiff from sleeping in my car... but I was smart enough to see the bottom line. It was a small price to pay: I could have easily been stranded on the highway or dead in a ditch. In the morning, the sun most certainly DID come up, as it always does. The fog melted away, slowly at first and then more and more rapidly. That day was sunny with clear, blue skies. The Black Hills were glorious to see. Even if I'd continued to press on in the dead of night and somehow had beaten the road and the weather, I would have missed some really amazing beauty.

Does that story help you understand a bit better what I'm getting at here?

Life's metaphors are far-reaching.

I've already told you that you need to focus on YOU right now. I won't repeat that lecture, but I WILL repeat the significance of this. If you sit and ponder TOO much, if you let yourself feel as though YOU did something wrong, if you lament over what is lost to the point where you cannot see what the future might hold... you can easily allow yourself to slip into a state of supreme funk that just won't lift like a fog even on the sunniest day. Don't let that happen. YOU did nothing wrong.

Sometimes losing one battle just means you live another day to face bigger and better challenges.

Look back at the stages of grief that I discussed here. Recognize them as they happen to you. You may very well have to go through all of that, and it isn't fun. But if you KNOW what it is as it happens, YOU gain the upper hand. It's OK to allow these natural and normal feelings to progress as they should. Seeing them for what they are, however, will ease you through this transition.

And you know what? Even though that fog got the better of me, and even though it could have caused me some serious problems, I'm still glad I drove through it, at least for a little while. I couldn't see the road ahead and I couldn't see all the beauty around me that the fog had covered up so deeply and completely, but there was something very, very beautiful and mysterious about the fog itself, too...

Quote |