I think we need to keep in mind that not everyone likes the same thing. Haspi is defining "top" as a guy who can rough-fuck the shit out of his ears. This is what he enjoys most. That's all well and good, but to suggest that all tops are EXPECTED to be this way is a little short-sighted, with all due respect... In his mind, this is what he needs and wants from a top partner. Great. But why get pissed at a top guy who is into gentle lovemaking? If the top guy in question misrepresented himself as being able to give it rough but in fact likes something different, I can understand the frustration. But if two guys are discussing getting together and one or both of them fail to communicate their desires, it isn't fair to get riled about it. Make sure you make your wishes clear -- then feel free to get annoyed with a guy who has ignored them.
When I see a porn film with guys fucking rough, I'm utterly turned off. I'll fast-forward through the scene. Likewise if I see guys attacking a dick orally, pounding on it and sucking so hard that their cheeks cave in from the intense suction. This is not what I personally like -- consequently, it makes sense that this would turn me off. So when I am deciding if I should meet someone new, I ALWAYS make it VERY CLEAR what I enjoy. I ask if he likes to suck for a long time. I ask if he enjoys sucking slow and easy. I ask if he enjoys teasing a dick. I ask if he can do more than just move his head up and down. I tell him I like medium to soft pressure. Hey, why SHOULDN'T I seek out decent sex? If I go through all this and a guy STILL ignores my preferences, THEN I get peeved and will give him the heave-ho. If I never discussed any of this with him, I'd have only myself to blame if I got something I didn't want.
I've had a few decent massages in my day, but nothing outstanding. Selfishly, this is possibly the one thing I miss most about no longer living with anyone. Even though my ex hated giving a massage and did it for only a few minutes, sometimes my back is in need of some relaxation. The point is, no one has ever SHOWN me how to give a massage, and no one has ever provided me with one to use as a learning experience to later share with others.
Regardless, I often like to surprise a guy with a good rubdown. I have oils handy, if he wants that, or I'll do it without. For some reason, I'm fantastic at doing this. EVERY guy, without exception, has given me countless compliments. Several have asked if I'm a professional massage therapist. A few have suggested I should become one or start to charge for services. Bragging? A little. Why not? I'm good at it.
When I went to New Hampshire to meet my buddy, it was easy to tell the kind of guy he was: kind, gentle, caring, emotional, loves nature, respects life, treats other people like gold. His personality TAUGHT me what I believed he might like sexually. Turns out I was right. One evening we came home from a wonderful dinner, lit several candles in his bedroom, broke out the massage oil. I had him lay down naked and I told him to forget about his dick and not worry about sex; we'd get to that later. I talked to him quietly as I massaged every inch of his body. I gave him suggestions for putting himself in a beautiful, peaceful place, up in the mountains. For at least an hour, it was all about HIM. Later, he told me no one in his life had ever cared enough to make him feel that good, and that it was the best experience of that kind which he'd ever had. That was really nice to hear.
Yet when I was about nineteen or so, I met a dude while cruising the streets just before sunrise back in New York. We hooked up and went to the lake, where we sat on some rocks and watched the sunrise. The guy took his shirt off and I started to rub his shoulders. He said: "What are you trying to do, put me to sleep? Pull out your dick, man." Here was a guy who had no interest in an intimate massage. He had to TELL me what he wanted, so I obliged. Having my dick in his mouth was fine with me, but had he wanted more, I'd have provided that, too.
I've also met up with men in more recent times who make it a point to tell me NOT to touch them: they want to be treated like dirt and used as a cocksucking pig. Hey, OK... I won't physically HURT anyone, but I can switch over and be a nasty motherfucker if this gets the guy off. No massage for him!
So no one taught me how to give a massage, and no one ever gave me one good enough to give me any pointers. I simply LISTENED to my partner, paid attention to the kind of guy he was, and took it from there on my own.
As for label confusion -- eh, well... we should be used to that by now. I don't tell anyone I'm a top, I tell them I'm dominant. If I WERE to fuck, I'd be on top: this is what turns me on. When I watch porn, I imagine myself as the guy doing the fucking. I don't get a thrill from thinking about ME being fucked. I can't tell you how many guys with the word "top" in their screen name contact me looking for a dick to suck. I always tell them I am not in the market for a top, and invariably they tell me this is fine with them, they just want a nice cock to eat. No problem, man... come on over...
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