Even though I haven't been in a gay bar in many years, I have never CRUISED a gay bar in my entire life. The first time I went into a bar was WITH my ex partner. ALL the rest of the times I went into a gay bar were ALSO with my ex. Also a few times with some friends in New England.

But I've certainly been down the same road. "Trading up" is a common occurrence in ALL cruising venues. Probably the biggest difference between gay bar cruising and other forms of cruising is that gay bars lend themselves to much more conversation. This can make things a bit more awkward -- we feel socially obligated to EXPLAIN our actions and choices to the guy we've been talking to for the last half hour.

To a degree, we ARE obligated by social standards to consider an "exit strategy" should we decide we need to implement one. But at the same time, we don't have to go to great lengths and contrive excuses, nor do we have to be too concerned with someone else's feelings.

It's nice to be nice, sure. But anyone who doesn't understand the scene or the situation and who takes personal offense to another man's sexual choice has a lot of learning to do.

As a general rule... if YOU approach someone FIRST, you should have ready a plausible and polite excuse to disengage yourself from further discussion or implied sexual activity BEFORE you start a conversation and build up the hopes of the guy you are cruising. You should also try NOT to let the scene go too far before you've made up your own mind.

If someone ELSE approaches YOU first, you are under no obligation to return any sexual interest if none exists.

In situations where SOME interest exists, it is OK to chat for a bit and see if you are both sexually compatible. Have your exit strategy ready to go if you realize this is not the case!

Miss Manners would almost certainly tell us that in a social situation, such as a group party, if you are engaged in conversation with someone and another person wishes your attention, you should politely excuse yourself when the proper opportunity arises. There is SOME SMALL degree of social debt owed to someone you don't truly know very well but have been conversing with for a period of time. This debt is easily excused with little more than a polite "goodbye for now."

As long as you do at least THAT -- I see no real issues here.

In bookstores this happens all the time, albeit without a lot of conversation.

When I walk into a bookstore, I naturally make note of the guys I like MOST. If there are, say, four of these guys wandering around, I cannot help but seek out the one I like MOST. If this guy is into me as well... all the rest of them are out of luck. If he is NOT into me... I hope for Mr. Number Two. And so on down the line.

If Mr. Number Two cruises me BEFORE Mr. Number One, I will make sure he knows I am interested but that I am not yet ready to make a decision.

This can backfire. Sometimes Mr. Number Two wants it RIGHT NOW and isn't about to hang around waiting for me to make up my fucking mind. I don't blame him at all. If he wants to hook up with someone else instead, he has every right to do that.

I think it is actually EASIER to communicate sexual intentions in a bookstore-type scene than it is in a gay bar. As I noted, in a gay bar you have to SAY IT ALOUD. In a bookstore, you can do it with a look or with body language.

I recently met a dude who I THOUGHT was an eager and willing cocksucker. He was an OK-looking dude. Half bearish, half cubbish, half nerdy, half shy. He made SURE I knew he wanted me. He appeared on the other side of a Buddy Window and we were both stroking very hard and impressive erections. I liked his dick. He seemed to like mine. Without any indication from me, he came over to my side of the booth immediately.

So I'm thinking I'm going to get a great blowjob out of it. I didn't. We both played with each other's dicks for a while, and that was fine, but it's not enough for me. I decided to suck him off for a few minutes first, then it was my plan to stand up and let him go down on me. I did this, but he kept saying stuff to me that I wasn't into. He kept pushing his own dominance and making me feel as if I should be playing the role of a submissive bottom or a submissive cocksucker. This is not who I am. I enjoy sucking dick if I'm into the guy, but I ALWAYS get sucked FAR more than I suck myself.

Anyway, I stand up and he does NOTHING. Won't even jerk me off again. He asks if I want to get fucked. Uh... no, I don't. Thanks anyway. He orders me to get back down and suck him some more. I flat-out refused, simply saying "NO." Then he starts begging. Then he starts saying how much he knows I love his dick and how good it feels in my mouth. Fact of the matter was... it was OK, but no big fucking deal. Sucking cock isn't my thing, really. And I HATE it when I'm supposed to play a role for a guy that is not who I am.

I ultimately had to push him away. He wouldn't pull up his pants and leave, though. I finally told him: "Dude, there's been a mistake here. I'm not the type of guy you are looking for."

Finally he opened the door and I thought he was going to step out. Instead, he waved his hand at the door to MY booth and indicated I was to leave. I refused THAT, too. I said: "No, I'M staying here, thanks."

He left, pouting. It was a huge turn off -- all of it.

But fuck it -- I had NO obligation to be with him and NO obligation to be something I am sexually NOT.

Last night I run into a GORGEOUS dude who is practically drooling over my dick through the Buddy Window. He makes a "blowjob" gesture with his hand at his mouth and waves me over to his side. I was excited. He was hot and he wanted to suck me off. NICE!

I get in there and he puts his mouth on my half-hard dick and... does NOTHING. As I've said before, I don't get off or get harder if a guy doesn't at least MOVE his head. Bummer. The guy was a closet-case type, it was easy to tell. But I've met some closeted dudes who lose ALL inhibitions behind the closed door of a video booth. Not so with this guy, though.

He asks me if I want to suck his dick. I agreed; he was a nice-looking dude. I figured maybe a few minutes of working his cock would get him encouraged to suck me better. It didn't. He just kept doing very similar stuff to what the previous guy did: all this talk about me being a great cocksucker. Blah, blah, blah. I was turned on by his dick and my own dick was hard as hell at this point, but I am JUST not into sucking without reciprocation (much as I love OTHER men who ARE into that).

Then, out of the blue he says to me that we should take a break. I took this as my cue to get the hell out of there. I was relieved and not into blowing him anymore. He said he wanted to go "get a pop from the machine," and "drink something other than Jack Daniel's." The he suggests that he'll catch up with me later.

Usually this is just a bullshit excuse -- and I was cool with that.

I stood up and he grabs my hard dick and takes it in his hand, admiring it for a few minutes. Yeah, OK... nice, but... I need more, dude.

But getting himself a soda wasn't an excuse. He DID want to get back together with me, much like the guy who went to the bathroom in the bar wanted to get back together with MGB.

I went into a private booth and had a smoke, not wanting to be bothered with anyone at the moment. The guy must have seen me go inside or just figured out where I was because he came back and tapped on the door repeatedly. He did this six times, I counted.

I was considering letting him in just so I could maybe make him cum and then he'd leave. But I decided not to do that. I also considered that maybe he got the hint that I wanted MORE than just to suck HIM off. After all, HE offered ME a blowjob FIRST. But he was half-drunk and I doubted that he had the skills necessary to get me off anyway. So I ignored him. Eventually, I made a break and just left the bookstore.

Probably this was MY mistake. I COULD have just TOLD him what I wanted. I could TELL this guy DID want to suck dick -- but he was nervous. I'm sure I could have easily taken "control" of the dude and got what I wanted. Plus, I would have enjoyed sucking him a bit more -- just NOT exclusively with nothing in return.

But I owed him NOTHING. And frankly, he owed ME nothing, either.

USUALLY I always know what a guy is into before we hook up. It's generally evident if he's a cocksucker or whatever. But sometimes... mistakes happen, as in these two cases.

In one case, I ignored the dude and hid out until he left me alone. In the other, I spoke my mind and said the truth.

It is BETTER and more polite to speak the truth. But there's no requirement to do anything or explain your actions in a cruising situation.

It is advantageous to let it be known what you want, however. If I ever run into the dude who I TOLD I was not the guy he was looking for, he'll KNOW this for sure and leave me alone from now on. If I run into the second dude, he may try to get together again, being uncertain as to why I never opened the door when he knocked.

So mostly I think your obligation is to YOURSELF. But there's nothing wrong with being polite. If someone who is out cruising can't handle polite rejection... too bad for him.

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