Only three-hundred blowjobs? I'm well into the thousands. This freaks out my straight female friend... she thinks I'm an utter pig. She's right, of course, but I don't let her know that.
Just teasing. I can relate with you about being picky when it comes to not-so-practiced cocksuckers -- I'll put an end to the encounter and walk away, too.
Your post isn't really so much about the ABS scene, though it is obvious that it is a sexual stimulating environment for you. I agree: I have even had dreams of enjoying myself in bookstores and then waking up to the rotten reality that there are no such places to go here in Jax.
The fact that you are possibly questioning your sexual preferences and asking if you are fooling yourself is what is of concern to you, obviously. You have asked for opinions on this and yet I hesitate because my experience with straight guys is that they tend to get defensive about the myriad of possibilities that exists when sexual preference is questioned.
The bottom line is that only YOU will ultimately determine what you wish to believe about yourself. It doesn't matter what WE think -- but we CAN tell you some facts based on our experience as well as some recently gathered scientific data.
To my knowledge, there were two studies conducted regarding bisexuality -- one quite a long time ago, one just recently. BOTH of these studies contain room for plenty of dispute, just like EVERY SINGLE STUDY ever conducted -- so take the results with a grain of salt...
But... 90% of men who identified themselves as bisexual, when shown sexual images of straight and gay sex, responded either most strongly or ONLY responded to the gay sex. Many of these men identified themselves as 50-50, liking both sexes equally. Yet their physiological response (erection) was driven by images of male to male sex.
Do whatever you want with that information. It is just ONE recent study (but it made a few headlines, not that this means anything) and it had a relatively small core sample group from which the data was collected.
But many of us gay guys tend to jump on that kind of thing. You have to understand the REASON why we kind of sometimes laugh at men who frequent bookstores day in and day out and yet continually claim they are straight: many of us GAY guys lived through a period of denial or sexual questioning ourselves. Therefore, we often feel that just because WE went through this phase it must mean that EVERYONE who follows the same behavior patterns is ALSO in denial or is confused.
When I was in high school I knew I liked guys -- I knew it even BEFORE that, actually. Yet in high school I fucked a few chicks and hung out with a group of the hottest girls in school. MOST of them I never touched, so I'm not bragging here. In fact, saying I've had some pussy here on CFS is NOT something I'd brag about anyway! It is but a distant memory now -- and I'm quite happy for that!
The point is that for a short time during high school, when I FINALLY admitted to myself that I liked guys, I thought I'd "come out" a little bit as bisexual. Looking back, I clearly see this behavior now as nothing more than a means of making a transition a bit easier for myself. It was "bad" to be gay, but it was NOT AS BAD to be bisexual. I could bullshit about "the best of both worlds" and all that crap. But in truth -- I didn't want much to do with the world of vaginas and boobs.
LOTS of gay guys go through this phase before they ultimately admit to themselves that they are gay. THIS IS FACT. SOME gay guys NEVER go through it, knowing they are gay and making no bones about it from Day One. Good for them. Seriously. But others need some time to make that leap of self-awareness. Consequently, we sometimes become prejudiced in our belief that anyone who makes claims to bisexuality or heterosexuality but yet exhibits almost exclusively HOMOSEXUAL behavior is, indeed, fooling himself.
I think this is a "reasonable" prejudice that should be tolerated at least a little bit. When a hypothesis is correct MOST of the time it DOES lend support to the theory. HOWEVER, when a hypothesis cannot be proved EVERY SINGLE TIME and the results repeated -- we cannot consider it an immutable law. In other words: there are always going to be exceptions.
The internet has allowed for many "straight" and "bi" guys to come out of the closet anonymously and get what they want. You could have never reached us here if CFS did not exist, right? You'd have a hard time finding places to cruise when traveling without this site. And you'd have almost NO support group of peers.
But ARE we your peers? I guess that depends on YOUR frame of mind. You are asking predominantly gay men to define you -- and we cannot give you a concrete answer. Not so much because we aren't your peers, but because we do not truly know what is in your heart and mind. Only YOU know that.
MY personal experience was that at the time when I selected a "bisexual" label for myself (it only lasted about a year), I was questioning my TRUE desires and my own judgments about myself. For me, these doubts about my sexuality were finally vanquished when I more or less just laughed at myself one day and essentially said: "Who the fuck am I kidding? Certainly not ME!"
The thing is -- sometimes it takes guys YEARS AND YEARS to get to this point. One of my Dad's best friends is gay -- HE didn't come out until he was in his fifties. My cousin NEVER had doubts -- he was a big, old queen at age twelve. It just depends. Some guys will NEVER, EVER come clean.
And some ARE telling the truth.
There are degrees of psychological deception for all of us. Sexuality is just ONE facet of this. Sometimes it isn't even "deception" on a personal level -- sometimes we simply CANNOT see ourselves for what we truly are. For example, there are many folks with clinically defined neuroses who have no idea that they have any sort of problem at all. In fact, for some of these people, their behavior may NOT be a problem if it doesn't interfere with the rest of their life. If a dude wants to wash his hands once every hour... and doesn't dwell on it, and doesn't let his habit get in the way of his daily life... well... so what? He's oblivious, he's happy, and his hands are certainly very clean. But for the dude who allows his hand-washing compulsion to dominate his thoughts and daily routine -- he knows he's got a problem and may or may not ever have the guts to address it.
Also be aware that there are lots of bi or straight guys who not only transition between a personal admittance of sexual identity, but who often do so BECAUSE they start to experiment MORE. Let's put it like this, dude: once you start sucking dick, you'll want MORE of it.
Even GAY guys often go through this. When I was a kid I kept all my sexual encounters limited to ME getting sucked off. I had the SAME mindset as many bi guys that I see quoted online so often: "Hey, I'm just LETTING a guy suck me, I'm not INTO him at all."
Eh -- for many of us, that turns out to be utter bullshit. We KNOW we're fooling ourselves. Then, one day, some hot, butch fucker shoves us down onto his dick and... it's hard to feel "straight" when you've got a fat cock in your mouth, you know?
And there's a whole "male bonding" aspect to this that cannot be denied. Face it: when a guy has his mouth around your dick, no matter how much you want to believe you are "only" doing whatever it is that it makes you feel comfortable to believe you are doing -- you are STILL bonding INTIMATELY with another man in a way that men who NEVER exhibit homosexual behavior cannot understand.
You've got a little secret, don't you?
Doesn't matter if you don't FEEL anything over it -- you KNOW it. I bet you THINK about it all the time, too. You think about men who are TRULY straight, who have NEVER, EVER been with another man and never will -- and you CANNOT JOIN THEIR RANKS. It's too late now -- you won't ever be a member of the "Utterly Straight Society."
You can look at that and despair and feel massive guilt. Or you can enjoy your OWN distinction and allow yourself to feel pleasure with your secret. THAT choice is yours -- and it is a HUGE decision to make.
We hear this whole "well, women just aren't as sexually free as men are and I can't find enough women to satisfy me so I HAVE to get it from other guys" baloney. I'm sorry -- you wanted opinions, so here you go: I don't buy that for one minute. Lots of gay men are reluctant to believe that there are, indeed, straight guys who have NEVER been with another guy, never even had a childhood experience, never thought about it: but there ARE. The fact is, MOST of the world is straight. A TRULY straight man would NEVER do what you are doing, would NEVER cruise a bookstore and tally up three hundred blowjobs from other guys. NEVER in a million years.
The choice of personal label is up to YOU. As is the choice of BEHAVIOR. Some guys can deny their sexuality FOREVER, remaining married and electing to NEVER act on their desires. Some men know they are gay from their very first sexual memory. Some men go through a transition phase of wondering. The fact is, it is NOT the same for everyone out there. YOU are whatever you think you are -- OUR subjective notions of what WE might call you don't really matter, do they? We'd only be basing our assumptions on our own personal experiences and history. We cannot grasp what YOUR life has been and what events led you to where you are today.
Personally, I don't care what a guy considers himself to be, but I DO draw limits when it comes to sexual encounters. Unlike many gay men who find it a huge rush to "conquer" a straight guy and get him into bed, I find the notion actually quite repulsive and derive no satisfaction from it at all. For me, I want a guy to be INTO me -- if all he wants is for ME to suck his dick and I can tell he has zero interest in anything but my mouth -- he won't get it! Likewise I feel the same for these alleged straight men who ONLY want to suck my dick -- when I read these profiles online that have all sorts of stipulations about "no kissing, no touching, no talking," etc. I am OUT of there. I don't like being USED. The good news is that there are plenty of gay men out there who DO get off on this -- and also, what the fuck do you care about what I like, right? The way I figure, if a guy isn't right for me, he IS going to be right for someone else -- so I won't waste MY time or HIS time trying to change his perspective -- or worse, giving in to something that doesn't turn me on and then feeling let-down after the fact.
This is not to say I have never hooked up with bi or straight dudes. In fact, I have a little situation going on right now with a bi guy that I may post about later on. But at least with this "bi" guy there is lots of mutual interest -- he wants me to fuck him, he wants to eat my cum, suck my dick -- and I enjoy taking care of him as well (which is rare). But if he allowed NO touching at all or anything BUT genital to genital sex -- I'd be done with him fast.
The ABS scene allows you to connect with many other guys who feel the same way that you feel. Even if you never have a conversation with them, and even if you never know FOR SURE who is in the ABS at any given time, you DO know that LOTS of married, bi, straight and gay guys frequent these places. So right there you have found a COMFORT ZONE: in the confines of the ABS, you are NOT ALONE.
And there's really nothing wrong with that, dude. I do wonder, however, if you feel nervous that BECAUSE of this unspoken connection, perhaps you are afraid of "bonding" a bit too closely with other guys in some way, be it physical, mental, emotional, whatever.
You say you are not attracted to men. Yeah, whatever. Maybe it's true, maybe it's not. But the fact remains: just look down and you'll see a face around your cock that can grow a beard. You'll see another dude jerking off his own dick. No matter what you say about your level of attraction, it TURNS YOU ON TO LET A GUY SUCK YOU OFF. A man's face on your dick -- how many times have you thought about it when jerking off? Plenty, I'm sure. You can refute a physical attraction to men -- you can say and believe and practice the fact that you are not aroused by the thought of INTIMACY with a man. But, dude... aside from kissing, which I feel is the MOST intimate sexual act possible, a man's mouth on your penis is a close second on the intimacy scale!
Yeah, yeah... I get it... you are saying you feel no sexually emotional connection. But you DO -- it is just a matter of the TYPE of connection. THAT kind of physical pleasure is seldom little more than JUST release, especially when you cross over in the HUNDREDS of times you've had a man suck you off. When you frequent places to find men who want to suck you -- when you repeated stick your dick in the mouths of other guys -- you can't tell me you don't feel ANYTHING at all, ever. Doesn't mean you want to tell the guy how hot he is or that you love him -- but the fact remains: a GUY'S face is eating your dick, not a woman's face.
I am basing these observations on experience, too, not just conjecture. I could related easily DOZENS of stories about men I met last winter who were clearly believing they are bi or straight and yet who got on their knees and devoured my dick with a passion that many gay men can't match (wanting and needing it more, they were free to let loose in a venue free of judgment). Yet when it was over, and many times before it had begun, it was impossible not to see the FEAR or GUILT in their eyes. It was like watching a starving man stare into the windows of a crowded restaurant and CRAVE what he cannot have but what he NEEDS to survive.
I ran into this big, hot dude I nicknamed "Butch" during my escapades in NY last winter. Let's just say that if I had X-ray vision I would have spotted his wedding band hidden away in his pocket. Not a soul would ever suspect that this big, hot, tough-ass motherfucker LOVED to suck dick. In fact, he made me nervous at first. I wanted to get together with him but feared that if I made a move at all he'd be rough or ONLY want ME to do something to him -- and I wanted more than that. Yet when I finally DID hook up with him, this gentle giant came over to my booth and delicately sank to his knees and sucked me off with EXPERT precision. His mouth was incredible soft and gentle and wonderful -- everything I like. Yet HE was as tough as they come. SEEING this massively BUTCH dude on his knees servicing ME was a HUGE thrill. The SECOND time we met he had me SO turned on that I came in about three minutes -- this was horrifying for me since I can last for hours most times. But he was TOO hot. I apologized to him and decided the least I could do was take care of him. And his dick was as hot as the rest of him. The THIRD and FOURTH time we met we both just kept taking turns on each other for a solid forty-five minutes or so. He NEVER tired of getting at my dick and I was pretty impressed with his, too (his dick was almost identical to mine, which was fun).
The first couple times, after we finished up, he departed swiftly and looked away, refusing to make eye contact. After that, however, he got a little more friendly and felt more relaxed. He would say a few words. We told each other that anytime we ran into each other at the ABS that we'd make it a sure thing and not bother cruising anyone else.
I didn't try bringing up the level of intimacy with him -- I knew he wouldn't go for it. Couldn't kiss this guy, but... he DID get more and more intimate with my DICK each and every time, not bothering to hide his desire and passion anymore. So that was cool.
It was easy to read this guy, as it is easy to read lots of guys who are in a state of sexual confusion. Bookstores are a good place to find that, as is the net.
If you were not confused at all, you wouldn't have asked. My experience is that most guys who ASK questions about THEIR sexuality have a certain degree of self-doubt. Which is just stating the obvious...
You can do whatever you want with your BEHAVIOR. You can continue on doing only what you do now or you can take it further sometime. I suspect you are scared of LIKING it if you take it further. But there's only one way to find out, isn't there?
For the record, I did NOT like it the first time a guy shoved his dick in my mouth. And for the record, I am STILL not a dedicated cocksucker. But I LOVE men and when I meet a guy that turns me on, I am more than willing to do much more than "let" him blow ME.
The bi guy I mentioned, the one I'm seeing now... he went INSANE for me sucking him. I have to say... I suspect it was one of the best times he's had in YEARS. Which kind of scares ME. HE was not a great cocksucker, but he wasn't bad. And I like his attitude of "do anything you want." Years ago, however... I could have NEVER blown a guy like that -- I would have been disgusted. I remember when I thought dick tasted BAD.
It's like olives, dude: an acquired taste, for some.
Go have fun and play safely. I would HIGHLY recommend to try new things -- but you cannot do that if you feel guilty about opening up to new levels of male to male sex.
And frankly, I only recommend that you and other bi guys try doing MORE because it directly benefits me!
Take it easy -- see ya 'round the gloryholes, perhaps.