Scruffy and everyone else wrote some great responses, but I think a couple of points have been missed.
1. If DC lives in DC, finding women for casual encounters should not be a problem. He's just looking in the wrong place(s). Not that I'm going to give advise here on where to get chicks (ABSs are not the place), but being approachable in certain situations increases the opportunities for casual sex with women. In smaller towns, I have found it harder to find men to have sex with than women.
Is this an issue that I am gay and women are more comfortable with that? No. That never comes up. I may be a bottom who loves to suck dick, but I don't advertise it to them.
2. A close female friend and I had a discussion several years ago about "honesty and deception" in these encounters. Does DC feel comfortable "playing" with men and having a woman as a girlfriend or wife? Many gay men have a partner (living with him) or in a "couple", yet also have open relationships. This happens less so with male-female relationships. Am I deceiving the wife or girlfriend by taking a load from her man? He made a choice to wrap a rubber on his dick and slide it up my ass, even though he could have put his meat in her cunt. If I know he is in this situation, am I enabling a dishonest action? Even if I don't know about his situation, does being available for casual sex with another man without validating the other person's motives play a part in deceiving someone else?
Of course, most of us would argue "no". Free choice is free choice. I didn't blackmail him into fucking me raw. I had a steady casual sex buddy who was with living with a woman. We moved from jack off buddies, to oral to fucking. We never talked about his relationship. I was not in any relationship at the time, so I was not deceiving anyone, so I argued. But my female friend would argue that like the traditional "other woman", I lingered over that relationship in a dishonest way. She also felt that dishonesty was rooted not in health concerns but in emotional concerns -- was I confusing the man's sexual identity, similar to that exhibited by DC.
3. Finally, I want to take issues with the very thought of "sexual identity." I really feel for those above the age of 35 or so who came to sexual maturity in a polarized, isolated era. Since the mid-1980s, I think men have encountered enough mainstream media to feel more and more comfortable with expanding their encounters with the same sex (or opposite sex) before settling into a habitual sexual identity. Scruffy hung around hot women, tried a few out, but ended up gay.
I think sexual identity is transitional. History has proven this, with literature and other information about past sexual practices. Mores ditacting strict deliniations have come more recently (another example of this type of transition is the increase in "religious mores" in current society -- Thomas Jefferson was an atheist, sexual predator, George W Bush is a evangelical, monogamite.) Yet, many young people (under the age of 25) are open to experiment with "friends with benefits." More and more, teenages can fuck whomever (male or female) they want . This creates a transitory sexual identity: same sex play occurs in high schools and colleges around the country (just like they have always occured around the rest of the world).
In the end, our sexual identity cannot be measured by pure labels ("gay", "bi", etc.) or percentages. Responding to certain pornography don't prove much either. That is a matter of taste. And tastes change -- today I want to see blow jobs and cum shots with "twinks". Tomorrow I want to see jerk off scenes with "bears". Or maybe a "straight" video?
And, taking this to a physical level, even though someone is "incredibly hot", a great physical and emotional connection makes the sex even better. Why does DC back out of "boring" blow jobs? Does that mean DC wishes he was doing the sucking? DC writes "I've become much more discriminating. Not so much on the basis of looks, but talent. If I am getting a BJ that is just so-so, or even bad, I'll stop it, nicely thank the person, and be out of there waiting for a better one." Scruffy sums this up well, "The way I figure, if a guy isn't right for me, he IS going to be right for someone else -- so I won't waste MY time or HIS time trying to change his perspective -- or worse, giving in to something that doesn't turn me on and then feeling let-down after the fact." Yet, if Scruffy does not continue with the guy not right for him, that does not mean he is no longer gay (his card is revoked). Instead, "action/intimacy/whatever" that DC is looking for depends not on the gender, not on the looks but on the connection. Scruff wrote "I don't like being USED," yet, as we all know, that is the very nature of an ABS. You want a great encounter with a guy? First, get over the guilt or fear that Scruffy so eloquently analyzed. Then, play racquetball with him, go biking or hiking, meet someone at a music club. For a first time "guy on guy" encounter, or as Scruff wrote "bring[] up the level of intimacy", DC needs to add himself (his interests, his personality, etc) to the equation.
My conclusion, lose the labels (everyone lose them, not just DC), lose the excuses (i.e., no women are available, men are easy) and deal with the guilt. Don't deceive yourself, don't deceive others.
Play fair, play safe, play often.
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