Yup, you are not alone with your 'changing moods'.
Frankly, unless I am emotionally involved, once I bust my nut, my interest in sex and the guy I have been messing around with goes down at an amazing speed. It has been always like that. Of course, a degree of 'emotional intelligence' makes it easy to stay and play around and help your partner reach his point of no return. Yet, most bttm dudes round here really do not expect you to do that. So, this isn't really an issue.
Only you know all the aspects of your personal position in this. So far, you have limited yourself to, hmmm, solitary exploration. You also have a drive to get involved with someone, at least on a very sexual level. How do you get there?
You have to decide, if you really want to try, for better or worse, and if you go for 'yes' then you have to stick to that decision without taking a quick and easy way out. Otherwise, you'll never come out of your 'loop' which is still fine but is slowly turning into a decreasingly thrilling experience.
Basically, you have two options ahead of you.
One is to go through some sort of a 'dating game' and find a partner who'll be willing to take his time, show you the ropes and whom you will reasonably trust with, among other things, 'popping your cherry', if and when you get that far.
The other option is to go for an anonymous encounter in one of the clubs, bars, saunas, ABSs. You'll need to take your time there, too. Instead of 'spanking your monkey' alone at home as the saying goes, let a willing mouth do the work for you, and see how you feel about it. Take it one step at a time and do not rush into anything, no matter how horny you are. Think it over and go a step further the next time around.
Do not ever feel that you have to do something that you do not feel like doing. Sex is by no means a game of reciprocation. It may be, but it does not have to be. So, you do what you feel like doing and stop short of what does not appeal to you.
No matter what you choose to do, once other guy(s) get involved, wear your rubber and make sure they do, too. Period.
I know, all of the above sounds easy and logical but it really is awfully difficult to take that one decisive step. Only you know, if you really want to do that and only you know what would make it easier for you to get there.
I used to have a friend who was facing a similar problem while both of us were in our early 20's. He wanted it badly, yet he simply didn't have the guts to do it and would always chicken out at the very last moment. Somehow, he saw the whole thing as something irreversible and feared that making that one step would make him 'gay' forever. Admittedly, something he was not looking forward to. After much ado, I had to leave him to his own devices and tribulations. Fortunately, a spring break came to his rescue. We flew quite a bit away, no one knew us there and well, the feeling of 'what goes on in Vegas, stays in Vegas' set in. Boy, did he jump on that train. And yeah, we sure partied.
Has his life changed? Yes and No. He has discovered another amazing aspect of human experience and learned a lot about what his likes and dislikes were. A few years later, he told me, this was just like learning another foreign language. He knew it and it was entirely up to him, if he wanted to use it or not.
KD
