I belong with the people ,who don't settle.
Scruff, in my opinion seems like the most down to earth respectible guys on this forum.
But to be trually honest ,my expectations are clearly differatiate
then most of these people in this forum.
I am clearly looking for a partner, not a F. buddy, been (there done that) I post my so called looks in expectations of meeting some one for the person I am.
I am not so shallow,as I seem.
As I get older, I seem to share the same interest's,
F-me, I am not trying to settle for something I can't have, I am trying to deal with something I crave ( which is some one I can bond with).
I can have all the one night stands I want, they can blow me to there hearts content.
But. what I'm looking for is something more. I have done the meat and greet, I 've done the foot stapping in your face booth kind of crap. you know what,. our lives are much better than this shit.
Why do we think our expectations are better then what we think?
We as (gay individuals) look to have (or feel) less than what we are?
Because we are trained.
Sorry, Im am really off subject.
You know what, who gives a shit what I think, you do what.s right for you.

Quote |

OK, don't get too hard on yourself here.

First of all, some people ARE going to give a shit about your thoughts. Many of us will have the same ones. How you deal with those thoughts is what makes you who you are.

In your previous post (Child of priveledge) you talked about being good looking and asking if that is an advantage or not (at least that is what I got out of your post). As you have already seen, looks can be both an advantage and a disadvantage.

The real question is "How do you turn fantasy into reality?" You seem to make clear now that your fantasy is have a partner to share your life with. What many men find is that fantasy is just that—fantasy. Once the fantasy has been fulfilled, it is completed and abandoned. If you feel that your looks are simply fulfilling someone's fantasy this can really be getting in the way of you completing your fantasy. This is both because you cannot be sure that the person is with you because of who you are or because of how you look.

Looks are the primary part of attraction. If someone finds you physically attractive, this is the start of someone wanting to be with you, yes even the beginning of a relationship. Some people find it easier to find relationships by dating. Meaning connecting with someone through friends or in a public setting and then doing things together that are not instant sex. Other relationships have been formed from what the two partys expected would only be a one-night stand.

The best way to find someone to spend your life with is to be the type of person who you would spend your life with. Still go about your life and try to meet people in whatever setting you are comfortable with. Have the sex you are comfortable with. Realize that meeting a person in a cruising zone does not mean you are both forever cruisers. A few meaningful relationships have come from cruising spots. Just be clear up front once you couple up that both parties have the same expectations. Will cruising continue or will you be committed to each other only?

Don't let your fantasy (or your expectations of his fantasy) get in the way of your reality. Use it to your favor. Learn to yearn for your fantasy. And if you are part of his fantasy, and want him to be your long-term partner, help him realize that his fantasy can be a long-term reality.

You don't have to choose looks over experience, or looks over compatiblity. You really can find it all. As long as you realize that some people get better looking the more you know them, and some people become more compatible the longer you are around them, you are on the right track.

Good luck. Love yourself first and it makes it easier for someone else to love you.

Quote |

Yes, I too find ScruffyCub's comments enlightening. That is — as long as I have time to read the whole damn thing

Thanks Scruff

Quote |

amen to both sentiments. marco we are all pulling for you.

Quote |

Humble thanks; you're all far too kind. I'm just a dude... but will admit that I've learned from experience and I do make an effort to see events in life outside of the confines of my own subjective opinions, at least whenever I can.

It should be noted as well -- the guys here have helped ME immensely when I've had my own questions to pose to the community. Sometimes individual opinions within a larger group can be used to gain personal insight... if we are open to suggestion.

Marco... I met my ex partner through cruising. Granted, the relationship failed, but it didn't fail as a result of HOW we met. I could have met him anywhere and it would have still failed. And even though that was a lot of heartbreak for me, I DID love the guy, and I still do, just not in a romantic way. I realized after he left that I had a choice: I could regret the time I spent with him and consider that I had "lost" fourteen years of my life -- or I could appreciate what I had, learn from my mistakes, and consider the time I spent with him as something which had many wonderful moments.

HE cruised ME, actually. He tailed me late one night while driving around a gay part of town. He had been at the bars; I was just driving. We messed around in my van, he gave me his phone number. I really liked him, but had NEVER, EVER called a guy before in my entire life (well, once... but that's another story with a bad outcome, so I never did it again). But I WANTED to call my ex. And I LOST his number, for real. Several nights later, he ran into me again. We fooled around more, and he berated me for not calling. I told him I lost his number and it sure SOUNDED like a lie, but it was the truth. He gave it to me again, and I DID call. After that one phone call... we ultimately became partners. It's funny... I had previously tossed dozens of phone numbers out the window of my van, having no interest in any of the guys who had given them to me. Yet the ONE guy I really wanted to call... and I lose his number. And then I meet him AGAIN and I was given a second chance. It took him about three years into our relationship before he believed me that I had lost his number, too.

So you CAN meet someone and fall in love when cruising. But you don't have to cruise if you don't enjoy it. I'm just saying that sometimes the method isn't as important as the outcome. It's like doing a math problem... you can "show your work" or you can sometimes just skip to the answer. Whatever works for you...

Look, here's some honesty for you:

While I've made it clear that I simply CANNOT handle a relationship at this point in my life, I've also made it clear that I do not discount the future possibility.

Dude, I've had some very satisfying, very emotional, very tender, very romantic encounters with men who are one night stands -- or two or three nights, or regular buddies or whatever. But do not EVER think for a minute that I find these encounters to be spiritually fulfilling. They are NOT. They ARE emotionally fulfilling -- and that's great. But they don't rock my SOUL, you know?

There's a huge difference.

I've CARED for some guys, respected them, appreciated them, admired them... but it's been on a human level, a man to man level, not a romantic level.

Yep... I have a FEW lonely nights. But just a few. Most times I am far too busy to feel lonely, but I'm human and would be lying if I said that I STILL sometimes feel funny sleeping without some big jerk laying next to me snoring all fucking night long, you know?

And yes... I think about my future. I think about the fact that I do NOT want to be alone forever. But you know what? Being alone for NOW, at this point in my life... it's not a big deal at all. It's what life has given me, and it's also what I've made of my own life.

I can't DWELL on it and I will NEVER allow myself to be miserable because of it. Fuck that. I'm going to ENJOY WHATEVER life happens to be.

Even some of the greatest sorrows we can possibly imagine can be learning experiences once the pain has passed.

It's all how you CHOOSE to look at it.

I know this is trite, so excuse me, but... LIFE IS CHANGE, man. Every year that passes... more and more change. We settle into a certain comfort zone and suddenly find that the serenity of our daily rut is torn asunder by whatever circumstance life throws at us next.

Meet each new change with anticipation and stamina. I'll be damned if I'm going to let anything BEAT me.

I don't agree with ANY organized religion on the face of the Earth, yet as I have said, I also subscribe to a pantheistic approach and I agree (to an extent) with EVERY religion. Every religion has one basic tenet that surely MUST be true: "Treat your fellow man the way you wish to be treated yourself." If they ALL agree on this, and since we can see from history and from science that this is the secret to the most successful societies and personal achievements... it HAS to be something worth serious consideration.

Live your life as you best see fit to do. Don't cruise, cruise, wait for love, don't wait for love... whatever is going to make you HAPPY and allow for you to SHARE your happiness with other people. If you are MISERABLE, you are doing something wrong and you need to evaluate what that might be and work to change it.

Everyone has a bad day. Everyone cannot be happy for every minute of their life. There is also a fine line between holding an alleged higher moral code and feigning superiority and denying yourself the pleasures that life has to offer. It's also a delicate balance between a good measure of healthy ego-stroking and becoming an arrogant prick.

I think the key to that, at least for me, is learning to love yourself but not to the extent that you have nothing left to give to anyone else.

Sometimes, just smiling for a stranger or holding the door open at the 7-11 for a senior citizen or something as banal as that is a good way to "do unto others" without feeding junk food to the ego.

Anyway, dude... everyone here has given great advice in response to your post. Absorb it all and use whatever parts you feel pertain to you most to your best advantage. Just live your life and be as happy as you can.

"Living well is the best revenge," or so they say. The thing is, living well doesn't need to be vengeful. Living well is, in my opinion, something we OWE to ourselves. Don't deny yourself that pleasure.

Life is too fucking short, man.

And I swear, it has happened to me time and time again: WE GET WHAT WE DESERVE. And for times when we feel as though we have gotten a raw deal and we definitely do NOT deserve whatever it is we are experiencing that is difficult -- we most often find out much later on that in fact, whatever happened was necessary for us to learn: ergo, we DID deserve it (though sometimes life-lessons are far more blatantly "in your face" than they need to be just to get a damn point across).

Good luck, dude. And thanks again.

Quote |

My only advice to you Marco is not to become too frantic in your search for a partner. Guys can pick up on someone desperately seaching for a partner and it can be a major turn-off. I'm speaking from my own experience so it's possible I'm wrong, but I don't think so.

That guy that calls himself ScruffyCub gives good advice and I agree with 99% of what he says so I'll not heap more praise on him at this time. Scruff's true gift is being able to put what he's thinking into words that anyone can understand.

There's an old corny saying about life being what you make it and it goes something like "when life deals you lemons, make lemonade".

Quote |