One of the things that has significantly changed over the years is the notion of 'cheating'.

It is certainly a cultural trait, but I grew up in a society that believed that being a male AND single (as in 'unmarried') really meant that you were supposed to be promiscuous.

A young dude was supposed to work on his scorecard, gather experience, become a better, more sophisticated lover. Not embracing pervading promiscuity meant that something was wrong with you, putting it bluntly. A young, virile dude was supposed to go around sowing his wild seeds before he gets married. If he failed to do so, the urge would come later on in life, and probably destroy his marriage, family, etc..

When my buddies and I first started messing around regularly in our freshman year, none of us viewed his playmates as more than NSA hookups for here and now. Naturally, over the few months, some guys bonded with each other more than with the others. This was a recognized fact. Yet, hardly anyone ever talked about going monogamous.

Having a strong(er) bond with one or two of your buddies simply meant that the guys viewed each other as 'regulars'. They clicked sexually, socially, and even possibly emotionally to some extent. They would always find the way back to each other while exploring sex with other like-minded guys and occasionally available girls.

No doubt, these bonds were pretty transient. Even so, the bonds usually held for quite a while. And though the dudes played on the side, no one really talked about cheating.

Enters the heteronormativity of the present day, and suddenly, a few guys are being labelled 'cheaters, and even worse, the others are being blamed for helping them cheat.

Life was a bit easier, more natural when no one thought it his prerogative to either own the guy or be his moral guardian. You wanted a dynamite between your bedsheets. A player who knew all the tricks of the trade. Someone who was really going to make it worth your while. And you understood that he was a free man, gathering skill and experience while living his life on his terms.

KD

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Very true.

Being monogamous was something for M/F relationships. M/M sex play was "for fun".

But AIDS and more acceptance changed that.

Originally fooling around with a guy was "safer" because he could not get pregnant. But the fear of AIDS suddenly made random gay sex dangerous and made guys feel that they needed to settle down.

Mind you there were always other STD's guys could catch from each other - but AIDS was a game changer.

And now as society becomes more accepting of gay relationships society tries to impose some of its rules on the game.

I have known a number of happily married guys who once in a while need to get some cock - but now on many of the gay boards you will see them getting lambasted for cheating - when in the past it would have been an acceptable outlet.

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One aspect of the "normalization" and "assimilation" of gay men into the larger society is that I wonder if, with more married gay couples, there may eventually be some stigma attached to playing around or having open relationships.

With some guys, I used to hear those sort of comments even occasionally back in the 1980s, but it was rare. Part of the "transgressive" aspect of being gay was that we could make our own rules (if they were, in fact rules) for handling our relationships and not copy straight monogamous models of behavior.

My partner and I have decided not to marry, for many reasons. A court here in Texas recently recognized a common-law marriage between two lesbians that started before the recent Supreme Court decision on same-sex marriage.

We're thinking about executing a formal "no-nup" agreement to try to make it clear if anyone questions it that we aren't married and don't constitute a "household" for legal purposes. That might be an issue at some point with respect to his profound disability and his eligibility for certain means-tested benefits.

So, for some people at some times, it's important to dot your "i's" and cross your "t's" in this type of situation and not let anyone assume anything, instead making things explicit.

In any case, regarding sex we both always did whatever we wanted and didn't really care what others thought, although we tried to keep each other informed, were attracted to the same types of guys, and generally wanted to be kind and thoughtful as much as possible.

Our 15th Anniversary will be next Sunday. On to other things...

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I already see stigma attached in many posts.

Often you will see a post from a guy who has a wife but still feels the need to fool around with other guys from time to time.

For me that is something very understandable - I have known a few guys that have told me if they were growing up today they would probably be gay at the time we were young they did not see that as an option and got married and had kids.

But yet the desire to have sex with a guy never fully left them so they occasionally fool around.

I often see replies saying he is cheating or he needs to tell his wife, etc.

They don't understand - some of these guys really love and are committed to their wives - but they still need a bit of M/M sex release.

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