I was sitting by myself in a local gay bar enjoying a solo beer. I was not really looking for company. I am watching the crowd and I see the next to last man I would ever expect to see in a gay bar.

I have worked with this guy for three years and have NEVER gotten a gay vibe of of this guy EVER. The guy is trying to be invisible but I don't think he saw me. He gets a beer at the bar and is so busy studying the bottle and avoiding eye contact that he doesn't see me walk up. I said "Hey Roy." and he just about fell off of the stool. He mumbled a greeting, said he had to be going and started to get up. I told him that he had just walked in, had only taken a couple of drinks and he could come sit with me at a table.

He was looking around and declining my offer like he was scared to death somebody would see us talking in a gay bar and draw the "wrong" conclusion. The bartender delivered the two beers I had ordered and I managed to convince him to just have a chat and drink the beer. I told him that nobody would bother us and he was the only other guy that I worked with, that I had ever seen in the bar.

He finally agrees and joins me at my table. While I would love to report that we had a few more beers and had then had wild abandoned sex, that was not the case. Yet. Roy was late 30's, in a naturally fit body and was a lot of fun to look at. He tells me his second marriage was failing (failed) and he was lonely and depressed. I felt sorry for the guy but pity is never helpful. I asked if he or they had cgone to counselling and he replied that they had but nothing works "because I (he) just doesn't understand women". Please understand that we have never had any more than just casual conversation since he came to work with our company.

So after he crushed my mood and any sexual thoughts I had about him, he abruptly excused himself and bolted for the door. I offered to talk anytime and my house as a place to crash if he needed it.

So many questions... Has anyone else had this happen?

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I have never had that happen -

If it did I would more likely be in Roy's shoes (only older and not naturally fit - damn it!)

It probably took a LOT of courage for him to enter that bar - assuming it was clearly a gay bar.

I would guess in his upbringing being gay was not an option - even if is gay.

Make sure you act just the same as always at work - if he is dealing with his sexuality he is probably scared to death of being "outed". Just keep it low key and let him know if he ever wants to talk you will be happy to listen - but don't press the issue.

For some people accepting being gay was always easy - for others it will always be something they never completely accept about themselves. Not saying that is right - it is just reality.

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It speaks well of someone who is willing to help a guy he knows superficially in the hour of need.

But I would not read too much into this.

No doubt, he is going through a turmoil, and sees himself as someone who has failed to understand women. (Good News: he is one of very, very many) Under the circumstances, a gay bar may be a good temporary refuge from his point of view.

I would stop short of doing anything else here. He needs to sort himself out. You offer is on the table...

KD

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Any gay bars on the west side of Central?

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Hey chrisgowa -

Just wondering if anything was ever said about your meeting?

Or at work has he just ignored the fact it ever happened?

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The rest of the story:

Roy went into a downward spiral as things got worse at home. We talked about a week after the chance meeting.He told me his wife had emptied the house while he was at work. She also emptied the bank accounts. Roy was obviously in a very dark place. I offered him a loan to get him through, but he politely declined. I heard he had been served his divorce papers at work (heartless bitch!) and that he went to pieces in front of everyone. I was out of town at the time and felt horrible for him. Our boss is a damn fine man and took Roy into his office for a chance to compose himself. He gave Roy the rest of the week off with pay (on the company dime) and gave him the names of his attorney and counselor.

I tried to call Roy but found all of his numbers had been disconnected. Now I am VERY worried, so the boss and I drive out to his house. There is a "Short Sell" sign in the front yard and no answer at the door. We each took a house on either side and went to talk to he neighbors. They both said that he had packed his clothes and was moving back to New Mexico to be with family.

When we got back to the officer there was special delivery letter for the boss. It was Roy's letter of resignation and it was effective immediately. I lhave not heard from Roy.

This was not the end of the story I had hoped for. I REALLY debated even posting this. I guess I just wanted to say that we need to just be kind to each other. There is no telling when or in what manner a person in serious need may come your way. I know that you cannot help them all no matter how much you try. I would like to think that everyone could/should try.

Yeah, pretty pollyanna-ish but my grandmother always told me when I was a little boy to treat others as I would like to be treated. Good reminder.

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This is really a harrowing end of the somewhat innocent story of bumping into someone you know at work while having your beer at the local gay bar.

A big part of Roy's problem may be widely spread notion that your family should be your primary source of support. There is some truth here, too.

My school buddies and I were raised with the notion that once you are 18, you start calling the shots, and bearing the responsibility for them, too. We were all told that once we graduated and got our jobs, our first and foremost line of defense was us. Not our families, and in particular not our parents. I like to think about all of this as being the silver lining attached to the "boys do not cry" mildly macho upbringing.

Maligned as it is, the "macho" upbringing (for the lack of a better expression) taught you to network among ALL your friends, and the folks you knew, dig into your "rainy day" reserves, shrug with your shoulders and move on, no matter what anyone may have done to you. Packing up, and moving back to your family for support or help would not be how you start but rather how you end managing such a crisis.

KD

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I am so sorry to hear about your friend.

Hopefully in time things will get better for him -

Although there was nothing you could do at least you will know you tried to reach out to him and maybe in time that will have been the first step to his getting his life back together.

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