How to find the right guy?

boston1979 · #1 10th July 2004, 02:54 PM

I'm looking for advice on how to find the right guy. I'm 24 and bi-curious, and have only given head once in my life but want to try again. However, I'm very discreet about this. The complication is that I live in San Francisco with two roommates who are also good friends, so a) I can't host, and b) I'm afraid that if I leave the house for a couple of hours at a time (or if I come home from work at 9 at night), they'll start to ask about my whereabouts. I guess I'm just very paranoid about people finding out that I want to suck sock. I've browsed the boards here and checked out craigslist, but it's hard to find someone willing to put up with my time constraints. Any bi-curious people in the same boat that can help?

ScruffyCub · #2 10th July 2004, 04:24 PM

See a post I'm going to write in a few minutes in the Gay forum which relates to this situation... a bit.

Twenty-four years old technically makes you a grown man. Why do you have to account to anyone for what you do or where you go?

If you are going to arrange to meet another man at a given time, why can't you just tell your roomies that morning or whenever that you feel like heading out for a while that evening and you won't be home. You're going to have a drink somewhere and relax. You want to sit in the park and watch the sunset. You need to go to the library and browse around until they close (9 PM for large branches, wouldn't you think?), you are going to take a drive somewhere, unwind and listen to music, you are going to grab dinner with a friend from work, you simply don't feel like being trapped in the house (it's SUMMER) and want to spend the evening alone with your thoughts.

There's a million possible things you can say -- and NO acceptable reason why you can't do what you want to do -- whether it happens to be sucking dick or ANYTHING else you feel like doing. Unless you signed a legal contract with your roomies which states that each of you must account to the others for every action you take and every place you go, your life is still your OWN.

Going out on a limb here... I think you're making your own excuses simply because you're afraid and/or not ready for this. It's easier to blame the roomies, isn't it? Still, you are a horny young man and you want to experiment. You are taking a situation that is not complicated and making it so, for the sake of easing your conscience. "I CAN'T do this, I'm restrained and precluded from having my own life because of OTHERS. I guess it isn't my fault and I cannot be blamed for my own inaction."

Is that on the money at all?

If the "excuses" listed above don't fit your life, for example, you don't own your own vehicle or never go to the library, make up an "excuse" that DOES fit your life.

Even with a partner of fourteen years, we understood that each of us needed some time apart. If my ex was tired after a long day at work but I wanted to go out and enjoy a beautiful summer night, I simply told him I needed to get away for a few hours. Had he refused to "allow" me time to myself, I'd have left him long before he ever left me! To give him credit where it's due -- at least he had the common sense and understanding to know that I was not obligated to spend every minute of the day with him. And frankly, he enjoyed his free time alone at home, as evidenced by the massive downloads of pornography he'd accumulate while I was gone!

And finally, some practical advice that doesn't psychoanalyze you:

You say you've tried various websites. Well... TRY AGAIN! Just because no one has yet been able to accommodate a certain time frame right now doesn't mean they won't be able to do so in the future.

Furthermore, while I always think it is best to be honest with men when making online contacts, you may wish to consider conveniently leaving out the information which tells them you've only sucked dick once so far (if this is indeed how you went about placing your ad). To be frank, I get messages ALL the time from newbies who want to suck me off, guys who tell me they've done it once or twice and want to "practice" on me. I'm not into it. I want a man who has experience, who is GAY and not questioning or bisexual, and who has pleased many dicks in his day. I HAVE met with guys who have little to no experience, and with two notable exceptions, ALL of them bored the hell out of me. So I simply don't go that way anymore. Other men may feel the same. But also you need to remember that this is not true of everyone. LOTS of guys would be excited and delighted to meet with a first-timer. So try it both ways and see what you get.

You have to be a bit more flexible, though. I can understand if it might not be possible for you to leave your home at midnight and go meet someone -- but not every guy out there is going to be able to fit you in at exactly the perfect time for YOU. Compromise, dude. Stop saying "I can't," and justifying it by blaming your roomies and your living situation.

Oh, yeah. You live in San Francisco. Plenty of dick in that town, dude. And plenty of it is deadly dick, too. Please be very careful.

Corey · #3 10th July 2004, 06:12 PM

I am sure you can find a lot of guys in SF to host. And as Scruffy said, you are your own man. Or lie to them - go out & get a blow job or suck a guy off - come home. If they ask (why are they asking - do you ask where they have been?), tell them you went out for a coffee or for a drink. I would not lie to them. Those little white lies can be the worse thing! They just seem to escalate into much bigger lies & it gets to the point where you forget what started it all.

discreetbottom · #4 10th July 2004, 11:27 PM

I know how you feel.I`m married and my wife don`t know so I must be discreet at all times.I would love to find another married guy whos mostly a top(I love being bottom)and lives in my area to meet with for no strings attached sex.We could call each other and if we both had the time we meet somewhere in town and get nasty then go home untill the next time he needs a blow job or my ass to fuck and/or I might be the one whos craving cock.So I know what your going through.

GASlick · #5 11th July 2004, 09:40 AM

Same as db here...married and she doesnt know....You went out with friends from work, you went to the mall....whatever. Dont question your roomates and they probably wont question you...or you could return the questions with "what...are you my mother"???

Id love to get with a newbe but it is a turn off for some.....Each to their own....

Scurffy gives excellent advice..but...you have to remember that his situation and feelings are different. Bi guy here and sometimes I feel like gay guys dont understand me...there are those that wouldnt have sex with me because I am married and there are those that would stand in line to do so!
Each to their own.......

NightHawk · #6 11th July 2004, 01:02 PM

Hey, Boston. Hope it has already happened for you, but if not, keep this in mind. I have a few straight guys, all married except for one college student, and all of them like to get head from time to time and contact me. At first, they were all nervous about having me over, especially the college guy at his dorm room. However, I tell them all that if I drop by their house or dorm room, the LAST thing anyone is going to think is.."Hmm, I'll bet that guy is going there to suck his dick." No, it would really be more like.."hmm...I wonder who he is". And for that, there's always a story: a friend of my Dad's who came by to see me (college student); a friend from work who dropped by to bring me something; a guy who goes to school with me and brought me some notes...

Keep in mind, Boston, if you come home late, they won't be thinking, "Man, I'll bet he was out getting his dick sucked by some guy." It will not even occur to them. If they think anything sexual...they'll think you've been getting some at work or after work.

Good luck, man.

ScruffyCub · #7 12th July 2004, 05:38 PM

True enough, GASlick: to each his own. My personal opinions are just that -- opinions. Message boards provide the opportunity for everyone to provide information based on their own experience, giving a more well-rounded point of view. You're right: there's tons of guys out there who are into married dudes, bi dudes, etc. In fact, I suspect a LOT of self-proclaimed "bi" guys label themselves as such in online profiles because it has become trendy just lately to be bisexual -- and because it offers some sort of implied assurance of masculinity and discretion. I tend to think many "bi" labels in profiles are really men who know they are actually gay but just want to improve their odds of finding dick online! Not ALL, of course... but there are enough of them. In fact, sometimes I run into a guy who describes himself as bi and when I say I'm not interested, he suddenly tells me "Oh, I just put that there because I like bi guys. I'm really more into men." Or something quite similar.

Regardless, though -- it's a good idea for the dude to try it both ways. Some will be thrilled to get with a newbie -- others will not. And while I personally wish more men would strive for honesty, I'm not naive enough to think it will happen anytime soon. May as well play the field and expand your options.

I also agree that the roomies probably won't question anything -- which makes me feel all the more confident that my original assessment is on the money: the dude is falling back on excuses and focusing on hypothetical possibilities in an effort to distance himself from his own responsibility for his lack of seeking the sex he wants. This isn't an insult, though: most of us have been through this at one time or another, even myself. I just got over it at an early age, but I sure do remember what it was like to be afraid and feel that everything I did was much more suspicious than it actually was.

GASlick · #8 12th July 2004, 07:49 PM

Well said Scruffy....Looks like you put some thought into this one and put on your counselor hat to boot!

I want to diverge from the topic to hit on some things scruffy said for the sake of helping otheres understand.

Yeah there are some people that think its the thing to be bi (and they are not). I think there are lots of gay guys that like to play that game to score more dick. Just like the guys that wear a wedding band to make those straight guys think that they are married....u know the hangup "Im not gay and the guy that sucked my dick isnt either he is married" excuse.

Most people want to see things in black and white....Gay and Straight. They want to eleminate the shades of gray because to only have extremes makes life easier for them. Its like war...its easier if the enemy "looks" different.

I love pussy.. ..and have for years. .....which made it hard to figure myself out. I couldn't be gay because I love pussy so when im looking at the naked men and gettin hard it never computed until recent times since before you had to be gay or straight..no inbetween.