Is it normal to feel depressed about aging? It seems so selfish and stupid, since of course the alternative to getting old is being dead. I was a part of that generation that was hit hardest by HIV in the 80's and yet I made it to this point -- something I should be very grateful for. Am I silly to be depressed at getting older? How do you cope with getting older?

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Here is my strategy:

#1 Take very good care of yourself.
Exercise. Eat well. Dress well. Get enough sleep. Manage your budget well. Do not work yourself to death. Make sure that all this shows within the reason. Reinvent yourself and amply demonstrate that you are very active, involved, and at the top of your game. Go with the times. Never allow the impression to be created that you are stuck in the 80's, 90's or wherever. If you are writing 2008, behave accordingly. Nothing suceeds like success. Yet, trying too hard is always counterproductive. Make sure that you achieve your goals using your knowledge, networks and experience rather than just the gruelling daily grind.

#2 Focus on the guys who make you tick.
If you are into the dudes your age, broadly speaking, you should be ok, if you do #1 and project a healthy, positive image of yourself. If you are looking for dudes who are 15-20 years your juniors, you are up for a major struggle. Be prepared to enter a supercompetitive market. You want to reach out, be prepared to part with some cash and take a few rejections in the process. Most guys are looking for partners within their own peer group. Yet, there are loads of young dudes out there, who would be more than happy to have a hot daddy on their side.

IMHE, you want to take charge and control of the situation. You also want to leave them loads of their own space and make sure that you are not depraving them of their contacts with their peers. Yet, you are the one, who sets the rules, usually pays the bills and has the final say. Learn how to take that burden of responsibility upon yourself.

Respect their idependence. Make sure that the young dude on your side has a clear vision of his life with you as well as of his life without you. Generating the feeling that your young bf is trapped with you, will probably only make him bolt for his freedom. Letting him understand that there is life without you but that such a life has its numerous drawbacks, too, always stregthens the relationship. Do not accept the monogamous relationship uncritically. Creating the impression that you want to own your young friend is poisonous. Even worse, creating the impression that you won't be able to move on without him will spell the end to your joy.

Not everyone is a fair game. No matter how good you may be, some guys will never go for a much older/younger/white/black/asian/butch/nelly/beefy or whatever guy. Period. Phase them out completely and do not waste your time and resources on them. They want to play in the sandbox with their peers only and you should not stand it their way.

The old adage that every Daddy is actually a sugar daddy, too, is very true. It is however, up to you to make sure that you control the situation completely. Every college kid these days knows how to spend loads of cash in grand style. Sadly, for many guys, this is the only thing they are really good at. Base your relationship not on the incessant expenditure of your cash but on the process of empowering the young guy on your side to achieve all he wants to achieve with your help. Some guys will never take up that game simply because they are here for a different purpose. Phase them out immediately. They boil down to being very expensive and too complicated escort dudes in disguise. If you want an escort dude, you know, where to go.

#3 Ask yourself, what is it that makes you attractive and desirable. Every guy 25 or 65 or anywhere in-between and beyond comes in a package. Everyone shines here and there and everyone has his own (often excess) baggage. Be objective. Understand first, what's in your package (no pun intended) and work tirelessly to make sure that you, your appearance, your lifestyle, etc., are as appealing as these can possibly be. Nothing is more powerful than a true assessment of your own situation. Success begins at home.

#4 Take it easy on the Big Gay Thing out there. Sure, you are gay. Little is achieved by advertising it too openly. A guy, who finds you interesting will put out his feelers one way or the other. A dude who simply does not want you for whatever his reason may be, will not get into your pants, just because your are wearing your sexuality on your sleeve at all the times.

#5 Embrace the adage that you can bring the horse to the water but that you cannot make him drink...

KD

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Wow! Thanks for all this advice. Especially point number 1 is something I really need to work on. Dare I make it my New Year's resolution?

I have a partner, half my age, and it has definitely been of the sugar daddy variety. Generally we get along well and much of what you say, seems true for us. Sometime over the last year he told me I reminded him of his father (deceased) and it freaked me out. I have zero interest in seeing myself in that way with him. Partner, yes. Equal, yes. Daddy, no fucking way. But I suppose it may be unavoidable since I am, after all, literally old enough to be his father.

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I always accept the fact no one is 100% perfect. I will turn big 40 next year and I have fair share of rejection as well as some over the top sexual experience. Like one of the guys said, Take care yourself and make yourself as attractive as you can be both in the inside and out. Gays are extremely fixated on type and we should accept that as part of human sexuality. If you need one less wrinkle, bigger/smaller body, large dick, more fashion conscience (15% improvement max)..go ahead and do so to make you feel better..Happier people=More sexual encounters..

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i had friends who held an over the hill party when i turned 21! and i'm the generation that grew up thinking that one should never trust anyone over 30. so aging has been a concern long before i hit my 50s.

typically i have been most attreacted to men around my age and always have been. but i find that i get more excited responses from some young guys than guys my age.

i've dated two guys half my age or more. in neither case was i a sugar daddy. with the first guy i was never his physical ideal and after three good years we split amicably and he started dating the big dick big belly top he always fantasized about. with the second guy i ended up moving 1000s of miles away. nonetheless i remain on good terms with both and treasure their friendships.

when i was young and living in nyc in pre-hiv days i would sometimes fool around with an old guy thinking someday you will be old too. thus far i do ok. maybe its the good karma i earned then. lol

staying fit does help. i also find that younger guys prefer me to be my age rather than pretending to be a 56 yr old 25 year old.

getting old is not for sissies. one can just stay home and sulk like some of my friends or go out an look for companionship.

i never pressure young guys because i recall that when i was their age i would never have looked at a man my age. when i find some one i indicate my interest and then move on. if they respond great. if not well i'm already looking for the next man i meet.

recently i met an RAF helicopter pilot in a sauna in manchester UK. it was just a one-day thing but it had the emotional intensity and great sex of a love affair. an event to be treasured.

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I do exactly the same.

Indeed, I still remember the guys, who had a very great difficulty in understanding the meaning of a simple 'NO'. I still think that this is just about the worst thing you can possibly do, when it comes to cruising.

Besides, the dudes going around and begging for sex are just not my thing. I fully understand that it is, by no means, easy to be an older dude in an environment that exclusively worships the youth. Yet, a dude lacking the most basic sense of self-respect is totally unappealing in my eyes.

KD

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It isn't easy, as you say, being an older guy in a world that places more value on youth, but I've never met an older guy who would volunteer to be young again. Younger type body, yes, for some, but not younger mind, experience, problems.

When I was younger, I swore two things for myself when I grew older:

1. never dress like I'm a young guy when I'm no longer young;
2. remember how I hated those very pushy older guys who just seemed to have concluded they had nothing to loose so why not be very assertive. No really should be respected.

By the way, I turned 50 yesterday so I'm now officially an old man!

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Keith -

I agree with you on the ***PUSHY*** older guys...

But some of the younger guys need to think about the fact that someday we will all be older!

Some of the posts where the guys complain about the fact that older guys or fatter guys or hairy guys or guys go to the dirty bookstore looking for sex and isn't that awful that they go there - well hell we all get older and one day that may be any of us!

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There's really no point to being depressed about getting older - that's not to say you might not feel it. Everyone ages and the alternative is not to be dead, but just to get on with it and say to hell with those that look at you as though you should be wearing a shroud.

Being gay or bisexual or just liking sex with men is difficult enough in itself with some of the attitudes you get faced with. I know that youth and beauty seem to be valued like golddust in the gay world. I'm three years behind you and my partner is 17 years older than I am. Years ago we went into quite a well known gay bar in London's Soho. It was like walking into a saloon in an old western where everyone looks at you and then turns their heads but puts thier hands on their holsters. It was so bad that the barstaff even pretended not to notice us. We left and never went back, and the way I look at it is that they lost out on us paying for a couple of glasses of overpriced beer and never got a tip either, which they'd probably have needed to put towards another pair of Calvins (and since Klein means small in German I don't know why anyone wants to advertise it!)

If you're into younger looking guys then that's fine. Personally age and beauty are not things that matter to me. If a guy's into you you'll know. If not, like buses, there'll be another one along in a minute. That sounds far too callous - sorry. I do agree with taking care of yourself and not trying to look like you're 20 when you're not, and not pretending online that you need to check in your genitals as hold luggage when you fly. Pushy gay men at any age are a bit of a pain. I've always been a bit of a 'more the merrier' type, but some aren't and there's nothing worse than having to fend of unwanted attention when you're concentrating elsewhere.

I saw from your blog that you asked us all to listen to the dear departed Eartha. If it's not too homo, I'd say listen to Dorothy Loudon singing 'In Just No Time At All' - the best line of which is 'I have a secret I never have told/Maybe you'll understand why/I believe if I refuse to grow old/I can stay young till I die. Now I've known the fears of 66 years/I've had troubles and tears by the score/But the only thing I'd trade them for is 67 more'.

OK, that is a bit ubergay, but I really don't like the fact that people limit what they want to such a narrow age range. They do suggest that by 35 you're practically not worth the bother, but as I put in another post, what they're not realising is that you know what the equipment's for and how to use it. So be proud of being 50 and go with it. Leave the medallion and chest hair wig at home, enjoy your younger lover and relish every minute of whatever comes your way (so to speak!). I live in the UK, but was recently on holiday in New York, had a dreadful accident, which resulted in me being in a coma for five weeks and practically having to learn how to walk again. It was just a slip, but I fell down a huge flight of stairs. You never know what's next in this life, so don't waste a second.

Steve

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Oh, I love ubergay! Glad you've recovered from your NYC slip. And now I must go and look for Dorothy Loudon.

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Thanks Keith.

I'm doing absolutely fine. Don't know if you're serious about Dorothy Loudon, but in case you are, the track is on the Stephen Schwartz album, not one of her own.

For another slightly ubergay moment, I remember seeing Eartha in Follies in London - must be quite a few years ago now. She sang 'I'm Still Here' and she actually stopped the show. We don't tend to do that in England - we applaud well but politely. I don't know if it was her performance, the song or what, but the whole audience gave her a standing ovation.

See, getting older doesn't mean giving up!

Steve

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You can't make the young ones realize they'll be old... it goes with the territory that you'll be young forever. Unless you yourself have been with a much older man and have learned how they can share their experience to dole out the sensuality and to experience a quasi-tantric, lengthy, mellow orgasm together, in which case maybe you can find a way. But don't count on it. There are guys who begin to feel invisible at 20, others at 25 or 30. And then there are guys who at 75 or 80 have a line at their door. I used to see an MIT grad student at the baths in Boston years ago, and we chatted occasionally. His fetish was getting fucked by a line of older men - in his case, many of them were elderly. He loved how excited they got, and he found it more exciting for him than just getting poked by someone his own age. It satisfied his needs, and God knows he satisfied the needs of dozens of older men.

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I am involved in 2 relationships right now.Just turned 50, and my hormones are crazy.First guy been with over 4 years. Love him,but no passion.
Second guy been with a month. Wow. Sex is awesome.Not sure about the love part yet. Do I stay with number one, or try to make a future with 2.Right now juggling both, and feel pretty guilty.They are both 53

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not sure this is an aging question. i had a similar situation a long time ago. i went with the hot sex then and might very well do the same today. but when i think in retrospect, i might have had a happier life making the less hot choice. well try not to screw it up with both of them. does ith ave to be one or the other? why not both? i think it takes at least three months to see if there is more than hormones to sustain things.

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It's a little off-topic, but sometimes a view into another culture can show you something about your own. I have a very light complexion, and when I was stationed in the Middle East, even though for part of the time I wasn't in the greatest shape - lots of enforced sitting time at work, no opportunity for exercise, sometimes for months - my light skin was a huge turnon to some local guys. Some 18-year-old Adonis who in the US wouldn't have looked at me in my 30s, or even in my 20s, would be all over me, wanting to suck, to get fucked, to touch... for the few months that the situation lasted, it was like paradise. I'm happy to be back in better shape, but I did like the unexpected stretch of attention. Also, there's an easygoing all-male culture to the Turkish bath culture that's very sexy. Radical Islam is rooting it out, which has happened a number of times in Islamic history, but guys who like cock always bring it back eventually, as do some of the radicals who discover that they like cock. There is medieval Islamic boy-love poetry that would be considered obscene in any state of the US, yet it is a part of their classical culture over there, even if it's currently out of vogue. Years ago, there was an active bathhouse culture all over the Arab world and in Israel; the Israeli scene has moved over to American or European -style "gay saunas" where it's all about the young and beautiful. The old Turkish bath scene was one of the few places where people of all different cultures met and had direct contact. It was as if the political differences disappeared with the clothing when everyone walked around naked, young soldiers, young students, middle-aged guys, and old men. And some would have sex, crossing lines that our culture doesn't countenance crossing.

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