Going back to the earliest days of this Message Board there's been a lot of discussion about "safe sex" and "danger" and other words and phrases associated with HIV/AIDS and other STDs. These are serious concerns and they rightfully need assessment for your sex life.

Things have changed over the years, of course, with new treatments, PrEP, and the increased number of HIV+ people over age 50 facing special issues with aging, comorbidities, and so on.

Keeping that in mind, I want to share with you an article that was in The Atlantic a few days ago, People Are Terrified of Sex.

For me, it illustrates some points I've believed in all of my adult life, and I should add that I'm 54 and came out just as HIV/AIDS was beginning to hit gay men. It's always been present in the background or foreground for me. Even though I am HIV-, my partner is a long-term HIV survivor who is increasingly and profoundly disabled from various conditions associated with HIV from the early 80s as well as life-long Type 1 diabetes.

Having said that, my view is that most people simply don't have a clue about actual risk assessment and risk management. I wont pontificate further, instead give you the first few paragraphs of the article.

There is so much more in this article, including quotes and assessment from the psychologist who led the study, a section about how study participants assessed other diseases - chlamydia and swine flu - and discussion of the larger issue of stigma.

It's not an overly long read and it's well worth the time. I encourage you to take a couple minutes to read the piece, pause and think about it, then come back and share your thoughts here.

~ Bob

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Indeed, the issue of unprotected (bb) vs. sex with condoms used to be one of those major points of debate on these boards in their time and day.

I find the risk comparison quoted above rather misleading, too. Whereas the numerical information showing the risk probability may be wrong, the comparison is flawed per se.

See, I have got to work, earn my income and live my life. At times, I have to fly, drive, take trains, and eat in Paris restaurants, too, which we now know can be deadly, too. Short of committing a suicide, I really have no other choice but to expose myself to a number of possibly lethal risks inherent to daily living in order to both survive and live a reasonably fulfilled and satisfying life.

Yet, I can consciously choose NOT to smoke, and thus statistically reduce the health risks associated with cigarette smoke. I can also choose to use condom, and reduce (NOT eliminate) the risk of HIV transmission, etc..

Speaking for myself alone, I consciously choose to do everything I can do within the reason to reduce the risks involved with my daily living more as a matter of personal attitude than as a result of rational and numerical analysis of the probabilities involved. I believe in doing my best and utmost within the reason, and leaving the rest that I cannot affect to their own devices.

I also fully understand that many people choose to smoke, have unprotected sex and that they are NOT keen on doing what is within their power to minimize the risks affecting their lives. I fully agree that they are independent human beings, living their own lives, and hence, having every right to call their shots as they find appropriate. Naturally, I reserve the very same right for myself.

KD

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When reading posts on this and other websites it is the "within reason" that I find so interesting because it varies so much from person to person.

You see posts from people that will still bareback with guys they just met as long as he says he has been tested....

You also see posts from guys that will not suck a cock without a condom...

It is the finding the balance between safety and still having fun -

I was in college when AIDS began being public knowledge - and it scared the hell out of me. At a time when I thought I would be fooling around non-stop I pretty much shut down except when back home with a few guys I had known for years and felt safe with.

You have to remember when AIDS first hit the news it was "gay sex causes AIDS" - at first they did not even talk about condoms or anal sex - it was just gay sex that was the culprit.

I missed out on a lot of fun - and it probably helped cement the closet door shut for me - but basically I considered no risk to be "within reason".

These days I am more relaxed but still cautious.

But I see posts from some younger people that are gay and out - but yet have never had sex at all -and I worry for them about their threshold of "within reason" and all they are missing out on.

In this world we live in today there is risk in everything - it is balancing the risk with having a life that is such a challenge.

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The other wording for doing precisely what you described above is 'doing the things within the reason', isn't it?

Sure, we are all different people, and hence, define 'reasonable' in vastly disparate ways. So, the wording, i.e. usage tends to fall an easy victim to the relativistic nature of such definitions.

IMHO, this is where one's personal integrity enters the stage.

See, I have a few rental properties here that I am renting to the tenants. Would I rent to someone just because he promises that he would be paying rent on time? Nope. I would want all the background checks, security deposits, contracts, etc. I would want a degree of security because I honestly intend to protect my investment here. Yet, we are talking about something that is replaceable, and really does not have any major impact on the quality of my life.

Now, I am going to turn around and have BB sex with someone who says that he is 'clean'. I mean, he promises to be 'clean', rite?

Nope. My own sense of integrity tells me where the usual 'pragmatic' approach does not really work. I cannot be possibly trusting one guy with my life in exchange for his word, and sending another dude on a mile long footwork over a relatively minor issue, can I?

Living by your own word, and being honest to yourself about the nature of your actions is not only laudable because it serves the others. It serves the subject first and foremost.

So, speaking for myself, I have little problems in establishing what I see as being 'within the reason'. I am happy to share my thoughts with those who would like to hear my argumentation, too.

Naturally, every dude out there is free to call his shots as he finds fit. Should he be facing the possibly dire consequences of his decisions, well, we will all tell him that this comes with the territory.

KD

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Speaking only for me, these days I have so little free time. Either I'm working as a caregiver or working on work or working with our pets and household needs. I'm preoccupied and (not to whine, I'm grateful for many things) I don't have the energy, emotion, or time to play anymore, not sexually or otherwise.

From the beginning of being sexually active years ago I always assumed any guy I was with had a good chance of being positive, regardless of what they said or didn't say. This is still true, and the men I'm most attracted to are close to my age. Many are long-term HIV survivors. Although I'm HIV-, many men that I know or would be likely to meet make the same assumption I do. It often goes unsaid, each of us having made it this far knowing we are responsible for our own choices.

If my personal circumstances were different, I would ask my doctor to prescribe Truvada for me and then I'd go out and play. For me, today at least, that's unneeded. PrEP gives us new risk management options. For me, that would be a good choice. I take my meds - even the osteoporosis one! - and do what I know I must do.

Clearly people with different life circumstances may have different habits, make different choices, or fail to follow through on the choices they intend.

I don't tell people what to do, simply urge them to educate themselves and decide, with honesty and self-assessment, to make choices that will work for them and be respectful and thoughtful toward others. I also know that each of us must be prepared for the possibility that the other guy or guys don't do this, or that their actions - chosen or by circumstance - aren't the same as mine.

All for now. I write too much, must move on to other things.

~ Bob

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This is where Bob and I behaved in precisely the same manner, without necessarily starting from the very same premise.

Unlike Bob, in those days, I used to believe that many/most(?) of the guys I was meeting for sex among the members of my college coterie were actually HIV negative guys. A few of them used to be virgins to anything sexual when I met them, and a few others hardly had any experience worth mentioning. Well, as we all know, of all the problems in this world, virginity and the lack of sexual experience are probably the easiest and by far, the most pleasant ones to solve.

But there was a nasty outbreak of Hepatitis C out there, AND I had made a very conscious decision to have sex with condoms ONLY. It was one of those things, that I refused to think/debate about. Condoms have been a non-negotiable for me in all these years.

Again, I can only speak for myself, and am very much aware of the fact that other guys may have made a very different experience. But I have never had any problems using condoms, and practically all of the guys I have been having sex with agreed to the condom use without anything ado. You fucked with condom and lube. Full stop. And you moved on without spending any time thinking about what really happened last night. That peace of mind has always been priceless in my books. And still is, to this day.

I always saw m2m sex as pure, recreational fun.

Two guys mess around, get their rocks off, and move on. If the experience was worth repeating, they'll probably do so. The sun rises in the east, we go to work/school, and still have to pay our bills, put food on the kitchen table, etc.

Call me spoiled, or whatever, but the very idea that the m2m sex should have ANY consequences for the players involved just does not sit well with me. So, I fucked the dude. (Wow!) Now, I have got to go, make doc appointments, take batteries of tests, start taking meds, pay the bills associated with all of the above? Definitely not my cupper... But I fully understand and accept the fact that other guys may hold a vastly different opinion here.

KD

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