I want to know if anyone out there has found a way to signal to others, in a similar manner to the hanky code, whether or not you play bare or safe. In particular in bathhouses.

Here in Chicago when I've gone to the steamworks I've been a bit disappointed with the numbers of people having BB sex as opposed to safe. I only play safe, I'm neg and intend to stay that way. The last time I went, I was making out with this guy, we went back to his room and had some more fun. When it came time to fuck him I asked if he had a condom to which he replied he was only into BB. We ended up not fucking, and I left.

I hardly consider walking up to someone in the bathhouse and asking do you BB or play safe to be very sexy. Right now that seems to be the only way to signal. Does anyone have any better way to determine whether someone plays safe in this type of place?

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Montrose & Clarendon in Chicago

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There's no signal or code that I've ever heard of to indicate safe sex or unprotected sex, at least not one which is commonly implemented by many guys. Even the hanky code has kind of faded away, possibly because it started getting far too complex. If such a code exists, I'll lay odds that Corey has a link which discusses it!

Regardless, in a place such as a bathhouse where everyone is walking around naked or in a towel, it would certainly be difficult to include some sort of signal when you have no clothing, no pockets, no possessions except maybe a room key, etc.

Starting new trends seems to be challenging, too. Getting the word out isn't easy, and having men adopt any given suggestion is bound to meet with resistance (for whatever reasons).

It's been many years since I've been to the tubs, but there WAS one common signal I have seen repeated many times by bottoms wanting safe sex. These guys would lay on their cots, ass up, and place a condom either between their spread legs or on the small of their back or directly on their ass. There's no mistaking this: "put the condom on and fuck me." Good for them, I say.

But you're right: lots of bareback going on out there. For top guys who want to play safe, I'd simply suggest always carrying a condom with you. In a bathhouse, you can always just show it to a prospective bottom and see if he's still receptive when he notices it.

And of course, good old communication is fine, too. While I prefer MOST cruising situations to be more or less discussion free and chatterless, it is still acceptable to say a few words and make sure that both guys are on the same page.

For online cruising, I just make sure that I use the statement: "Safe Sex Only" in my profiles and/or make sure I communicate those words directly.

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When the hanky code was devised back in the 70s, bare sex / safe sex - there was no difference. But barebackers do seem to have their own: dark (navy) blue with white dots.

The navy blue of course represents anal sex (top if you were it on the left) and then the white dots represent the semen. Pretty clever @ least

(You think I have way too much time on my hands don't you now that I know this?)

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Corey

Not as innocent as one might think

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Never heard of a bare/safe code, but a while back i suggeted indicating a top/bottom code. Along the lines of the hanky code, if you were a top, you SHOULD wear your key on your left, if your a bottom, you SHOULD wear your key on your right. IF you wanted to take it a step further, if you were into oral, wear the key around your arm, and for anal, wear the key around your calf.

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Like to find a regular daytime buddy for casual no string encounters! 5'7", 175#, blk hair, brown eyes, nice tan complx mod. hairy. iso TOP's. Like'em OLDER and experienced (TAKE CONTROL type, 37-50's). Make me WANT to be on the bottom!! Love being NAKED, wearing JOCKS, and love POPPERS. Also toys (A-play), and vidoes. Very open minded, and willing to try almost anything once. Roleplaying, make me your bed toy!!!

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I'm originally from Chicago and have been back to Steamworks a few times sinice I left town and I've never had a problem with guys that wanted to bareback. I'm mostly a bottom and I've done the "condoms on my ass" thing. No one has ever complained.

I'm not surprised, though, at the barebacking thing. I don't understand it at a bathhouse but it doesn't surprise me.

Edited to add: Though I've done the condoms on my ass thing at Steamworks and not had a problem, I don't know how many guys have walked past my open door, saw the condoms and thought, "Ew!"

I'll have to see what happens when I'm back in Chicago next month and visit Steamworks again.

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The last time I was at Steamworks, they provided condoms in every area of the club, so having access to them shouldn't be a problem ( unless you truly need those Magnums). You can alsways do what I do when there, grab a freebie condom and stick it under the elastic strap on my key, which is usually around my bicep or calf. That way its always handy. I have even seen guys carry their bottle of poppers the same way. I guess it keeps both hands free for better groping in the maze.
I'll have to try out the suggestion of left/right, arm or ankle when I'm there this weekend.

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I've always assumed that the condom worn under the key strap as chidog1962 discribed meant the wearer played safe. Am I being too optomistic?

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Before Stonewall, there was a secret 'knock' code for entrance into clubs that catered exclusively to homosexual males. This was a borrowed 'knock' code from the Spreakeasy days of Prohibition. After Stonewall and predominately all throughout the 70's, the "Hanky Code' was devised where male homosexuals and some bisexuals could communicate (non-verbal) with and between themselves. At first, the 'Hanky Code' was as simple as learning your ABC's -- basic colors and which back pocket communicated much about the wearer of the colored hanky. This too went by the wayside in the middle 80's and up to the present. And then there was the 'Bear Code' which was devised for the gay/bisexual Bear and Cub subculture which appeared in the late 80's and early 90's up to the present time. All of these 'codes' were indicia of a secretive society undergoing a transformation process in a subculture experiencing the undercurrents of social and political change. These undercurrents of change began in the early 60's and gained momentum in the late 60's and early 70's.

After Stonewall, there was no need for a secret 'knock code' to gain entrance into clubs'/bars that catered almost exclusively to homosexuals. As part of the 'Sexual Revolution', the gay experience was a new openness as more and more homosexual males came out of the closet about their sexuality. The hanky code was devised as part of that very same gay experience because coming out of the closet did not mean that homosexual males had been legally liberated from state-sanctioned oppression. We should remember that in 1960, every U.S. State and Territory had criminal sodomy statutes that effectively and legally criminalized the very existence of our homosexual orientation and, most importantly, our homosexual identities. We were Sexual Outlaws up until the last Supreme Court sodomy ruling.

As Sexual Outlaws, we had a very real and legitimate need to be secretive about our identities and what we were about. The undercurrents of social and political change over the past 35 years have brought about changes in how we communicate with and between ourselves. So now, as we enter a new century and face new challenges, some people have found it necessary to devise another 'code' to nonverbally communicate with and between each other about 'safe and unsafe' sex as it relates to STD's including HIV and AIDS.

We know and understand that there is this subculture of men who are predisposed to having unsafe sex. In the extreme, this subculture is known as 'Bug Chasers and Givers'. The Gay Community as we know and understand it today tolerates the existence of this subculture. And then we have the rest of the men who just have unsafe sex because they are either ignorant of the facts or lack the self-discipline to modify their sexual behaviors to remain safe and healthy.

It's 2004 and soon to be 2005. Why is there a need to nonverbally communicate something in code about ourselves such as 'safe or unsafe' sex? Instead of devising another secretive code about ourselves, we need more open lines of communication and candor with and between ourselves.

I'm probably speaking to the choir about this, but my deepest concerns are about those who feel there is a need to devise a code to effectively and safely communicate something about ourselves when we ought to be relying upon open lines of communication and candor.

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Those who deny freedom to others deserve it not for themselves. And, under a just God, cannot long retain it.

-- Abraham Lincoln

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I have wondered about this myself. I (a lot of times) will not hook up with someone online when they cannot answer simple questions like this. They know what they like - why can't they type it. I will give someone a little leeway if it is over the phone, but I know what I like, and I am not afraid to say it, type it, do it.

Sex is still taboo to a lot of people. Personally, I do not see this changing too soon. It is a private matter to most people. And it seems that a lot like to keep it private

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Corey

Not as innocent as one might think

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I guess it would be nice to have a universal signal for "safe only." I can also see that playing with a guy, only to discover he wants to do something you don't want to do is a slight waste of time, but what's a few minutes? So you suck each other for a few minutes and you don't get to fuck him: Big Deal. You're in a bathhouse. Finding another like-minded bottom shouldn't be a problem. Plus, the guy whose original question we're answering said that he and this bb bottom made out and "had some more fun" before the bb issue got revealed. Just remember the fun you had and move on.

There are plenty of things besides barebacking that I've found out guys are into at the baths after playing with them for a few minutes that I'm not into: verbal abuse, foot worship, and more. There are no convenient signals for these either. You just say no thanks and move on.

I've run into very few guys at Steamworks who said they'd only let me fuck them bare. More commonplace, but still not amounting to a large number, have been guys who try to wordlessly guide my dick into their ass without a condom, but who have no objection when I say: "I need a condom first." Sometimes, it turns out, they just want their hole teased and have every intention of using a condom for actual penetration. I prefer to make my position clear, however.

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When you consider that most bareback (condomless) fucking takes place behind closed doors at a Gay Bathhouse/Sauna, you begin to understand the risk environment that promotes unsafe sex between two people. Most of the sexual encounters at a Gay Bathhouse/Sauna are one-on-one or several (multiple) one-on-one encounters in the course of a visit. These encounters are typically anonymous. Young males, particularly those in the 18 to 25 year old age group, are particularly vulnerable to having unsafe sexual encounters because of their age peer group, sexual fitness level, and their self-assessment of overall health and physical fitness.

When a newly minted 18yo male makes his first visit to a Gay Bathhouse/Sauna, his youth sharply focuses the attention of other males in attendance. He is not only valued for his youth, he is also valued for his youthful sexual vigor and stamina. There are no illusions in a Gay Bathhouse/Sauna despite the poor or dim lighting conditions. For the newly minted 18yo making his first of many such forays into the world of the Gay Bathhouse/Sauna, he quickly learns who the hunters are and which game they are after. Not only are they valued for their youth, sexual vigor and stamina, they are also valued for their lack of practical experience. Such sexual novices are easy prey for the more skilled and seasoned veterans in this sexual play arena. This is a target-rich environment and most everyone knows and understands it. For the sexual novice in this target-rich environment, the opportunities for having unsafe sexual encounters are risk multipliers times the known risk factors.

Because most bareback fucking takes place behind closed doors, understanding the risk enviroment becomes paramount in managing a person's risk factors. For the inexperienced sexual novice, it is his lack of understanding of the risk environment that makes him most vulnerable to having unsafe sex as a practical matter. No matter how sexually active a newly minted 18yo might have been in his protected status as a minor youth, it really is a different environment once he begins his foray into the world of Gay Bathhouses and Saunas.

Secret codes? Universal signals? Why not just tatoo your ass with the words "Open for Business" on the left buttock and "No Condoms Allowed" on the right buttock.

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Those who deny freedom to others deserve it not for themselves. And, under a just God, cannot long retain it.

-- Abraham Lincoln

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Most bathouses and saunas have a public area where group play happens. There is a lot BB fucking going on there too. So, it is not always behind closed doors in the one-on-one scene that this will happen. It is easy to get "caught up" in the sexual frenzy and want to fuck whether or not you are prepared.

Bare Backing is a choice, just like having sex is a choice. As noted in a previous response, the only safe sex is no sex. We each take a risk in having sex in any form. Some choose to increase the risk by going unprotected. Each person must make that choice each and every time they engage in any type of sex. Whether this means you will suck only or only go as far as touching and hand jobs, or will go all the way and take semen into your rectum, that is choice you must live with.

I have not always been safe, but prefer safe play. Hot sex can leave you in a drunken stupor, where you made decisions that leave you worried for months or years.

As far as a code goes, it is easy to give signals. Placing a condom under your key band, or carrying it conspicuously always works. It used to be that piece of latex cut to the size of a hanky and placed in the appropriate pocket was the signal at the bars. Now if you are traveling around naked your options are limited. If you are wearing a towel, you can always pin a condom on to the edge of the towel so it noticeable. There were a few guys that did this when I used to visit the bath house in San Jose. Everyone knew what it meant. It meant they expected some safe and hot fucking to be happening.

I am sure you can devise something that will work for you so your intentions will be known. Good luck and being safe is something to be proud of.

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Whenever someone says they prefer to play safe and admits they have not or do not always play safe, I am reminded again that intent does not equate to safe practices. A person may intend to win a state lottery, but winning the lottery is left to chance. Whether you bareback fuck behind closed doors or you engage in a group bareback fuck in a public area, the odds of contracting STDs and HIV are exponential because the practice of safe sex is left to chance or happenstance.

No matter how many times you play the lottery game and how many tickets you purchase, it only takes one chance out of millions to win the jackpot. When it comes to staying safe, it only takes one unsafe barebacking encounter to eventually lose your life. The odds for living are far greater than the odds for losing a life. For some people, playing safe is left to chance or happenstance despite our intent to change the odds against us. We either get busy living or we get busy dying. That too is another choice for the consequences do mean the difference between life and death.

And since we all are going to die someday, my own choice or preference is to stay busy living and not hasten the inevitable.

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Those who deny freedom to others deserve it not for themselves. And, under a just God, cannot long retain it.

-- Abraham Lincoln

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Maybe it's just me, but it seems that we are over-analyzing certain aspects of all this. Then again, over-analyzing is something I'm often guilty of myself, so what do I know?

1) Education is our best defense, coupled with teaching by example and standing true to our own safe sex standards. By not having unsafe sex, we do not become carriers of disease ourselves. By teaching gay youth and gay adults, we spread the necessary scientific knowledge that can help others make the best possible choice. By being a living example, refusing unsafe sex when it is offered to us, we may, at the very least, spark some thought -- the more of us who say NO, the more more rejections barebackers get, maybe... just maybe... at least a few of them will wonder why they are getting nothing.

2) There is nothing wrong with using a code or signal if we happen to devise something that says what we feel is necessary to say and gets our point across without verbal communication for times when we are in cruising situations where fewer words are the rule of the day. This should NOT EVER be required or necessary: if we do NOT have a condom held in place underneath our key band on our arm, this does NOT mean we are giving the OPPOSITE signal that unsafe sex is acceptable to us. It just means we'll have to SAY SO, and that is nothing more than a personal choice: say it or show it. As long as the end result is the same... it's cool either way.

3) Not everyone wants to fuck a kid and not everyone finds their prowess or sexual "innocence" appealing. I sure don't.

4) Men who go to bathhouses also go to bookstores, bars, parks, beaches, chat rooms, etc. No place is safe, though a strong argument can easily be made for relative potential risk at one given place over another. Yet the fact remains: it doesn't matter as much if each of us stick to our own personal plan for safer sex at ALL TIMES. Unless we get raped, we are always in control of our own decisions.

5) Even though it's a shame that sometimes guys who strive for safe sex don't always follow through, it's been my own experience that if someone makes a mistake and gets caught up in a moment, he USUALLY regrets it to such an extreme extent that the months of worrying which come after the fact tend to strengthen his resolve in future situations. In other words, he is probably less likely to make the same mistake twice. It may be wise to forgive these transgressions and work together to make sure they don't happen again. Yes, just ONE mistake can be deadly, and that's very sad and very frightening. However, from the day we are born, all humans generally learn most swiftly by making mistakes and seeing firsthand the consequences of those errors. There are obvious exceptions to this, of course, but thankfully most of us DO come away with MORE knowledge after we fuck up.

When a person is on a diet and needs to lose some weight, if they have a failure of personal will-power and gorge on an entire box of Hostess Cupcakes one evening, they often feel so despondent that they will give up completely and decide they simply CANNOT do what they had set out to do. The best thing is not to beat yourself senseless when you make a huge mistake. The best thing to do is start fresh again the next day.

I'm not suggesting we "forgive and forget" everyone who barebacks on a regular basis; we need to make a more powerful stand against this behavior. I AM suggesting that a mistake be tempered with MORE education and a little bit of encouragement to stay the course.

I don't think anyone who wants safe sex and shows it with a signal of some sort would be very likely to forget about their own code of conduct if someone else doesn't understand the signal. They just need to explain it in clearer terms if necessary.

And frankly, if more and more guys started using a certain sign, it would become well-known rather quickly, though I admit that starting a trend isn't an easy thing to accomplish.

Meanwhile, we just need to open our mouths more freely and do the exact opposite with our asses!

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Hey guys,
I always play safe.....and never find it hard to just open my mouth and say..."Thanks, but I only play safe". If they don't like that, they can just move on. No codes needed...

Hope everyone is doing well,
Ed

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