Hey.

I caught my bf fooling around today. Today was our one-year anniversary. This was "the one". I could just die.

Not looking for advice, I guess ... it's just that I have no shoulder to cry on.

damn.

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Cyber-shoulders aren't as good as the real thing, but I'll offer what I can! At least you found out after a year that he's not "The One" rather than after 10. I know- not very helpful! In any case, get mad if you want to, cry if you need to, and be good to yourself for a while. You know, Ben & Jerry's is not just for girls- Enjoy some Chunky Monkey until the next Hunky Monkey comes along!

It'll be rough for a while, but it will get better! Hang in there!

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You've been a CFS member for over two years; your profile lists your "relationship status" as "cheating;" and you've logged 15 different posts. What's your agenda with the fairy tale about catching your boyfriend "fooling around today?"

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Do your research, little man.

Actually, under different handles, I have been a member of CFS for much longer than 2 years, and have posted many, many more than 15 posts. Many of them looking for hookups.

But not in the last year. Since I met "him" my posts have been advice-only. My relationship status? Gosh, I had better change that 'cause I forgot that everything here has to be up-to-date and accurate.

Thanks.

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Can you forgive him or is this the end for you? Would you consider an open relationship or do you demand fidelity? Are you having sexual problems with him that could be fixed? Are there are other relationship problems that may have helped lead to his cheating? Did you truly expect a GAY MAN to be faithful for life? To be honest, ALMOST all the gay "married" guys I've met who have lasted more than ten years have an open relationship -- or an unspoken agreement that cheating is something they will overlook in order to remain together.

Where is he now? Did you live together or did you each have your own place? Are you two talking? Do you WANT to talk it over? Does he claim to be involved with this other guy, or was it "just" a sexual thing?

Clearly, the choice is yours: stay and see if you can work it out, or leave and start again.

Though you don't really want advice, at times like these hearing advice can often be more helpful than just hearing words of consolation... but you'd need to provide more details and answer some of the questions above to get some decent advice here. If you feel like doing that -- go ahead. If not... best of luck to you. It may seem like small solace right now, but it IS true: at least you didn't spend ten years with the dude before finding out he doesn't want to be faithful. It IS easier to recovery from a shorter relationship than a long-term one.

Good luck.

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Thanks, you've given me a lot to think about. Just asking the questions puts me in a position to look more objectively ... and I know that long-term fidelity is pretty much a pipe-dream ... and I understand that.

It's just the shock, you know?

I've (we've) always said that we'd work through whatever happened as long as there was honesty involved ... it would have been so much easier if he hadn't been 'caught'.

But I don't expect perfection. I'll treat him as I'd want to be treated, and as I always promised him that I would.

It's just hard.

I now understand the people who put in their ads that they won't fool around with anyone who is married (legally or otherwise) ... they must've been hurt along the way themselves. It kinda' changes your outlook.

Thanks for your consideration.

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Sorry to hear you are dealing with disappointment and hurt of this kind. It is even worse when you feel you are having to face it alone.

Keep talking to us. Let us know how it is going. You will get through this. It just sucks to have to slog through it though.

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Well, dude... I could sit here and type out all the gory details of how my ex dumped me, but that wouldn't accomplish all that much. Suffice to say, even though it is tough to deal with at present, it really makes a big difference that you didn't have to wait fourteen years and believe in something that never really was before you found out that you were being fooled...

It's a big blow to the ego (and the heart) to discover something like this. Even though us guys KNOW what pigs we all are, and even though we may expect infidelity sooner or later... that doesn't change the hurt we feel when it happens. Like you said, too -- him being CAUGHT makes it even worse. You had NO CLUE that this shit was going on -- and then you start to think of the conversations you two had, the things you did together, the sex -- and you cannot help but wonder about the nature of the obvious LIES he had to have been telling you. YOU were feeling in love (or whatever) and enjoying your time with him -- and he's sneaking around fucking someone else. Can't escape that reality -- and it really, really sucks. Sorry.

About the only solace is that you are certainly not alone. Hell, very few marriages, gay or straight, last for long these days. Lots of folks out there are suffering and have to learn how to move on with their lives.

You didn't say what you want to do right now, if you are going to give it another try or whatever, and you didn't answer my questions, but that's cool -- I don't expect you to. It's OK to keep things private if you want.

Whatever your decision is, or whatever you want to do now or in the future, there is one good bit of advice that is generically helpful to all who have to deal with relationship issues: put the focus on YOURSELF.

Whether you stay with him or not -- make sure that your life now becomes all about YOU. This doesn't mean you have to start being rotten to other people -- it just means that you need to keep in mind all the good things about YOU. Build those up. Learn from the experience. Cry and grieve if you need to -- but don't let the events of his infidelity ever WIN.

At any rate, it worked for me.

Well, that and having a lot of sex once I was "free." That's all typical, though -- lots of guys go out and GET OFF and act like pigs after they've been dumped. OK, SOME sit home and cry and vow never to get an erection again, but... I personally found that the recovery process was hastened by lots of hot sex!

Good luck, dude.

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Well, after a long weekend of thinking and talking, We're still plugging along.

You're right, it caused me to question everything that was said/done, etc. But here is what I did, and here is where we stand.

I made the choice to forgive, and I make the choice to forget. I have seen relationships before where one person was cheating, and I know that it didn't really indicate a long-term, non-fixable problem with the relationship ... so having caught him cheating, in and of itself, isn't a good reason to split. Now, if you can't RECOVER from the situation ... if you can't talk about it, if you can't put it behind you ... THAT is a good reason to split.

But I think that we can do all of those things.

I told him that in a past relationship I had been busted cheating, and rather than come clean, I told MOST of what had been going on, but witheld the "non-essentials". That was the beginning of the end of that relationship, and I credit the breakup to my having a few secrets left in the drawer that I didn't own up to. Soooo, I gave him the opportunity to come completely clean without repercussion, and we talked and talked and talked.

We talked about big things and little things, and I really think that we'll be okay.

There is an expression that I have always liked, it applies to people who are trying to label themselves: "Being gay isn't about where you put your penis, it's about who you fall in love with". A derivation of that saying could be "Being in love isn't about where you put your penis, it's what happens afterwards".

It took me my whole life to find this connection. I'm not going to let it break easily. If that were to happen, no one would win.

Thanks, guys. Sorry to be kind of a downer ... but holding out the possibility of forgiveness precluded my talking to any of my non-virtual friends about this. Thanks again.

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Glad to hear that Bayshore. I haven't posted any advice here, but have been reading the thread.

You're right, love isn't about the fucking, it's about other things, and you know in your heart what's best. Geez...even I can get all sappy ;-)

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First, glad to hear you guys have reconciled and intend on working together to better your relationship.

I'm going to give one more bit of unsolicited advice... no surprise there.

You say you are making the choice to FORGET. Odds are good you will NOT forget. In fact, I'm sure you know this is impossible. You can IGNORE it and dismiss it and move along -- but you will NOT forget.

It's just important that you keep the distinction in mind. If you tried to force yourself to forget something that is unforgettable, you could very well end up dealing with lots of psychological issues that we need not detail at this time.

As long as you are cognizant of the reality of the situation, you CAN work through it.

Regaining trust is the most difficult part of this process -- and while it may seem that forgetting about it is the easiest way to accomplish this, all you end up accomplishing is continually trying to fool yourself -- and that feels AWFUL.

Just be realistic, take your time, and do your best.

It is STILL a good idea to put your focus on YOURSELF, too. Building up your ego in a way that gives you strength is NOT a bad thing at all (psychological definition of "ego," not the colloquial use which indicates vanity).

Good luck, dude -- glad to hear you are feeling better now.

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For those who said "let us know how it's going" ...

The relationship died. Quietly and relatively quickly, but dead nonetheless.

Cheating, of course, was a symptom, not a problem.

No response necessarily. This is just closure.

(damn)

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My condolences to you on your loss.

(I'd say more but anything else just sounds superficial, artificial and just plain b.s.)

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I'm very hardnosed about relationships. If you've been in a closed relationship for a year and you discovered he cheated on you, you need to determine if his cheating was a first and only incidence of infidelity. Your boyfriend needs to come clean with you. If he has cheated several times while in a relationship with you, he needs to tell you about "all" the times he has cheated on you so that you understand the full extent of his cheating.

Your boyfriend may have been "the one" in your eyes. Your boyfriend proved that you were not "the one" in his eyes. Move on with your life and begin looking for the "next one" who will live up to your expectations of what a committed relationship means and how fidelity fits into a relationship.

If you have a past where you cheated on someone, you know how "the other person" feels when they discovered your infidelity. I'll bet they felt the same way -- they could just die.

__________________
Those who deny freedom to others deserve it not for themselves. And, under a just God, cannot long retain it.

-- Abraham Lincoln

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BMG:
His partner cheating was a symptom of greater problems within the relationship, not the dealbreaker of the relationship. Focusing in this aspect at the expense of the rest of dynamics of the relationship is not productive and only will add to his hurt.

What he needs to examine are the larger issues that created the atmosphere where his former partner felt the need to step outside the agreed-upon parameters of their relationship. That's the soul-searching he needs to do. He also has to accept that he may never fully know why this relationhisp failed. That will take time.


And that advice is in conflict with this:
Right now he is in mourning. And he must work through that. Only when he has fully mourned this loss will he be ready to move on and again begin looking. To attempt to move on before he is really ready is to set himself up for failure again. Only he will know when the time is right.

And one of the best ways to find "Mr. Really Right" is to be the kind of person you wish to attract. Everyone can have a bad relationship, but if this is a repeat, then maybe he needs to set down with himself and examine why he perpetuates this cycle of failure.

And yes, I've been there, done that, hurt like hell, mourned, had to face up to a few unpleasant facts about myself and then moved on and tried again. I'm at almost 20 years in my current relationship, but I know it can all go south tomorrow. That's what keeps me invested in it and making sure if it does go south, it won't be because of something wrong I've done.

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