Hi guys,

I just discovered this forum today, and have *really*enjoyed reading all the past posts. Some great information on here, provided by a lot of really thoughtful, cool men I'd love to meat/meet

Here's what's up with me:

For a couple of years now, I have sort of resigned myself to the idea that unless I am on my couch or bed jacking off to videos with poppers in hand, I am not gonna cum. I'm a pretty goodlooking friendly bearcub with no lack of opportunities for sex, but I have really started turning most of them down because no matter how hard the guy tries...no one can get me off except myself (with the aforementioned porn and poppers at my disposal). And as much as still enjoy getting other guys off (which I am very good at), I do get really frustrated that I am unable to shoot for them.

This is the pattern....whatever partner I'm with will invariably cum first. Then, the ones who are cool and want to see my cum will try to help me get off too. Usually I ask them to suck my balls while I jack off, and they are almost always willing. But more than half the time, even this doesn't work, because my mind keeps straying to the fact that IT'S TIME TO CUM NOW....and GOING TO CUM, OR WHAT?...these types of very inhibiting thoughts.

I've thought about completely stopping all porn and poppers and even masturbation and not cumming at all until it happens at the hands. or mouth, of a sex partner. But this just isn't realistic. I love jacking off with porn/poppers!

I dunno, any of you wise, wonderful guys have any thoughts?

__________________
Handsome bear looking for good looking aggressive guys, whether top or bottom.

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Dude... a quick question off the subject for a minute -- do you fuck around online with a webcam? Your screen name is VERY familiar to me...



It seems to me that there might be a few things going on here.

I don't have a lot of time to write at the moment, I have to get my ass to work, so maybe we can get into details later, but...

Are you able to cum when jerking off alone without porn? How about without poppers? If the answer is no, you may need to retrain yourself.

I LOVE poppers and do use them to jerk off, sometimes with porn, sometimes not. Yet I do not always cum when I play with my dick -- I like the deprivation, but that's just me. Yet I can easily get off without either of these things.

It's just that since I DO like them and they are available, I kind of figure "why the hell NOT?"

Porn and poppers make the experience more intense. Nothing wrong with that -- UNLESS you become dependent upon them.

In my curiosity to see why your screen name is familiar to me, I glanced at your profile. It states you are HIV+.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and suggest that perhaps you are having difficulty cumming with a partner for this reason. I HAS to be on your mind, yes?

If yes, you need to make SURE your partners know this about you. Not only for the betterment of YOUR sex life, but for THEIR personal protection, obviously.

Also, you may be simply caught in a mental vicious circle. Or you may be feeling too much pressure to perform or produce.

Look, I can't STAND a guy who rushes me to cum. I am aware I take too long for some dudes, but I think a half hour minimum isn't asking for too much. I try to avoid meeting guys who are all about getting to the cum as fast as possible. I don't like being pressured to give it up, or made to feel as if my sperm is the ONLY reason I'm worth sucking.

I know a guy who sucked me off once and did a great job, I blew a huge load for him and he went away happy. He is a cum-freak, but he was also all about making my dick happy. We met a second time and he kept saying over and over during the encounter that he wanted my cum. I felt pressured that I had to give it up RIGHT THEN. The more he kept this up, the harder it was for me to get off. So ultimately, I did NOT get off. Now this dude is unhappy; he didn't get the cum he wanted. Had he just SHUT UP about it and been patient, he would have. These days, he sees me online about every six weeks. He messages me, says he wants to suck me off and eat my cum again, then makes a few more statements about "as long as I get your cum, man," etc. I keep telling him that if he just lets me relax, he WILL get it. But he chickens out every time and signs off. He's so afraid that he or I will "fail" sexually that he won't even try it again -- yet clearly he wants to or he wouldn't keep messaging me.

You need to try to get past the mental block and dependency issues. We can talk about it more later, if you think I'm halfway on track here. I gotta run for now.

Good luck.

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Deprivation, now that could be an interesting thread.

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Wow, Scruffy...you are definetly on track about the dependancy...

Tried jacking off this evening with NO porn and NO poppers and it was a NO GO. Blank mind, limp cock. So clearly I have just to stop both for awhile.

Yeah, I always disclose with regards to hiv. I don't think that's the problem. Because even with other poz guys (who I prefer to have sex with), I still have the no cumming problem.G

Guess I'm gonna have to see a therapist or something, cuz this is not gonna work. I'm only 41, sexy and in good health (hiv notwithstanding).

Thanks for the insightful comments, Scruffy! You're quite a guy...

I do fuck around with webcam sometimes...have in the past anyway...but not under the name WoofPDX. Under my regular internet handle I'm all over the net naked. Done some bear porn, too. But not sure why woofpdx would be a familiar name.

Thanks again and would love to talk more on this and other subjects

__________________
Handsome bear looking for good looking aggressive guys, whether top or bottom.

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Lengthy post -- no surprise there. Written for Woof, so if anyone else doesn't want to read it, you all know where the little X is by now...

I hope the cam question wasn't too much of a personal invasion. It just blew me away when I saw a new poster here with an almost IDENTICAL screen name to a dude I watched jerk off on cam a few hours earlier the night before! I just purchased a new cam myself last week and decided, after many years absence, to fuck around on cam once again for kicks. Anyway, that's neither here nor there.

Quickly, to get it out of the way: since you are honest about your HIV status and tell your partners, probably this is not a mental road block which has anything to do with you cumming or not. I kind of figured that probably you DID disclose this information, since you put it in your profile here -- and that's some honesty I greatly admire. Good for you.

I wouldn't be so quick to think that you necessarily need a counselor, but ultimately that choice would be your own and certainly it couldn't hurt. (I have some strong opinions on counselors in general, believing some to be far too caught up in psychological paradigms, while others just more or less sit there and do nothing. It all depends on the problem, the person with the problem, and the actual counselor. Like anything in life, I wouldn't take it TOO seriously, and I personally would allow for some healthy skepticism when deciphering the clues given by a counselor. But that's just me.)

I didn't mean to be misleading in my hurried post above. I DO have trouble getting off sometimes. I am REALLY particular about what is done to my dick. Some dudes get pretty uptight about this. And even when jerking off, I sometimes get bored with it FAST. I play with my dick EVERY day -- but I do not CUM every day. This is that deprivation I mentioned, but also, I feel it is a WASTE of sperm to shoot every single day. I'd rather save it up -- and I LOVE the feeling of becoming increasingly turned on each and every day I go without a release.

Men are VERY visual creatures. This is proven sexual fact about males. We LOVE the stimulation a good bit of imagery provides. We get bored very quickly when we see the same things over and over. I am SURE that ALL of us have looked at some of the same porn tapes of pictures on our PCs and after a while... these things don't do it for us anymore. The first few times, we can get very excited and might even look forward to the NEXT time that we have a chance to sit down and watch a favorite scene in a new porn film. But after we've seen it ten times or whatever... it becomes stale and flat. We KNOW what to expect. So we go out on a quest for something NEW.

I recently watched a cool, new porn flick on my PC. One scene was of particular interest to me. I found myself thinking about it a little bit off and on throughout the day. But after watching it many times with a hard cock in hand, I found my dick getting progressively softer. There was no NEW excitement there. If I don't watch it again for a few months, I'll be able to enjoy it more later on. But for now... I'm tired of it.

My feelings on poppers are a bit divided. They are not technically "addictive" in the way that some hard core drugs are addictive. I've never talked to a guy who says he CANNOT get hard or have a sexual thought without them. But I HAVE talked to a lot of guys who say they PREFER using them. I can understand this.

For me, it's like this: great sex is hot as it is. Poppers can make my dick feel even MORE intense -- and, as an added bonus, they stimulate desire and provoke more detailed fantasies. So why NOT have this extra stimulation?

Yet as we all know, too much popper use can sometimes lead to a deflated pecker. Or a headache. Or the effect just kind of fades if you are in a long sexual session that goes on for hours. STALE poppers can be even worse, causing a complete lack of interest.

I personally find that poppers are helpful when I am with a guy who isn't all that great at what he's doing, but he's not too bad, either. The added oomph gives me what I need to enjoy him more than I might normally enjoy him. But when I'm with a guy who nails my dick perfectly, I find that I just sort of naturally restrict the amount of poppers I use. Two reasons why... First, the dude is making me feel SO good that the added pop to my dick brings me too close too fast. So I hold off a bit. Second, I just don't necessarily NEED any more sensation, so I may as well put the cap on and just relax. Then, when I take another whiff eventually, it feels even MORE intense from having held back.

I vote for a happy medium with poppers. Use them, enjoy them, but learn to just take it easy.

Sometimes I go for a ride late at night, sometimes actively cruising, sometimes just driving around. I am usually horny during these times and my thoughts turn sexual. My dick gets hard, my mind thinks of sex, and I have no problem indulging in a fantasy or two. But I'm not entirely focused on JUST this. It's kind of a background thing. To me, it feels like: "this is what it is to be a man, to have these periods of sexually mental wanderings." It seems normal. I don't need porn, I don't use poppers while driving (anymore!), but at the same time, I'm not consumed by the sexuality of it all. More or less, I'm just another horny dude.

Using this new cam to jerk off online now and then -- well, that's fun, in a way, but it doesn't rock my world. I like the REAL thing, but I figure that if I'm to a point where I HAVE to jerk off, I may as well have an audience, right? But I find that I simply CANNOT do it if there are too many distractions. When guys keep asking for more and more, or when a cam chat room is focused entirely on someone else, or when I cannot find another guy to watch that turns me on -- forget it.

Here's an example. I was hard as a rock and jerking off on cam, watching a dude I really liked. This dude suddenly left, and I had nothing more to look at. Finding a new cam to watch takes forever. So kiss my erection goodbye! This frustrates the guys who are watching ME. Unless I find some new visual stimulation, I call it a night. Again, men are highly visual creatures. With nothing to look at, I become bored.

So I don't think this is anything all that unusual, or that you necessarily have a problem.

A few other things, too, if you don't mind...

You and I are both getting a bit older. We don't get hard and get off the way we used to as young men. The older we get, the more we have to think about, too. Life's lessons are cumulative, that's for sure. The more that happens to us, the more we have to ponder. We may sometimes get distracted sexually by other things. In this way, poppers and porn help to refocus us toward all things relating to our dicks. Not the end of the world, here -- if these things help, why not (in moderation)?

Sometimes I think we TELL ourselves we are far more dependent on certain things than we truly are in reality. We reinforce these thoughts with repeated experiences. It becomes hard to break free from the cycle.

You said you tried jerking off with no poppers and no porn last night and failed. So what? Try again sometime. You didn't think that suddenly you'd be able to fix this concern of yours with just one attempt, did you? DON'T get stuck in that loop of failure. "I couldn't do it last night, I MUST have some sort of problem." It's just ONE time, dude. Give it some practice, take your time with it. If this is something you want, you'll be able to do it eventually.

If I'm having sex for a LONG time, even the BEST of the BEST cocksucker cannot keep me hard FOREVER. Sooner or later, my dick grows tired of the sensations. I need a break. A few minutes is nice. Just enough to get me ready for more. I find I can go again no problem after this. No one can suck me for four hours straight -- my dick can't stand up that long without a rest -- and the dude needs a break, too. In a way, this is another example of sexual boredom (and physical limits). It's perfectly normal, if you ask me. Maybe a young twenty-one year old guy can stay erect for an hour and keep on fucking, but my experience has been that younger dudes, while they might get harder faster and be ready for sex quicker after they cum, cannot hold a candle to us older guys who have STAMINA and can go for the long haul. I can get my dick sucked all fucking night long until the sun comes up and I can hold off from cumming for HOURS. Let's see a kid do that!

Here's a few suggestions off the top of my head, maybe these will be helpful:

Tell guys in advance that you don't get off easily. I do this all the time. I don't want anyone expecting me to shoot in ten minutes. If they know this beforehand, they don't have anything to bitch about, and if they DO bitch about it, fuck it. I warned them! Tell dudes that you love GETTING there as much as cumming; try to displace the notion that shooting cum is the ultimate GOAL of ALL sex. For me, it isn't. For me, the GOAL of sex is to enjoy physical pleasure AS LONG AS POSSIBLE (with rare exceptions when my nuts are blue and I HAVE to get some release no matter what). If you eliminate a possible cause for worry, you might relax more and be able to shoot when you want to.

Learning to cum at will isn't easy. I can't say this is something I have COMPLETELY mastered, but I AM very good at it. MOST of the time, I can cum when I want to. The exception would be times when I am pressured to do so in a hurry. If I'm relaxed and feel in control, it's like I have this little switch in my dick. I can keep it in the OFF position and I won't cum. When a guy REALLY wants it, I can flip the switch and give the control over to him. Open the floodgates, so to speak.

Practice retaining sexual imagery in your head for times when you can't see it with your own eyes.

Start by limiting your popper use, but maybe it isn't a good idea to stop completely, at least not right now. Cold turkey doesn't work for everyone.

Play with yourself and do NOT set standards and goals. Just have some fun. If your dick isn't completely hard when you are jerking off, so what? It still feels good. You are still aroused. You don't have to cum EVERY time you masturbate.

In fact, how about trying out some of what I do? Not a day goes by that I can keep my hand off of my dick, but like I said, I don't always cum. I don't feel I NEED to. My "record" is two weeks, but trust me: that's extreme. On average, I can go five days before I find that I can't sleep anymore. So maybe skip a day or two. Enjoy your penis; love and respect it. Touch it, play with it, get into it, and don't worry about it. I am QUITE sure that after a few days of NOT cumming you'll find that you can blow a load with little hesitation. I personally love the feeling of full balls. As each day goes by, I become more and more sexually stimulated, to the point where a soft breeze gets me hard. And since I've stopped wearing underwear a few years ago, I've been loving the added sensation of being THAT much closer to my own dick!

RELAX. Do a few things for yourself, sexual or otherwise. A few days ago, I had slept in and woke up late on a day off. I was still really tired in the early afternoon. I wanted a nap, but didn't feel like I could sleep anymore. I fired up the webcam and kicked back on my guest bed in my office. I laid there wearing only a pair of boxers and focused the cam on me. I closed my eyes and kind of drifted. I didn't read the chat dialogue. If someone was watching, cool. If not, also cool. I fantasized a bit. Touched my chest and arms, played with my dick. No poppers, just relaxing. For a while, I wasn't erect, but didn't care. I eventually got hard, so I jerked off for a bit, but didn't cum. It was all about feeling good and relaxing. Later, I found my mailbox stuffed full of messages from dudes who watched me. It was kind of hot, actually. No pressure to cum, no pressure to be hard ALL the time, just some personal enjoyment. As a bonus, it pleased other dudes -- dudes I've never met. Very cool!

A personal pet peeve of mine is fetishists who cannot enjoy ANY form of sex which does not include their fetish. This is, of course, the very definition of the term, and I understand that this is a sexual "problem" for some. But this isn't YOUR problem. You just like some porn and some poppers.

Enjoy your porn, dude. We ALL enjoy our porn. If you like to fantasize during sex, that's fine, too. As long as you don't completely ignore your partner, so what?

If you enjoy having a guy lick your balls to help you cum, go for it. Just understand that after a guy cums first, he isn't necessarily as into it as you might want him to be. There are subtle signs of this that can REALLY turn a guy off. I know it bugs me when this happens. I personally would rather NOT cum when this happens, but then again, I do my best to request of the very submissive cocksuckers that they do NOT cum before I do. Most are cool with this.

Good luck, man. Practice. Take your time. Don't make it a huge issue, just consider it something toward which you are working to accomplish. Sooner or later, you'll get there. But consider this: if you were to NEVER change your personal habits, so what?

You seem pretty normal to me -- as long as you remember that "normal" is a completely subject term, unless we are discussing extreme cases of sexual dysfunction. Porn and poppers do not, in my opinion, fit into that category.

I'd LOVE to discuss deprivation, GWT. And I'm sure we'll get around to it eventually, too. (Get it?)

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Yeah, I get it.

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Hey Woof,

Thought I'd throw in my two cents as well here.

As the Buddhists say, "You're perfect just the way you are. "

That said, instead of fighting what get's you off embrace it. If you need porn, poppers and lube, go for it and set your hook ups around that.

We all have issues around sexuality and therapy is always a great venue for anyone trying to find out more about themselves, heal and even break ground on new experiences. You may suffer from some "intamacy" issues, you know, the usual suspects we all read about on line or watch on television.

I for one have a hard time getting aroused once I start to get to know someone, therefore, anonymous sex is my best bet when I want to get off. Yes of course there are issues there, but am I going to stop having anonymous sex? I think not, just as you shouldn't stop doing what you're doing.

Really, honesty works wonders and you can be totally upfront with guys you want to play with about your not cumming thing or just say you're looking to please and that gets you off. I know many guys into servicing that don't like to cum while doing it. Fine with me as I've had plenty of hot times with guys like that.

So, I guess I'd suggest going to therapy if you feel it will improve your quality of life, or just say fuck it and keep doing what you're doing.

Peace out. ;-)

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Woofpdx ~

Was there ever a time in your life where you could jack off to completion without watching porn and using poppers to enhance the experience? This is not a trick question.

If you can't get aroused and stay aroused until you climax unless you are watching porn and using poppers, you might have developed a conditioned sexual arousal dependency later in your mid-life. You are not age 21, mentally and physically; you're age 41. If you have been using porn and poppers over a long period of time, let's say from your early 20s to the present, you might be experiencing something that naturally occurs in most men as they move into their mid-life or middle age years. You are not experiencing the elevated testosterone homone levels now that you did when in your 20s. You need to take that into account.

Next, you mentioned you are HIV+. Are you taking any prescribed medications? If so, what if any side effects might the medications have on your physical ability to maintain or sustain an erection to completion and climax? This needs to also be taken into account if you are using prescribed meds for HIV.

You should also know that even men using Viagra must still be sexually aroused in order for the Viagra to do its job. As Dr Danny, one of our contributing medical authorities, would tell you ... Viagra only works if a guy is sufficiently sexually aroused. Am I suggesting you might be a candidate for Viagra? Absolutely not. What I am saying, however, is that maybe you need to sit down with your doctor and have a heart-to-heart frank and candid talk with him about your problem. At age 41, you probably need to have this heart-to-heart talk with your doctor if for no other reason to rule out any organic systemic problem.

This is not the time in your life to be shy or reluctant to discuss your sexual health concerns with your doctor. Since you are HIV+, I'm assuming you are already under a doctor's care for managing your HIV disease. If this is the case, you need to share your concerns with your doctor.

__________________
Those who deny freedom to others deserve it not for themselves. And, under a just God, cannot long retain it.

-- Abraham Lincoln

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Wow, such great comments from some REALLY cool guys. Love to have you all over for some in-person sex therapy

An update: I had posted another thread asking guys what they are thinking about during sex, whether or not they fantasize or if they are just focused on the guys they are having the moment with. To my surprise, most guys said they do NOT fantasize during sex, they are focused on their partner. I really thought it was the norm to kind of go off in your head somewhere during sex.

SO....I met this really cool guy last week, and we have had sex a few times. Both times there was no porn, no poppers...and both times I shot huge loads, focusing on the physical sensations and really trying to be in the moment, getting off on the man and the cock that was in mouth, my ass. Pretty cool, eh?

But I am going to take all your excellent thoughtful replies with me. Yeah, the age and the hiv status and the years of doing the same thing are probably all factors.

Thanks again for all the terrific advice. So glad I came upon this forum...pun intended

WOOF!

__________________
Handsome bear looking for good looking aggressive guys, whether top or bottom.

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I am always pleased when a guy stops back to post an update or to say thanks.

So there you go, Woof. Hot sex without accessories, no problems!

Didn't take you long to get the hang of it, did it?

So go enjoy your porn and poppers when you feel like it. Clearly they aren't required, but they sure can add to the fun when the situation warrants it.

As for fantasies... I've been in a few situations where fantasies can be distracting -- and a few others where they can be quite helpful. Mostly I do like to focus on the guy I'm with and enjoy HIM, but as I said, every now and then, with a less-than-stellar performance, a little wandering in the mind's eye can be useful.

Corey mentioned something that I agree with as well: he spoke of how he likes to hear or say certain phrases that not all guys are into. I am kind of like that, too. Some things just really get me off, but not every guy will say them or wants to hear them from me. If a guy wants to make sure I get off, all he has to do is say my name with my dick stuffed in his mouth -- or tell me he's into my penis. Not my dick. Not my cock. My penis. That blows me away, but very few guys find the word "penis" to be erotic. I do, though. Sometimes I can ask a guy to do this when he wants to make me cum, but if it sounds forced or fake, it's worse than not hearing it at all. To their credit, though: most guys seem to be into it. I DO like to hear "dick" and "cock" during the proceedings, though. But to make me cum... my name and reference to my penis works almost all the time. If a dude isn't into that... Hell, I'll just THINK it. Why not?

Anyway, thanks for the update. Enjoy the boards here. CFS is a great little community. Maybe not so little... Thousands seem to read these threads.

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