On numerous occassions, I have had guys reply to my postings or personal ads on here. They contact me and initiate plans to get together for a little fun. Some of them send many e-mail (or make phone calls) and go into juicy details about what they want to do when we get together. These e-mails make you so hot that you're ready to jack off thinking about the fun you're going to have when you hook up. Alas, most of these guys make definite plans and then don't bother showing up (or contacting you to say they can't make it). This is especially aggrevating for the bottom who goes through all the trouble of douching to get ready.

Why do these guys do it? Do they get off by making plans, making you horny and then not showing? Do some of them chicken out at the last minute or do they make plans knowing that they have no intention of following through? In most of the cases, the guys are agressively pursuing the date. I could understand it if I was the one in pursuit and sending all these e-mails but these guys are the ones constantly contacting you.

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I guess, we have all been there and done that. I am wondering about the proverbial T-shirt though...

I have grown to believe that most 'flakes' have really never had any intention of meeting up at all. They seem to be getting off on all the e-mail exchange, phone calls and the knowledge that they could go on with their plans, if they seriously desired to do so. It might not be quite easy for the rest of us to understand the thrill they are deriving from those sick little plays, so we'll leave it at that.

A number of guys simply have no plan and no sense of responsibilty and/or even minimal committment. They just leave it to the last minute to decide, if they want to show up or not. Mostly, they don't. Cause, whatever they were doing at that particular moment seemed more interesting or promising than hooking up with another dude. Besides, there are thousands of chatters and thousands of online profiles around, too. So, if they do not meet up with you, they may (just may) meet up with someone else some other time. On the other hand, they may choose not to do so, depending on their whim at that moment.

There are guys who seriously want to meet up but invariably chicken out at the very last moment. They must have their reasons, too.

There are guys who are complete fakes and who really show up but you would really be never able to recognize them, cause all the stats and pix they had sent you were complete fakes. Such guys seem to want to know, who is behind that particular ad or that particular profile.

Fewer and fewer guys have a sense of common decency to phone in and say, 'sorry, cannot do'. Why bother? There are so many men online looking for a hot hook-up anyway. Right?

Few years ago, at the time when online hook-ups only started, probably 2/3 of the guys really showed up. These days, if you get to really meeting up 1/3 of the guys who promised to meet up, you are doing well.

My bottomline: online hookups are increasingly nothing else but a mere waste of time. Sure, you can strike gold. The likelihood of which is dwindling.

So, real life and real time cruising is coming back big time...

Just my 2 cents...

KD

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Ditto to KD and Scruffy (on the same thread under Gay Sex).

My two cents:

A sure way to weed out a flake is when the email exchange becomes an on-line jerk off session. When they start going on about all the hot things they're "going" to do with you, red flag it. Also, if the email exchange is endless with ridiculous questions like are you a blue collar worker or what are you balls like, red flag that too. Oh yeah, and if after fifty five emails and you finally say what time are you coming by and they reply with, and I love this one, "What are you into?", delete it and move on.

When I cruise on-line, my profiles have enough pics, including face, dick, ass, shirtless etc. so they know what I look like. I give it a few emails to ask the questions that matter like vers, top or bottom, HIV status and all that. After that, it should be are we going to meet or not.

There are a ton of guys who just get off on the email exchange and will never meet you, and yes, they're usually the one's who hit you up constantly within ten seconds of you signing onto your web site of choice. I find that with guys like that if you cut them off up front with an actual invitation to meet up, they shy away fast.

You could also give yourself a 45 minute late rule. After that, don't even answer the door. I did that when I lived in Boston, but now that I'm in Florida it seems to be a 45 minute drive for either party to get anywhere so I have to be a little more flexible. I'm hoping that since there is that "drive" as a factor that guys are serious when making plans, but time will tell ;-)

Unfortunately though, this is going to happen time and time again and like KD said, it's just getting worse. I too am finding myself finding hook ups in real time settings more than on-line because I just don't have the patience anymore.

If I post a "right now" type of ad somewhere, I'll get a lot of replies, but maybe two at the most are serious.

Keep at it though, some guys do pull through and you could have a very hot time and hopefully, that will lead to a "regular" thing and you won't have to look on-line as much.

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I had an intresting 'stand up' this week.

After many many email pleading for a meeting
I agreed to meet at a local ( for both) bagel store.
We had exchanged may pictures including faces.
I was 15 minutes early and noticed on man sitting
alone but did not appear to look like his picture.
i said Hi and sat a table near by. I read the newspaper and
looked up quite a few times. This man appeared to be at least
50 while his proflie said 40. After maybe 10 long minutes I walked ovver and asked "is your nname RIch?" He replied
quickly and quietly NO. He then stood uup and left. I waited another 30 minutes and left as well. The more I thought about it
I went back to the pictures to review. I noticed some specific marks on his teeth (eeewwwww) that I remembered. Sure shootin it was "RIch" who would not indentify himself. When I got home I sent an email saying I was there at 11 where were you?
His reply... I was there where were you?
I thought ..." This one is a fruit cake supreme"

It makes yuo not want to meet up at all.
(The ABS book stores are 100% hits for me)

__________________
If you don't ask ...

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Gettin stood up?? What about getting kicked out??

I met a guy online in a chat room that invited me to his hotel. We had traded pics and discussed what we liked. I drove to the hotel (20 minutes away) and knocked on the door. When i got inside we began to touch. I put my hand under his shirt and he did the same to me. He drew back and sat down on the bed. He looked up and said " I feel uncomfortable". My first thought was to kick his ass since i had snuck out of the house to meet him. On second thought I said it would be best to turn and leave.

Ive never figured out the deal. My pictures are acurate and so were his. He was in his 30's me in 40' and all that was upfront. Go figure???

First time ive ever been kicked out of bed! Ive met younger men in person and picked them up with ease. This guy and I did all the pic trading and he kicks me out.

__________________
40 something, 6' 175 brn/brn hairy looking for other married wm or younger guys to play.

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I've been employing this rule for a couple years now, but I allow an hour (Jacksonville has some big-ass city-limits, and lots of guys are even willing to meet from much further than that, so... an hour LATE is ample time to know I'm being stiffed).

It depends on WHERE the guy says he is driving from, though. I will usually tell the dude online first that I'll allow leeway for drive-time and the possibility that he might get lost. I'll give him my number and tell him to call for directions if he needs to, or to let me know he'll be more than an hour late. If I hear nothing and he doesn't show -- I'll either not answer the door at all or more likely, greet him and tell him to forget it. Most of the time, though -- if a dude doesn't show up in an hour after the arranged time, he's never showing up at all.

I actually met a dude online who lived in my own apartment complex. His building was walking distance (the complex is huge and covers a couple miles, but he was close). He said he'd be over in ten minutes -- enough time to walk it and enough time to leisurely get ready and drive over.

I think he showed up ninety minutes later. I had given up entirely and went outside to walk the dog. I see this car drive by and the guy looking at me with the dog. He parked and got out, shirtless, and walked to my apartment as I was returning with the dog.

"Dude," I told him. "You've got to be kidding. You're over an hour late and you live five minutes away. I'm going to bed, nothing's happening tonight."

He apologized but offered no explanation. I was stunned that he showed up at all.

Thing was... he was a hot fucker. Not my "dream cub," but a young dude with great body who claimed he was a cum pig, so that works for me. I was tempted to let him come inside anyway, but his rudeness and lateness had really ticked me off, so I had to send him packing.

Admittedly, though... I told him to try me again sometime. Hell, he lives RIGHT there! But I've never heard from him again. Oh, well.

PS: I was also "kicked out" by a DIFFERENT dude who ALSO lived in my complex, but this was about five years ago, just after my ex took off. We had talked online but he had no photos to swap. So he invites me over to his apartment and says that we'll meet and "see how it goes." Guess he wasn't into me -- after ten minutes of boring conversation, he says "the sex thing isn't going to happen, but I enjoyed meeting you."

Uh... OK. What a bunch of shit. I DID think he was decent-looking, but he sure wasn't anything special. It was hard NOT to take it personally, since the dude was saying he was not attracted to me, but... I got over it fast. Clearly, not everyone is into me and that's just life and is the same for everyone out there.

I have personally asked dudes to leave MY place, but not based on appearance. If they have claimed to be something they are not, or otherwise make me feel creepy -- they've got to go.

I went to meet two different dudes a few years ago... One gave me an address and when I arrived, the house was black and he never answered the door -- chickenshit. The other had the whole house blazing with every light on, cats wandering around empty food bowls on the front porch, and loud music blasting from the back. I rang the bell several times but no answer. A neighbor was staring at me from across the street, so I felt it was wise to just take off.

Have run into MANY guys who cruise me HARD and then back off when they get the go-ahead. Some will go so far as to join me in a booth and then chicken out, giving the same, old "uncomfortable" line. I suspect they are mostly closet-cases and I don't give them much thought, though I don't appreciate being used as part of their own, personal "test my sexual identity" experiment. Mostly I feel sorry for them.

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Hey SC

Much of the tactics applied depends upon the urban environment you live in.

I have been blessed with 'my choice' of cities to live in. Both Vienna, Austria and SF, CA have reasonably good systems of public transportation and both cities are compact and thus, easy to get around in.

Yet, I would neither disclose my precise address nor would I go to any address given to me by someone I have just 'met online'. I hate to sound paranoid here, but I would not feel very comfortable with such a setup (pun intended). Ever so often, bad things do happen, and I would rather not be involved.

I am totally punctual but have no problem with waiting for 15 min. for a guy and would give him 15 more, if he phones in or texts, saying he is on his way. But that's it. This is where I draw my line. I grew up in a society which only allowed ladies to be reasonably late. Men were always supposed to be on time. Like I say, 'I am not really into ladies...'

Living in easy-to-reach areas has its advatages. So, we'll arrange for a quick meet up in one of the neighboring coffee shops, check up the vibe and pick it up from there. If it is a 'GO', a 5 minute walk would bring us to my place.

I have dispensed with long drives to anywhere. Most guys simply do not show up anyway and I do not feel like wasting my time and energy on them. I can always host, so most guys, keeping that in mind, agree to come to the 'downtown location'.

I would always meet in public. If the dude lied about his age, looks, sent a faked pic, etc., I would be polite and direct at the same time. 'Hi, thanks for coming. I was interested in that guy on a picture you sent and am not really into you. Sorry.' And I would move on. No one has ever protested or said anything, simply because they knew, they were lying and they were caught.

Now, no one really understands what's going on through our heads (pun intended) while 'we are rompin' in the hay'. There were times, when I simply had to say, 'Nope, no more of this.' (Usually, to guys who have too many teeth and do not know when to use them and when not to. And to guys who were profoundly dishonest and are now hoping to 'persuade me' to go into a little frottage, mutul masturbation or whatever else with them.)

I am pretty explicit and honest about my intentions. Not because I believe in those virtues alone but mostly because I believe in the economics of it. So, if a dude is here to waste my time and energy, he is out.

Finally, a certain number of men would get into it for few minutes just to chicken out, once the 'uncomfortable line' sets in. Apparently, this gives them some sense of power and/or control or something. Few guys are virtually conscious-stricken, too and are swaying between having their cake and not eating it. I guess, once you agree to meet up with the 'new guys', this kind of scenario cannot be quite eliminated ahead of time no matter how hard you try.

KD

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Cruising online is something you get the hang of after a while, just like cruising in real life. When cruising in a more public area, I get good vibes and bad vibes off the guys who are present. Sometimes it just doesn't feel right. Same with online setups, but obviously, I'll admit that you can't rely on intuition online as well as you might in face to face situations (and even then, intuition can fail you).

So I always ADVISE folks to meet in public (if asked). But I'm mostly cool with having a dude stop by my place, for various reasons. Each of us has our own comfort zone. I WANT a dude who has the BALLS to come to my place, who isn't afraid to go get what he wants. These type of guys usually end up being a lot more fun than any shy, introverted or closeted types. Yet I agree: there is always risk in anything you do.

For that matter, while meeting in public IS a safer and smarter way to go, it is not out of the question that one could meet a dude in public, feel that all is well, then head off to one's apartment only to discover that the guy they THOUGHT was cool during a fifteen minute coffee-talk session is really a freak of gigantic proportions.

Surprises can come at any time -- which is why cruising is always an AYOR activity.

For me, doing coffee or whatever kills the mood. But that's just me. Any dude that comes to my place and has sent a false photo isn't getting in the door.

And though I always end up meeting new guys every couple months, MOST of the men I meet from online are guys I already know, who get together with me on a regular basis. But of course... they were ALL "new guys" at one time!

Yet I'm flexible, too. I don't mind SOME small talk first and I don't mind fiddling with any given scenario if it helps a dude feel more comfortable.

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I've been stood up lots of times. The one that made me really burned was I drove nearly an hour, and the address was a burned out vacant house in a semi industrial/commercial area (early evening, so all closed). I headed back home indirectly (motorcycle, so took a nice ride to 'cool off' was only slightly annoyed at this point) and got a flat, took several hours to get home.
In the pre-covid days stand-ups were more annoying if they wanted to fuck- I agree with Rocket "This is especially aggravating for the bottom who goes through all the trouble of douching to get ready." But also can apply for the connections that say they want both ends, but after they feed me, are 'done'. I couldn't guess how many times that has happened over the years.

With this covid, I had not made any connections since February. Had enough of this social distancing... decided to say ok to an outdoor meetup. 4x (different fellas) over a two week period., all no shows. Only one sent a "can't make it" note 20 min b4, all 4 were unresponsive to follow up msgs.

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I know GASlick probably will never see this (15 years later) but maybe someone else will be helped.

"Shit happens." Even with accurate pics, once you see someone in person, they might be a different person than the one you thought you were getting. And vice versa.

I've been on both sides of this. Understanding that it happens & being gracious - is for sure the way to go.

The first time you're on the receiving end, it stings. Then you're on the other end (you really need to stop the encounter) and you learn, "Oh it's necessary sometimes, it's part of the risk of meeting" and it becomes no big deal.

I minimize the risk & hurt feelings by

- avoiding long-drive or high-investment encounters, keeping things local

- making some quick comment in the initial exchange that either party might need to back out upon meeting, and gets to; if the guy doesn't instantly say "Of course", that's a red flag

- asking a quick phone call; by hearing a voice, you can suss each other's vibe. If the person agrees but then doesn't actually call, that's a red flag. Get a burner number or "sex number" for this purpose; Google Voice is good enough. Don't give out your "real" number, which any Internet user can track to your real name & address.

- meeting in public places, or outside after giving a slightly-off address, etc.

- making clear that I hate poppers I know opinions will vary. For me, the smell instantaneously makes me nauseous, shutting off my brain's sexual centers. The point: You may discover some pet peeve in yourself (or he might, for him) and whatever it is, it's best to say it up front, to prevent "unfortunate" encounters before they happen.

Agree, in principle.

With me, a guy gets a 20-minute window to *communicate* about his delay or his new plans. If he can't even communicate, then he's probably a bad lay and/or a total flake, so block. No, I don't care - at that point - if he was really on his way, or feels stood up.

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i forgot to note, the 4 'outdoor' meetups, (plus 4 more stand-ups since & no suck-cesses) they were all local (my back yard or within 5 miles. I stopped going to the city zones (DC/or near the beltway) years ago since city guys were far more likely to be wasted trips no matter how good they sounded. Seems they have too many options and don't give a thought about flaking out.

I don't block standups, most of the time I never hear back from them anyway, but there have been a couple that turned out were well worth another chance., tho i did restrict conditions

I've run into a number of guys are DL and don't want to use phone because 'someone' might see the txt or call log, i get that. Only give mine with someone who sounds promising.

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I have been thinking of getting a burner phone to use just for sex hook ups. I really don't want to give out my "real" number to someone I have never met - but I have got to do something to get back in the game!

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