When reading posts on this and other websites it is the "within reason" that I find so interesting because it varies so much from person to person.

You see posts from people that will still bareback with guys they just met as long as he says he has been tested....

You also see posts from guys that will not suck a cock without a condom...

It is the finding the balance between safety and still having fun -

I was in college when AIDS began being public knowledge - and it scared the hell out of me. At a time when I thought I would be fooling around non-stop I pretty much shut down except when back home with a few guys I had known for years and felt safe with.

You have to remember when AIDS first hit the news it was "gay sex causes AIDS" - at first they did not even talk about condoms or anal sex - it was just gay sex that was the culprit.

I missed out on a lot of fun - and it probably helped cement the closet door shut for me - but basically I considered no risk to be "within reason".

These days I am more relaxed but still cautious.

But I see posts from some younger people that are gay and out - but yet have never had sex at all -and I worry for them about their threshold of "within reason" and all they are missing out on.

In this world we live in today there is risk in everything - it is balancing the risk with having a life that is such a challenge.

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The other wording for doing precisely what you described above is 'doing the things within the reason', isn't it?

Sure, we are all different people, and hence, define 'reasonable' in vastly disparate ways. So, the wording, i.e. usage tends to fall an easy victim to the relativistic nature of such definitions.

IMHO, this is where one's personal integrity enters the stage.

See, I have a few rental properties here that I am renting to the tenants. Would I rent to someone just because he promises that he would be paying rent on time? Nope. I would want all the background checks, security deposits, contracts, etc. I would want a degree of security because I honestly intend to protect my investment here. Yet, we are talking about something that is replaceable, and really does not have any major impact on the quality of my life.

Now, I am going to turn around and have BB sex with someone who says that he is 'clean'. I mean, he promises to be 'clean', rite?

Nope. My own sense of integrity tells me where the usual 'pragmatic' approach does not really work. I cannot be possibly trusting one guy with my life in exchange for his word, and sending another dude on a mile long footwork over a relatively minor issue, can I?

Living by your own word, and being honest to yourself about the nature of your actions is not only laudable because it serves the others. It serves the subject first and foremost.

So, speaking for myself, I have little problems in establishing what I see as being 'within the reason'. I am happy to share my thoughts with those who would like to hear my argumentation, too.

Naturally, every dude out there is free to call his shots as he finds fit. Should he be facing the possibly dire consequences of his decisions, well, we will all tell him that this comes with the territory.

KD

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Speaking only for me, these days I have so little free time. Either I'm working as a caregiver or working on work or working with our pets and household needs. I'm preoccupied and (not to whine, I'm grateful for many things) I don't have the energy, emotion, or time to play anymore, not sexually or otherwise.

From the beginning of being sexually active years ago I always assumed any guy I was with had a good chance of being positive, regardless of what they said or didn't say. This is still true, and the men I'm most attracted to are close to my age. Many are long-term HIV survivors. Although I'm HIV-, many men that I know or would be likely to meet make the same assumption I do. It often goes unsaid, each of us having made it this far knowing we are responsible for our own choices.

If my personal circumstances were different, I would ask my doctor to prescribe Truvada for me and then I'd go out and play. For me, today at least, that's unneeded. PrEP gives us new risk management options. For me, that would be a good choice. I take my meds - even the osteoporosis one! - and do what I know I must do.

Clearly people with different life circumstances may have different habits, make different choices, or fail to follow through on the choices they intend.

I don't tell people what to do, simply urge them to educate themselves and decide, with honesty and self-assessment, to make choices that will work for them and be respectful and thoughtful toward others. I also know that each of us must be prepared for the possibility that the other guy or guys don't do this, or that their actions - chosen or by circumstance - aren't the same as mine.

All for now. I write too much, must move on to other things.

~ Bob

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This is where Bob and I behaved in precisely the same manner, without necessarily starting from the very same premise.

Unlike Bob, in those days, I used to believe that many/most(?) of the guys I was meeting for sex among the members of my college coterie were actually HIV negative guys. A few of them used to be virgins to anything sexual when I met them, and a few others hardly had any experience worth mentioning. Well, as we all know, of all the problems in this world, virginity and the lack of sexual experience are probably the easiest and by far, the most pleasant ones to solve.

But there was a nasty outbreak of Hepatitis C out there, AND I had made a very conscious decision to have sex with condoms ONLY. It was one of those things, that I refused to think/debate about. Condoms have been a non-negotiable for me in all these years.

Again, I can only speak for myself, and am very much aware of the fact that other guys may have made a very different experience. But I have never had any problems using condoms, and practically all of the guys I have been having sex with agreed to the condom use without anything ado. You fucked with condom and lube. Full stop. And you moved on without spending any time thinking about what really happened last night. That peace of mind has always been priceless in my books. And still is, to this day.

I always saw m2m sex as pure, recreational fun.

Two guys mess around, get their rocks off, and move on. If the experience was worth repeating, they'll probably do so. The sun rises in the east, we go to work/school, and still have to pay our bills, put food on the kitchen table, etc.

Call me spoiled, or whatever, but the very idea that the m2m sex should have ANY consequences for the players involved just does not sit well with me. So, I fucked the dude. (Wow!) Now, I have got to go, make doc appointments, take batteries of tests, start taking meds, pay the bills associated with all of the above? Definitely not my cupper... But I fully understand and accept the fact that other guys may hold a vastly different opinion here.

KD

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Truly a different context: I came out in my final year of college and didn't have a group of friends like that. The time of exploring and becoming more adventurous for me was when I moved to DC, right as the HIV/ADS was beginning to reach high public awareness.

DC was a hot spot both gay men and for HIV/AIDS. I knew the first man to publicly identify himself in DC as being a PWA and to be interviewed by the Washington Post. I didn't know him well but I became a better friend with his lover, who later also died.

As an introvert just beginning to come out of my shell as a person, not just as being gay, I had very few truly close friends. So many of my (what should I call them?) friendly acquaintances and and sex partners did indeed have HIV. There were funerals, quilt panels, demonstrations, and more.

Eventually I had a boyfriend of many years who was a hospice volunteer. He taught me a lot. The whole thing, the sheer sense of mortality, permeated one's consciousness and life.

I must go, running late again, and the dogs are demanding breakfast. Just as well.

~ Bob

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Whatever the context, background, etc., the HIV outbreak was a very major game changer for all of us. I doubt that anyone would want to seriously deny this.

On a more mundane side, being a member of a closely knit coterie of college dudes and few working guys belonging to the same peer group really meant not just lots of sex with the guys you knew, (or well, sorta knew) but also a lot of unplanned, spontaneous sexcapades. We are talking here about the pre-cell phone age, too...

With dudes acutely lacking both knowledge and experience in specific matters of hygiene, AND with life being a bit less organized, and a bit more spontaneous, too, accidents of less savory nature were bound to happen.

No one really used to panic or even comment much about those. Everyone pretty much understood that such 'accidents', well, came with the territory. By this very same token, most guys actually agreed that the condoms came in very handy...

No doubt that everybody started using the condoms first and foremost because of the Big Bug as it used to be called. But as it is so often the case in life, other, frequently very mundane aspects of life entered into the equation, too, cementing the only hitherto known survival strategy.

Looking back to this time and age, I believe that it really was the time when we all learned to dance like kites on the rim of a volcano...

KD

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It really changed everything - before the general public became aware of AIDS I remember a buddy of mine talking about how sex with another guy was safer - no chance of getting pregnant.

As the disease and knowledge of it grew people were talking about how "gay sex can kill you" - and a few guys I knew who were "casual bi" - in other words way more into girls but in the right mood with some beer.... well they just stopped fooling around at all. The idea that no one would ever know - what could go wrong - the one time "oh what the hell" that happened as kids was over.

For myself it scared me deeper into the closet and made masturbation look like it was going to be my way of life.....

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