I think for those of us who came out as being gay in the 70s and 80s and who were open - whether in the gay community only or to families, the workplace, or the public or whatever - the experience was a bit different.

If you lived in or had access to a "gayborhood," whether the Castro, Christopher Street/etc, Dupont Circle, and so on, you could walk down the street or into and out of stores knowing you were seen as gay and that you saw gay men around you. You could pick up a guy in the supermarket, on a train, on a bus, or just standing or sitting somewhere.

For many of us, there was an expectation of forming relationships and having lovers, later called "longtime companions" in all those many obituaries, later partners, now sometimes husbands. Some had serial lovers or partners, some had a primary partner and also played around casually. There were some who said they were "monogamous" (monoandrous?) but I suspect that was as factual and malleable as the monogamous status of straight married couples. And of course, there were "it's complicated" situations (a guy had a lover but was also a "Daddy" to a couple "boys" and played around together or separately..) and some simply wanted to be single and unattached.

That was where I arrived after coming out in college and moving to DC after graduation. It seems like a different mindset and social context than KD's and John's. In my early years I was usually looking for a lover and some emotional bond more than just sex. Later I realized I was happier alone. When I temporarily moved to a northeastern suburb, I told people, "I'm no longer looking for Prince Charming, I'm looking for Prince George's!" For a year and a half I lived in an apartment in suburban Prince George's County, Md. Eventually I did have an "it's complicated" partner, not the one I'm with now but still a dear close friend decades later.

I could go on and on, but the main thing is that for guys like me being "caught" or "outed" simply wasn't a concern. Everybody who needed to know, knew. Some people who didn't need to know also knew.

It was like in the office where we talked about our weekends. A woman would say, "Dan and I took the kids to Busch Gardens." I would say, "Paul and I went to Fairfax to see the Martha Graham Dance Company." This was just normal life.

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