I figured this would be the best forum to start asking some questions. First, a little bit of info about me.

33yrs old, closet gay(I figured out I was gay in 2002, and since then I only tell very close friends). I haven't had much experience with meeting guys (I have only met up with 2 guys, and neither one of them wanted to do anything (such as have a j/o session, or even sex)

I am trying to figure out what can I possibly be doing wrong, and what can I do to make things right. I don't think I limit myself too much (I have many ideas on what I would like a guy to do to me).

I am still a virgin, and I do play with an inflatable butt plug once in a while. I do have piercings and tattoos (and I can take out the piercings whenever necessary)

I have many fantasies: I really wish I could find guy(s) that would find me interesting enough to want to meet up and do some stuff. (Maybe I might even get lucky and a guy would be willing to do a LOT to me)

Am I missing something?

(one thing that I have learned, is that where I currently live is not gay friendly. I try to go out of the area to find guys, but so far, no success)

Any suggestions would be appreciated.

__________________
I wish my fantacies would come true. (located in "Dirty Stories: Instant Jackoff Material" area)

Do you have what it takes to make my fantasies come true?

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Not enough information, dude...

You mention TWICE that you have a lot of things in mind that you want a guy to do to YOU -- what are you going to do for HIM?

What reason was given as to WHY the two men you have already met did NOT want to have sex? Did you arrange to meet in a non-sexual setting and "get to know" each other, with the standard "no hard feelings" rule in effect if one or both of you decided there was no attraction? Or was sex implied but rejected at the last minute?

You made sure you mentioned your piercings and tattoos. Are they heavy-duty obnoxious? Do you have a "look" that you know deep inside is unappealing to some people? Did you tell these two guys that you are into piercings and tattoos and have several of them BEFORE you met, or did you just show up with half a pound of metal scattered around your body? You need to either meet with men who are also into this particular style, or you need to at least ditch the piercings before meeting someone who is NOT into it. We can defend your piercings and say "fuck anyone who doesn't like it," but you wouldn't have mentioned it if you hadn't given some thought as to IF this played a part in your being rejected...

I don't feel like going to MapQuest to locate your small town in Ohio, but as you said, you've gone to other places to meet gay men. Ohio has plenty of major cities, and it just so happens that they are scattered more or less VERY evenly across the state. You MUST be close to at least one of them. Furthermore, you are in "The Heart Of It All," if I remember my license plates correctly: Ohio is centrally located, the gateway to the northeast and midwest. Hell, you even border West Virginia. I've been cruised in West Virginia, man... it ain't hard! You may have to travel more, so gas up your tank and don't drink and drive, dude.

Did you meet these two men online? I'd assume as much. Did you swap photos, or set up a blind date? Blind dates are a huge risk -- and you're lucky anyone decided to meet you at all if you didn't share a photo. If you DID share a photo -- if they knew what you looked like -- again... what REASON did they give for rejecting sexual contact?

Being in the closet has little to do with anything... most men who are in the closet KNOW they are in the closet because they manage to slip out and suck on some dick from time to time. So closeted guys still have sex. Being in the closet does NOT mean a guy is also celibate. It CAN, however, be a nifty excuse to use to justify one's own inaction, know what I mean?

When you WANT something in life, you need to go out and GET it. Make it happen. Not every encounter results in something happening, either. Meeting two men and immediately assuming you MUST be doing something wrong because they didn't have sex with you is a cop-out. Cruising isn't for the emotionally weak or egotistically challenged. Rejection happens OFTEN. Get used to it and move on. Everyone likes different types of men. Whatever you look like, there IS someone out there who will be into you regardless of your piercings and tats (if this is even an issue at all). You can't force anyone to have sex with you, and you can't take it TOO personally when you don't score each and every time.

Did you make a move on these guys? Did you SUGGEST anything to them, or were you waiting for THEM to offer sex FIRST? You didn't say...

If you want streamlined advice from the guys here, you need to give more details. All of the above from me is based on assumption -- and is quite generic. We've heard it all before.

And... um... an INFLATABLE butt plug? I have never seen one of those. Can you take it to the beach and use it for a flotation device? Hmmm... I guess just make sure you clean the valve-stem before you put your lips on the thing to blow it up, right?

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I'll try to answer your questions.

".. what are you going to do for HIM?"

The reason I mention only things I'd like have done to me, is because of one of my friends: he keeps telling me I have to mention what I would like to have happen to me, and if a guy is interested, he will let me know, and then he'd let me know what he wants, and if both of us want the same things, then we'd plan a meeting and go from there. My friend also told me not to say anything about how inexperienced I am because guys would find it a turnoff.


"....Did you arrange to meet in a non-sexual setting and "get to know" each other, with the standard "no hard feelings" rule in effect if one or both of you decided there was no attraction?..."

The first one I met in a public park. We talked a while and realized we had a fettish in common. I did mention to him that I am new, and he had me help him with moving. His s/o came around for a bit, and they nuzzled each other. (I met up with him 2 times: the first time was when we met in the park, and the second time is when I helped him move into his new apartment)After that, I would e-mail him and see when we could meet again, but he always was busy.

The second one I met up with, I met at his place. I found out after getting there, that it was a worker at where I worked. While it was a bit uncomfortable (since he worked at the same place as I did, I gave it a shot). First we started with a conversation which ended up going on the topic of my genital piercings - - which lead to him starting to suck my cock.
Only one problem: he never told me he expected his landlord over to repair something. So, while he is sucking, there is a knock at his door, and it spooked the hell out of me (as it did him) and I quickly ran into the other room and got dressed. So, the landlord come in and has to work on something, and I was totally spooked and out of the mood, and since the landlord was going to be there for a while, we both decided it was time for me to go. We never hooked up again: he never asked me, and if he ever would have, I would be hesitatant because I would always feel like someone was going to barge in.

Neither time was sex implied: it was more that we'd meet and go from there.



".....We can defend your piercings and say "fuck anyone who doesn't like it," but you wouldn't have mentioned it if you hadn't given some thought as to IF this played a part in your being rejected... "

I always make a pont of mentioning all of my piercings(and that I have tattoos) before I go any further, and before I meet someone. (that is another thing that same friend of mine told me to do)

Many years ago, some friends of mine kept telling me that the only way I'd ever get a date is if I took out all my piercings. There are times I get self conscious about them (especially when I start looking around at guys on those dating/meeting sites and find that trying to locate a guy with piercings (or is accepting of piercings) is like looking for a needle in a haystack. I never used to think piercings/tattoos were an issue until I moved to this small town, where I have had on more than one occasion, had people give me grief over my piercings. (I may get self conscious about my piercings, but I would still rather have them)




".....Ohio has plenty of major cities, and it just so happens that they are scattered more or less VERY evenly across the state. You MUST be close to at least one of them. ...."

I am about an hour away from Dayton, which is the large city around here. (I don't normally go to Columbus: I have had nothing but bad luck trying to navigate that city)

One of the problems I have with going out of the area and drivng a few hours, is making sure I have a place to stay for a while. (I drove 3 hours to this one bar, and while I did enjoy being there, I had to remember that I had to drive 3 hours to get back. For me, that becomes expensive (when you try to do that every weekend), as well as very tiring too, because you either have to drive home that same night, or you have to spend some more money to try and rent a hotel room for the night.



".....If you DID share a photo -- if they knew what you looked like -- again... what REASON did they give for rejecting sexual contact?
..."

Again, that same friend told me to make sure to post a pic up. I have done that, and we did exchange photos. And I mentioned the 2 different situations already in this reply. (I havent posted a pic here yet becasue I am waiting until my sunburn is cleared up)


" ....Being in the closet does NOT mean a guy is also celibate. It CAN, however, be a nifty excuse to use to justify one's own inaction, know what I mean?...."

I moved away from relatives 2 years ago, mainly to keep them out of my business and to start fresh. Until moving, I had to be almost like a secret agent when trying to hook up with a guy. Now, I can do it when I want to, without having to deal with narrowminded relatives.


"......Everyone likes different types of men. Whatever you look like, there IS someone out there who will be into you regardless of your piercings and tats (if this is even an issue at all). You can't force anyone to have sex with you, and you can't take it TOO personally when you don't score each and every time......"

I think I do take it too personally if I don't "click"with a guy. I become self-conscious of myself and think that there is something wrong with me that causes guys not to want to be around or with me.


".....Did you make a move on these guys? Did you SUGGEST anything to them, or were you waiting for THEM to offer sex FIRST? You didn't say... "

There is a reason I am still a virgin, and it is because I do not know when or what to say to make a move. I have to find a way to know when it is a good time (or mood) to make a move, and how to make a move.

Then, there are these other things... I have seen guys putting their hands down other guy's pants, or having a guy grab your cock while you are standing around (neither of these things happenned to me -- though I wish they had) What is that all about? Is that common, and should that be something I should try? (I'd be worried I'd get punched - but if it is something common and acceptable, I'd give it a try)



".....And... um... an INFLATABLE butt plug? I have never seen one of those. Can you take it to the beach and use it for a flotation device? Hmmm... I guess just make sure you clean the valve-stem before you put your lips on the thing to blow it up, right?....




lol


here is the page:

http://www.mr-s-leather.com/shopping...Find&item=R412

The one in the center of that picture is the one I have. I like to inflate it up and just leave it inside me for as long as I can handle it. While it may not be a big plug, I like it (and hope one day to get another type plug: maybe one that has a harness so it stays in on its own, and is longer and wider(so it takes more to remove it from my butt)



Thanks

__________________
I wish my fantacies would come true. (located in "Dirty Stories: Instant Jackoff Material" area)

Do you have what it takes to make my fantasies come true?

Quote |

[LONG. Written for the poster, not edited to appease the masses who have no interest in reading this.]

OK, then. Well, you've certainly managed to provide a ton of information here. Seems like you prefer to be ASKED about yourself before you volunteer stuff, huh? This may be something to keep in mind as it relates to your situation, now that I think about it.

First... the inflatable butt plug. What a cool idea! I dig it. Can't believe I have never seen one, to be honest. Being able to increase pressure on the prostate in such a manner certainly adds some spark to the standard, boring butt plugs of the past, huh?

So I decided to read your submission in the "Dirty Stories" section. Quite a fantasy you have going there, dude. If this is the kind of thing you are looking for IMMEDIATELY, and/or if you feel nothing else will satisfy you -- you are going to be disappointed. It won't be easy to find someone to play this out. If this is just ONE kind of fantasy, and you are OK with more generic forms of sex, then you might have more luck.

The advice your friend has given you regarding discussion with other men about what you want -- I agree with talking things through first, whenever possible, but at the same time I don't believe the entire focus should be on YOU alone. This is why I wonder if you are fixated on JUST the fantasy scene you have in mind with the male chastity belt, etc. Probably you'd be the only man in Piqua to own one of those, you know?

Generally, most guys ask the other (at least online and in social cruising locations such as bars) what he is "into," and take it from there. This leads to a discussion about what BOTH of them like best.

So if you start out right away and say you want to be restrained and put into a male chastity device, odds are good the conversation will probably tank soon after. This kind of scenario takes some time and preparation. Not everyone is going to want to put forth the effort to do this and spend an entire evening playing out this scene when they can more easily get their rocks off with ANOTHER dude down at the end of the bar who just wants to suck some dick and be done with it, you know?

I've found that the more SPECIFIC someone is when talking to me, with regard to sexual desires that they MUST have met in order to be satisfied, the less interested I am. I don't mind SOME degree of specification, if the guy enjoys it, but it all depends on what is involved. One dude wanted me to spank him one evening with a new paddle he'd purchased. I am not into this, but at the same time, I probably would have done it to please him. But he wanted this scene to take place at about 3 AM. It was too late to get into all of that. I also didn't want the sound of a leather paddle smacking ass-cheeks to wake up my neighbors upstairs. See where I'm going here?

It's give and take, man.

And while it's true that I often meet most with men who want to suck my dick -- they STILL get what they want. There IS something in it for them: sucking dick is what they desire most. BEING sucked is what I want most. We both leave happy. Even the most extreme fetishes involve BOTH people getting what they want out of the deal. The only time sex is not mutually satisfying is when it is simply BAD -- or in cases of rape, obviously.

Regardless, I do not close myself off to guys who want something in addition to just sucking my dick. I always make it clear that if they desire something else, it is in their best interest to ASK. If it's safe sex, odds are good I'm into it, provided there is a necessary mutual attraction between us.

So move the focus from JUST you to the BOTH of you. This will help. Try to consider things OTHER than just your hottest fantasies. Dude, there are some of us who have been around the block many, many times -- and we haven't yet had a chance to explore all our fantasies, either. It takes time; don't rush it. And be understanding of another guy's limits and desires: he may want to indulge in some PARTS of your fantasies, but not all. TAKE WHAT YOU CAN GET!

As for your two experiences thus far... I can see why you might feel disappointed. Shit, man! The dude had you HELP HIM MOVE? That's a lot of fucking nerve. Fuck, Seinfeld had a TWO PART episode about the code of male conduct when it comes to asking someone to move! This isn't something you ask someone you've just met.

When I moved a couple years ago, my ex (thankfully) helped me move about five of the largest pieces of furniture. One day he was supposed to be here to help and never showed, never called. Fuck it. I did it ALL myself. In a pickup truck, no less. I remember the last day of my move, I was so fucked up and tired that I was physically tingling. I'm eating crappy Taco Bell at 4 AM, starving and exhausted, feeling like I just took a hit of acid. But I'll tell ya -- I sure never considered asking a cocksucker buddy of mine to come over and assemble my waterbed! That' just too much. The fact that your dude was "always busy" after you helped him move really makes him stand out as an asshole extraordinaire.

Anyway, that's just a rant.

Sometimes it just doesn't work out, as you discovered. Don't sweat that.

Funny, isn't it? All these folks out there are thinking just how EASY it is for us gay dudes to get sex, blindly believing a stereotype. OK... I'll admit... it IS much easier than it may be for some straight folks, but... we have to work at it, too. Unless you've found a really good glory hole somewhere... plan on some rotten encounters and failed attempts.

Can't do much about your geographical location, I'll give you that. Travel to other towns is your only option there, except for maybe finding some local guys online. However...

Have you considered OTHER cruising venues BESIDES bars? If you want to get your feet wet, go find a bookstore for some anonymous sex. It really doesn't get any easier than a bookstore, dude. Bars generally include all that... TALKING. Ugh. Is there a bathhouse near you? You can certainly even get the rest you need before heading home if you are at the tubs...

The thing is... even though anonymous sex IS easier, and probably you won't have much difficulty finding some dick or a hot mouth, this doesn't appeal to everyone. Understood. But it's a suggestion, at least.

Also... you WILL get rejected EVERYWHERE. Just because a bookstore or a bathhouse is "easier" doesn't mean you will get what you want EVERY time. And you will NOT be seen as attractive by every guy, every time you cruise.

Sexual rejection is NOT restricted to the gay community, of course. This is just LIFE, man. We all understand the basics here, no need to explain it all again: everyone likes something different. Sometimes sex is pretty damn BAD. Sometimes it's out of this world. Sometimes we accept mediocre sex just for the sake of getting SOMETHING. Sometimes we don't wish to accept anything less. You have to play the dumb game and NOT TAKE IT PERSONALLY.

And this, I think, is your primary concern. You said so yourself, that sometimes you take it personally if you don't "click" with a guy.

Look, this happens to EVERYONE. It even happens to Greek-god muscle-dude gym rats. I know this because I have rejected them myself! They are NOT my type! Granted, this probably doesn't matter much to them, since most guys will jump at the chance to be with them -- but the fact remains: EVERYONE gets rejected sooner or later.

I'm nothing special, dude. That's for sure. But I'm OK. I like myself, for the most part. There's lots I'd like to fix, and I work at that. MOST of the time, I'm happy with who I am. MOST of the time I don't give a shit if someone rejects me: I chalk it up to differences in sexual taste and don't take it personally. HOWEVER, I'd be lying if I were to pretend that it NEVER bugs me. Sure it does. Sometimes I get online and I have so many guys sending me messages that it starts getting absurd. I'd rather sign off than bother with them. Other times... NO ONE talks to me for a week. If cruising the real world, the same thing can happen -- periods of time when so many guys cruise me that it becomes impossible to get together with the guy I REALLY want -- and times when I am completely ignored by just about everyone.

Oh, well, man... This is how it goes. Get used to it, dude.

Saving the "sensitive" topic for last:

Your piercings MIGHT be a consideration here, dude. You seem to already know this, so I doubt you'll be upset about that.

You certainly CAN take them out if you think you will appeal to a wider range of men without them. Or you can adopt the attitude of "fuck it," and take your chances: if someone doesn't dig you because of your piercings, you'll just find someone who DOES.

Let me be brutally honest here, since most of you know to expect nothing less from me: this is yet ANOTHER example of how a happy medium works to make life a little bit easier.

Maybe I'm completely wrong here, but I doubt it... It seems to me that most ANY extreme is a sexual turn off to the vast majority of people out there, male or female, gay or straight.

Look... I USED to be REALLY fat. It was no surprise at the time that very few dudes were into me. I had no one to blame but myself. Now, I can't be considered fat at all. I AM stocky, but not "stocky" as used commonly online as a euphemism for "fat!" SOME guys aren't into anyone who is "stocky." They want ONLY slender, skinny guys. No problem. They won't hook up with me! But MOST guys are FINE with a guy who is more or less "average." A few pounds or an imperfect body isn't a big deal to them. And of course, there are men who LIKE stocky men. I'm one of those guys. I like dudes with some meat on their bones.

Consider other examples, too... Men with REALLY long hair. Men with REALLY long beards. Men with hundreds of tattoos. Men who are extremely overweight or extremely emaciated. Men who wear seriously UGLY clothes. Men who bathe every OTHER day. Men who drink too much or smoke dope every ten minutes. Men with extreme fetishes that will not allow for satisfying sex of any sort which does NOT include their fetish. Men who are deeply into the gay "scene" (pick ANY gay scene you want, there are dozens). Men who are overly-masculine, seeming to compensate for something by pretending to be more butch than they really are. Men who are just the opposite: flaming and femme.

While there certainly are exceptions, and it IS true that there is someone who will be into each and every extreme, it is ALSO true, based on my experience and what others have shared with me, that MORE men are simply into other men who are pretty much "average."

The search for normalcy when seeking sexual partners is something that is NOT politically incorrect nor should it be discounted just because it is more "vanilla." It is, in fact, a biologically rooted part of the human condition. We spread our seed and give up our eggs to those partners we see as MOST suitable. We don't generally fuck our brothers and sisters or cousins because this will result in some deformed babies -- and that's not good for natural selection or survival of the fittest. This is all mostly accomplished on an unconscious level, though. When we are simply looking around for sex, we make compromises all the time -- so take heart at that.

The thing is, dude... I think most men would accept a happy medium when it comes to the piercings. If you have a zillion bits of metal in your face... you have to understand that not everyone will see this as attractive. And let's face it: piercings of this sort are a personal statement -- most folks with lots of piercings KNOW they are drawing attention to themselves. So you have to decide: do you still WANT this attention? Because if you do, you HAVE to accept the good with the bad. SOME dudes will LIKE it, but probably MORE will not.

What do you want more? To keep your piercings, or to appeal to a wider range of men? THAT choice is yours alone to make.

I am not into obese dudes. But I like meaty guys. I am not into drug addicts, but I don't mind if a dude has a few drinks or wants to smoke a joint now and then. I am not into a body covered in tattoos, but a few of them can be attractive. I am not into men who never bathe, but I like a guy who smells like a guy and it isn't a big deal if I meet up with him after he's had a long day at work. I'm not into muscle studs, but I sure don't mind a guy with some definition. I'm not into exploring extreme fetishes that detract from my own sexual pleasure, but I'm completely cool with indulging a few fantasies now and then, even if they aren't something I'd have thought of on my own.

You get the picture. A happy medium.

You also need to find a good happy medium when it comes to discussing potential sex with a guy. If you start out with something extreme right away, he may decide it is too much effort, or it simply may not be his cup of tea. Try for a more moderate approach, at least until you know who you are dealing with. Be willing to put aside some of the fantasy scenes and try out some basic kinds of sex. Eventually, you'll run into someone who wants to mess around with something closer to what you have in mind. And don't forget, too... quite often you need a LOT of trust and comfort with a partner to get into some heavy duty shit. People who are into serious SM/BD work at it and generally have partners who share their desires. You don't just jump in feet first. You can't expect an awful lot from a stranger EVERY time, but you just might be surprised someday.

Patience, man...

As for the old "hand on the crotch" method of saying hello that you mentioned... yes, this is acceptable... and no, it is not. It all depends on the circumstance and the place. If you do this in a bookstore or bathhouse, odds are that PROBABLY the worst that will happen is that your hand is firmly removed and you are rejected in such a manner. But if you do this in a public park and you do it to the wrong guy... let's just say that some of your piercings might be removed in a manner which is not very pleasant. So be careful. The general rule of thumb is to watch the local cruisers and do what they do, more or less. Sometimes you can be blatant -- sometimes you must be subtle. Observe. You'll figure it out.

Build up your ego: you'll need to rely on it often. Cruising isn't for those who are easily offended or take things too personally. But don't be mad at yourself if you ever feel unjustly slighted: it's OK to feel whatever you need to feel, as long as you can learn to keep those feelings on a more superficial level -- and learn from them.

Communicate your desires, but be mindful of the other guy's desires. Don't say too much at first. You need to LEARN about the other guy and at the same time, teach him about you.

Consider anonymous cruising in bookstores and baths if you want some dick and don't want to bother with additional bullshit. Just be careful.

Realize that your appearance matters -- but sexual desire ALONE should not be reason enough to change that which you LIKE about yourself. If you look in the mirror and are happy, so be it. Fuck anyone else who doesn't like how you look. But... if you're getting bored or frustrated with your piercings... get rid of some of them. See how you feel without them, if you so choose. You can certainly keep piercings that won't be seen until you take your clothes off, and which can be used for sexual play. The good thing about piercings is that you can enjoy them for as long as you want, then change your style with no effort: they come right out and heal over quickly.

And while I HATE anything "trendy," and do like to consider myself somewhat of a non-conformist, I've realized as I get older that I can retain my individuality while NOT being obnoxious about it. YOU are what is INSIDE, not what you look like outside. This is most important to remember. The sad fact is, when trying to just get your rocks off, you have to keep in mind that OTHER people FIRST see the outside. They may not be turned on by that. If they got to know you, they might not see anything BUT the man you are inside -- but this takes time, and you STILL have to get them passed their initial preconceived perceptions.

I'm betting you already knew almost all of this, but you needed someone to tell you anyway, right? Sometimes we just need some confirmation of our suspicions.

So there you go.

Hope that helps.

Good luck.

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The inflatable butt plug: I am not sure it goes all the way to the prostate, but it sure does help to stretch you a bit. ( I think I would need another type toy to be able to reach the prostate)

As for the fantasy: I have more fantasies, however if I were to have generic sex, I would be fine with it too.

I understand about not being too specific: that does make a lot of sense.

And the give and take... I understand that, but I have a few questions:

Since I have never had a guy insert his cock into my ass, isn't it going to be difficult the first time (even with me trying to stretch my ass with the inflatable butt plug)? And if that is true, then how can I let a guy know it might need some work before he can get into me?
On that note, I'd also like to put my cock into a guy's ass, but since I am inexperienced at it, I wouldn't want to ruin a good time by me not knowing exactly how to make the guy feel good and make sure that I can get my cock into him without causing him pain.

(I read one of your other posts about safer sex, so a condom would be a the way I'd go with it)

Which brings me to another question: Considering how many things a person can catch from having sex, it seems to me that the only way you can really have sex without any problems is to have anal with a condom: any other form of sex (a blowjob, kissing, etc) have a potential of transmitting diseases - right? I do not want to seem like a negative person, but I'd rather be set on the right path, than to be constantly worried I'd end up getting something because I didn't know better.


As far as my fantasies ever being fulfilled... I am going to hold onto those fantasies, but keep them in the back of my mind and look for things that are more common.

A big problem of mine, is that I do not know how to find a guy (even at bars, etc: The only reason I mentioned a bar, is because I thought that would be the easiest place to find a guy- and would be the easiest place to start a converstaion with them. But, on the other hand, I am still uncertain when a guy is showing interest in me. If I am supposed to be getting a signal, I am missing it, and I have to learn to catch those signals.)


As far as trying other areas other than bars, I have never been to a bathhouse, but I would be willing to try it out. But, along with anonymous sex, is there a way to keep it safe, or is it a gamble?

Your paragraph about not being special.. I read that and that could easily apply to myself as well. (A friend of mine has told me I look like a biker bear, so I can see how this might limit me from hooking up with some guys not into biker bears, or guys that resemble them)

While I do have a few piercings, most of them are genital piercings(as well as having my nipples pierced). I do have some ear piercings and my tongue pierced, that is as much as I have facially.




Thanks!

__________________
I wish my fantacies would come true. (located in "Dirty Stories: Instant Jackoff Material" area)

Do you have what it takes to make my fantasies come true?

Quote |

You're asking a few new questions that are not within my realm of expertise. I can't draw on PERSONAL experience to provide a response, but I can certainly give you general information based on what I've learned from other men.

It would be cool if some guys here would give you THEIR take on a few things, too. I provided a "lengthy post disclaimer" so as to avoid boring those who are uninterested, but that doesn't mean this is a private conversation!

So, OK... the butt plug... You don't need to reach in very far to touch the prostate. A finger-length ought to do it. Though I didn't pay attention to the dimensions of the butt plug, all but the smallest ones I have ever seen would be able to give the old prostate a good tap.

It's interesting to me because for years I avoided allowing anyone to touch my ass or give pleasure through prostate manipulation. I kind of think that for a while, when I was younger especially, this portion of sex was reserved ONLY for "bottom" guys. Also, it had always been MY job to play with someone else's prostate. Then I met a dude who just sort of did it to me, but he did it with the fore-knowledge that it was new to me, so he was gentle. I discovered a NEW sexual stimulation. And it dawned on me that there was NO good reason NOT to enjoy this if I so choose. I've always loved having OTHER parts of my body sexually stimulated (I like being touched anywhere), so why not this, too? It didn't feel shameful at all, it just felt good.

So I think it's cool that you are receptive to this and interested in it; yet I think you might want to browse the web for a few online diagrams of internal male anatomy so you are more familiar with the location of things!

Anyway... it's pretty unlikely that you are going to be able to stretch your sphincter by repeated at-home play with a butt plug or other toy. Your sphincter muscles are EXTREMELY resilient: they aren't going to get loose and easy to penetrate from toys. In fact, lots of anal sex isn't going to stretch you out that much, either. Granted, there ARE some bottom guys who can take a telephone pole up their ass like a champ after years of play -- but even then, the sphincter muscles still close tightly and usually don't ever get damaged.

What you CAN accomplish, however, is becoming used to the sensations involved. You'll learn how to relax your ass more, you'll have a good idea of at least what to expect, though I'm rather certain a real life dick is going to feel different from a smallish butt plug! You know... you're cooking up a stew and you taste a little gravy on the spoon. It seems good, but when you sit down to eat a plate of it you find it needs a little more salt than you thought.

As for how to communicate the fact that you need a man to go slow and easy with you... well, you just have to COMMUNICATE this! There's no secret code or finger salute or clubhouse door knock that will tell a guy this -- YOU have to do it. Bring it up in conversation prior to the fact. I'm going to imagine it would not only be unpleasant for you if an experienced top rams the hell out of you, but probably it won't be so great for the top if he finds that you aren't enjoying it or that your ass is clamping down involuntarily in an effort to stop him if it hurts.

What does a bottom guy want when it comes to YOUR dick in HIS ass? Again... you'd have to ask him. Individual tastes vary. There are dudes who want to be made love to slowly and passionately. There are dudes who want to be forced and aggressively fucked. And everything in between. You'll need a learning curve and a period of time to decide what YOU like best -- and then you'll need to find men who are receptive to that (or be willing yourself to try something new and see what you think of it).

Your safe sex questions are incredibly complex. I can't possibly type in an entire safe sex lecture again right now. There is a vast wealth of information here on the CFS boards, and a great archive post about oral sex safety. Learning about safer sex isn't necessarily something you do overnight. While it is certainly possible to say, read a book about it, study, and take a test the next day, this is information that you need to more or less just carry with you at all times. It's not like remembering the dates required for a history exam -- you can forget those after the test is over, at least until finals roll around.

Different sexual activities carry different levels of risk and the potential to infect you with different STDs. An extreme example of how hard it is to pinpoint EVERY possibility would go something like this:

Kissing is extremely LOW RISK for HIV. Almost, in fact, to the point of being NEARLY impossible. But it is NOT completely impossible. In VERY, VERY rare circumstances -- EXTREMELY rare circumstances, HIV can be passed via kissing IF AND ONLY IF MULTIPLE VARIABLE CONDITIONS EXIST. And then, IF AND ONLY IF all these conditions come together in just the wrong way to let it happen. In the real world, this is virtually a theoretical impossibility. Consequently, we tend to say that kissing is "safe." And it is. If HIV were spread through kissing and easily spread through oral activities... there'd be a LOT more of it around (not that there isn't enough already, but you get the idea).

Conversely, anal sex without a condom is EXTREMELY HIGH risk for HIV infection. Lots of variables still must come into play, but the physical act of unprotected anal sex makes these variables MORE likely to occur. Yet at the same time, not every act of unprotected anal sex with an infected partner results in infection of the other partner.

If you are standing in the middle of the highway on the Chicago Loop, it is highly likely that you'll get run over before rush hour is through. But if you are standing in the middle of the highway in Tonopah, Nevada, you might be able to lay down and take a short nap long before the next vehicle comes through.

The same basic situation exists, but the variables have changed. One situation is more dangerous than the other.

I have personally stopped in rural Nevada to urinate and did not see another vehicle for a good half hour after the fact. I've also been on the Chicago Loop and fought my way through a maze of traffic at midnight and also witnessed a vehicle on fire in the breakdown lane.

Something completely outrageous and unforeseen may have happened to me in Nevada while peeing by the side of the road. Maybe I stood too close to the nearest cholla cactus and a rattlesnake bit my balls. A variable I had not planned on. Practically impossible, for many reasons: rattlesnakes don't just attack, they aren't very active in the heat of the day in the middle of the desert, I would know enough to NOT stand near a conspicuous spot, it's almost impossible for a rattlesnake to reach my balls, etc.

We are placed into dangerous and potentially life threatening situations EVERY single day of our lives. We've used this analogy many times in safe sex discussions. A drunk driver might kill you in your car when you are going to the store to buy some ice cream. But probably not. Yet if YOU are driving drunk yourself, you might get killed without the intervention of anyone else: smashing into a concrete barrier will accomplish this very quickly. But you KNOW it isn't smart to drink and drive, so you don't do it. You've taken a step to protect yourself by doing the right thing. You still cannot discount ALL the variables and avoid OTHER drunk drivers, but you do your best. And for most of us, doing our best is enough to protect ourselves.

You need to adopt your own level of risk for sexual activities which makes you comfortable. We've used this statement many times here, too.

I can't write a list of everything you can get from every possible sexual act: that list is far too long and contains too many "ifs" to be of much practical use (more or less). You can get herpes from kissing, and that lasts for the rest of your life. But variables come into play: it won't happen every single time you kiss someone else who already has it. You can get the clap from sucking dick, but the dick you are sucking has to be infected with it first. You can get crabs (not a disease, but a parasitic annoyance) from doing practically nothing at all. You can get HIV from fucking, but even MORE variables come into play when it comes to HIV. Top or bottom, condom or no condom, rough or easy, viral load level of an infected partner, OTHER diseases an infected partner may have that makes him able to transmit HIV from blood more easily, OTHER STDs YOU may have which make it easier for you to accept a new virus, if a condom breaks or not, if you use the wrong lube which makes a condom more likely to break, the requirement that one partner IS, in fact, infected to begin with (obviously). On and on and on...

This is why I reject all purported "odds" for each individual sex act, as we recently discussed in another thread.

HOWEVER... this does NOT mean that we can't at least get an IDEA of what is more risky and what is less risky. In fact, such lists of sexual risk have existed for a long time and can be useful on an INDIVIDUAL BASIS so that we may come up with our own acceptable level of risk.

Science is an attempt to explain the world around us in a way in which we can understand more easily. Science often uses equations and formulas and a set of RULES which govern existence in order to do this. If we discover something which breaks a certain rule or law, we realize we need to modify that law, or re-examine another law, or re-evaluate our data. Sometimes science is cut and dry: this particular rule or law ALWAYS works -- we have NEVER seen it violated in the known Universe. Other times, rules and laws are more ambiguous, having multiple parameters which can be bent when necessary in order to accommodate that which baffles us still.

What you need to know from all of this babble is that calculations are subject to change. The best we can do is absorb as much information as possible and structure our actions along the path that allows for the safest journey.

You said you want to be set on the right path -- this you must choose for yourself, but always with the knowledge that what YOU do can affect others as well. So... let your sexual activities be pleasurable for you, as this is a wonderful part of being a human, but at the same time try to keep some altruistic advantage in the back of your mind, too.

Your fantasies: there's nothing wrong with them, of course. You seem to have a handle on all that. Like you said -- be willing to try more common things, but there is no reason why you should ever have to give up your fantasies. You just may enjoy them someday.

Finding a guy in general -- well, that's also up to you. This is something you learn by DOING. What works for me may not work for you. Places I go may not be comfortable to you. The more you do something, the easier it becomes most of the time. WHERE you go will also depend on the area you have to work with, as we discussed.

Picking up the signals -- that's another learned skill. Many guys will do more than just give a signal: they'll make SURE you know they are interested. But yes, some guys are shy. THEY want to be approached. They'll give a look or a gesture or play a little body language game and hope YOU are the one to respond. It can be very different each and every time, or it can be the same old thing over and over. WATCH what goes on around you. The more you OBSERVE, the more you'll learn. A bar environment is different from a bathhouse, but in both places men can use similar cruising techniques, too. In a bar, there's more likely to be discussion over drinks. In a bathhouse, it's pretty much sex after a fleeting glance. Yet neither is exclusive to the other.

Perhaps it is true that maybe there is a SLIGHT degree of higher risk that comes from anonymous bathhouse sex, but I've argued this before. Men who go to bars also sometimes go to the baths and vice versa. Men with STDs go to bars, men with STDs go to baths. YES, "whores" may frequent the tubs more often, PERHAPS. I guess it just depends. In a bar, you can more easily ASK a guy if he has an STD, but he can lie about it. Or he may not even KNOW he has something. Or he may genuinely believe he does NOT have anything, but he caught something two weeks ago since his last testing and has no clue. He tries to be honest, IS honest to the best of his knowledge, but... Oops. You can ask a guy in the baths, too -- but talking is often more restricted. Does it matter, given the possibilities discussed above? Probably not.

This is why it is up to YOU and you alone to protect YOURSELF no matter WHAT cruising venue you happen to be exploring. And this is also why you need to adopt your own acceptable level of risk and do your best to stick with it.

As for the whole "not being special" thing -- that shouldn't be taken too literally. What I meant was that I am not the pluperfect example of a gay god stereotype such as you might see in movies or images downloaded from UseNet. For men who are into a specific type, I may not be suitable for these guys. But I most certainly believe I AM quite special indeed.

Even my moniker here is a bit misleading. I'm not a "true" cub in a stereotypical sense, but it's probably the closest euphemism to describe me by APPEARANCE ONLY. I AM, however, usually scruffy most of the time!

It would be a lie to say that we do not first pick our potential sexual partners based on looks -- we do. But sometimes, if we develop a relationship, looks may be less important the more we get to know someone.

As I mentioned, sometimes we "allow" a guy to have some sort of sex with us but we aren't completely INTO him -- and probably more often than not, one partner is into another more than the other is into him. It happens.

I've met a few guys that at first I felt only "halfway" attracted to. But as I got to know them more, even if it was only for casual, no-strings sex, I began to LIKE them and respect them more than I thought I might. So maybe there's a dude that at first I didn't want to kiss... but then I realized that I'm seeing his INNER self come through a lot more than I did at first -- and the notion of kissing him becomes more appealing. So I do!

There will plenty of guys who are into "biker bear" types. Or whatever you want to consider yourself to be. And there will be a few who might want to give you a shot even if they wouldn't pick you as a "first choice." It's up to you to decide if you don't mind being a second choice -- provided you even KNOW you are a second choice! That guy who gives something new a try just might discover that he likes it and likes it A LOT.

Your piercings we have already discussed. These are a personal thing -- it's your choice to keep them, ditch them, or keep some and ditch others. You also have the choice of removing the more conspicuous ones for a night out on the town and replacing them later. Your call.

Sexual forums like CFS and many others have survived for so long because it is a subject that intrigues everyone. I've been doing this shit for years, man. The same questions come up over and over again, but there are always new ones, too. That's why I like it so much, and why I enjoy spending my time pounding the hell out of the keyboard. I LOVE SEX. I love talking about it, I love reading about it, I love finding out what OTHER guys feel about it.

Your questions and curiosity are MORE than healthy. You just need to keep in mind that sex is an extremely subjective topic. That's a rather obvious statement, you would think, but in all the years I've been doing this stuff, I've run into a lot of folks who think that there is always a definitive answer to their particular question. This is not true. FACTS are facts, of course, but sex is NOT static: it is highly fluid and changes each and every time. Everyone likes different things, but we also often find that there are majorities which exist, too. It doesn't matter if you are into something that most everyone likes or if you want something very, very different.

What matters is that you enjoy your sexuality. Sex shouldn't be cause for stress. Even when I bitch and whine about assholes I have met... I don't let it bother me for long. Sex is supposed to feel GOOD. It's supposed to be a way for two people to communicate on another level of intimacy that surpasses others.

Have fun with it. Enjoy the new experiences that await you. New things are only new ONCE. Don't let moments slip away if you can help it. Appreciate that which is good, let go of that which is not.

Play safely and have fun.

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Ok, about the butt plug..

So far, I haven't been able to hit the prostate with it ( I have even tried using my fingers) - but as far as I know, I haven't hit it yet. I'll check online and see if I can get a better idea where the prostate is (and maybe I can aim the plug or my finger to hit it)


You also mention communicating about going slow the first time, as well as finding out what he wants too. Without ruining the mood, what would be a good time to discuss this? (I'd hate to ask about it, and realize it put the skids to potenitally good evening)

One thing you hit the nial on the head with is your comment "Sex shouldn't be cause for stress." (however, I do tend to stress about it: I do have to learn how not to)


Thanks Again!

__________________
I wish my fantacies would come true. (located in "Dirty Stories: Instant Jackoff Material" area)

Do you have what it takes to make my fantasies come true?

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When to discuss sexual needs and make requests... It's all up to you, dude. Unless he brings it up first...

When is a good time in ANY type of conversation to bring up something that might be a bit difficult? Hard to say. Every conversation, situation and circumstance is going to be unique. Getting what you desire is a skill. It may require a lot of finesse, depending on the other guy, or it may require no effort at all and can be accomplished as easily as just stating the facts. You may want to work on manipulating someone to best suit your sexual needs, or you may consider the notion of "manipulation" to be distasteful and prefer to choose an easier route: speak the truth and hope for the best.

For ME personally... I do not like to try to manipulate anyone. I say what I want. If a guy isn't into it, that's that. I would not be stimulated sexually if I had to "convince" some dude that my way is the only way and that he will learn to enjoy it. What if he doesn't? We both leave unhappy. I'd rather START with someone who is into what I like best. Yet even this doesn't work each and every time: sometimes two guys are NOT compatible and there is not much that can be done about it. Worse... sometimes it APPEARS that two men will get along very well and when push comes to shove (pun intended), it turns out that the situation was nothing at all like what either one expected.

If you are in a bar, for example, a bit of casual conversation and "get to know you" dialogue is pretty much standard and expected. Probably most of the time, you wouldn't sit down over drinks with a dude and immediately start talking about your sexual needs without getting a good feel for his level of interest. While it is generally true that in most gay bars there is this sort of "meat rack" mentality, and many guys tend NOT to just hang out and spend all night talking with a dude if they no sexual interest, it is also true that sometimes you will just run into someone who is being socially friendly with no ulterior motive. In other words, not EVERY dude who talks to you wants to get you into bed -- but probably MOST of them do. It's up to you to work on picking up those signals. Some men are subtle about it, some men are frightened and won't even approach you, hoping that YOU make the first move, and others are much, much bolder -- walking right over, grabbing your crotch and asking what you feel like doing with your dick at that particular moment!

And also... the nearer it is to last call, coupled with the level of drunkenness of the men around you, may result in multiple last-minute attempts at going home with SOMEONE.

This can actually be pretty funny. A guy who has watched you all night long but never made a move, realizing it is now ten minutes before closing time, and feeling the effects of his last three guzzled 7 And 7s, may suddenly discover he has a lot more nerve than he did when he arrived earlier that evening!

In a cruising location that is not as social, the game changes somewhat. Men meet up and have sex with as little as a fleeting glance to indicate a desired partner. Probably it is more likely that in a public park (just for example), you wouldn't have to worry much about having that "My ass is really tight, dude..." discussion. Things may be limited to a fast blowjob in the bushes and that's about it. But if you were to find yourself in a situation which escalates into something heavier... you'd just have to make a last-minute decision, saying whether or not you are ready for this kind of sex. If a guy tries to bend you over a railing to fuck you, and you don't feel ready for that... just stand up straight and politely create an excuse.

In a bookstore or bathhouse, the cruising hookup usually tends to start off easily enough, with two men noting an attraction between them and moving off to a more "private" location such as a booth or "changing room." Once there, things just happen naturally, more or less. If someone tries something you don't like, you need to say something. It's OK to speak in these places, but as a general rule it is kept to a minimum. But there's no law which requires men to keep completely silent and accept any form of sex offered to them.

I can think of numerous situations where I've met a dude in a cruising location not knowing exactly what he wanted. For me, it usually starts with a guy sucking my dick, which is fine. If he attempts something more, I simply tell him if it is OK or not. Sometimes a guy will accept what I am offering, other times he'll smile and part company to seek out a guy who can give him what I will not. That's life. No hard feelings. I would go so far as to say that RARELY have I ever encountered a dude who is pissed off about some sexual incompatibility in a cruising venue. Most men KNOW the unwritten rules: sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, most of the time you find out what each guy wants AS you get into it, not before. No problem.

Meeting someone online, I ALWAYS make it abundantly clear what I want. Especially since most of the time I'm inviting someone to MY place. I don't want to deal with having a guy over who is under the wrong impression. It's unfair to both of us, as well as a waste of time, to have someone drive over here, meet me, then tell me he requires some form of sex that I am not into. Then there's that whole problem of politely turning him down, sending him home, and both of us ending up frustrated. Best to just discuss things FIRST and do my best to make everything as clear as I can.

Yet even THIS doesn't always work, dude. I've posted TONS of complaints about guys who simply do NOT get it. Either they are incredibly STUPID and just don't understand, or they think they can provide four minutes of something I enjoy and THEN start to pressure me for something else. I think these guys believe that once they are THERE in person, I won't have the balls to boot their sorry asses out the door. In other words, I believe they are aiming for pity sex or sex by guilt. They are wrong, of course -- and face a drive home with aching balls for being so presumptuous. Also... sometimes a guy actually DOES think he knows what I want, and he truly WANTS to do what I've suggested -- but we find out too late that our notions of the very same sex act are VASTLY different and it just doesn't work out.

Here's a story I have wanted to share which serves as a good example:

I run into some dude online last week. He says he loves sucking dick. He wants a guy he can suck every night of the week if possible. He also happens to live ten minutes away from me. He says he's been looking for a man who is into no-strings sex on a regular basis. He says he LOVES another guy to tell him what he wants and that he'll do ANYTHING to please a man. He says he is an EXPERT cocksucker and loves to worship dick.

Gee, sounds perfect for me, right? Yeah, right...

So he asks if he can call me from his cell phone for directions once he gets near my place, but says he knows the area and shops at a store right near me all the time. I give him driving directions and tell him to call when he gets nearby.

Moments later, the phone rings. He called me from HIS driveway as he's leaving. He wants to talk for the entire ride over here, it seems. As he's talking, he's got a Celine Dion CD blasting on his stereo at the same time. Celine is telling us that she's our lady. Nice... He's shouting into the phone. I knew IMMEDIATELY that this was a mistake, but I didn't know how to tell him that I was sure it wasn't going to work out based on the fact that he was ignorant enough to play a CD while talking on his cell phone. I mean... that doesn't have anything to do with sex, but... I just KNEW it was going to be awful.

So on this ten minute drive, he has managed to tell me all about his job, his ex-wife, his two daughters, the white trash he rented property to before they burned it down, half his life story, as well as details about every traffic signal he was at and every SPEED BUMP he drove over.

Ugh.

So, OK... he finally arrives and hangs up the phone as he parks. He walks in and starts telling me how this is so mysterious and hot, though I don't feel the same anymore since I now know his Mother's name, date of birth and maybe her Social Security number based on our previous conversation. There isn't much mystery left, but OK... Before anything happens at all, he tells me that I can have him EVERY night if I want. He is THAT much into sucking dick.

THEN he tells me that he's glad I'm masculine. This way, he says, he can have me over to dinner at his house and I can meet his two daughters.

Whoa... This is "no strings" sex? I tell him that we should just take it slow for now, and I wish I could physically kick myself in the ass for having agreed to ANY of this. Maybe he makes a good pot roast, but I'm just not all that eager to go meet his children just now.

So then he starts "sucking" my dick. I think. I am not sure what he was doing, actually. It involved smashing his face down onto my cock and just kind of... I don't know. RESTING there or something. He didn't MOVE. AT ALL. I started to TELL him what to do, since he said he WANTED me to. And he doesn't respond. He just stays down there with his face on my dick. He mutters something about having me move his head for him. Oh, geez. Yeah, OK. So I grab his head and try my best to move it around my dick. He's resisting this, just pressing his face harder and harder down on to my crotch. Maybe he wants me to get rough, but I had told him I'm NOT into that. Or maybe he's just an idiot altogether. It's hard to say at this point.

This struggle goes on for about five minutes. I'm trying to move his head, he's not letting me. I'm trying to tell him what I want, he's ignoring me. I was NOT hard -- at ALL. This didn't feel good. It didn't feel like much of anything, actually. It felt like my dick was bathing in a warm tub of water, that was about it. It was the most NON-SEXUAL feeling I've ever had with another man's mouth on my dick.

And in a way, this was kind of cool, but only because I had THOUGHT I'd already experienced the WORST possible blowjob prior to this. I was wrong. It CAN get worse, and this guy proved it big time. This was, without a doubt, the single worst sexual experience of my entire life. I was amazed that someone could be THAT bad. After having my dick sucked thousands and thousands of time in my life, this guy showed me something new. Sex without the sex!

I tried fucking his mouth, for a minute, anyway, but he had reached up under me and had his arms wrapped around my ass and his hands on my legs. So I couldn't really move at all. I wanted this mouth OFF my dick more than anything.

Finally, he lays down on the floor for a minute and tells me he's "exhausted." From what, I don't know. I thought perhaps he had fallen asleep on my dick for a while there. He says he needs to "take five."

I light a cigarette and ponder what to say to get him the hell OUT of my house.

At this point he says: "You can have this every single night if you want it."

I swear to God, man. He SAID this!

I am at a loss for words. Yes... ME! Can you believe it? Look at what a fucking BIGMOUTH I am! I had NO response for this, except for the obviously rude one that was in my mind at the time. But I couldn't bring myself to say it to him.

I mutter something about maybe he should move his head around on my dick if he wants me to get hard. He says: "I'm not leaving until I eat your cum. I'll stay all night and shower with you in the morning before work if I have to."

Perhaps this was the most horrifying thing I'd ever heard in my life, except for maybe: "It puts the lotion in the basket..."

I tell him to get back up and actually SUCK my dick. He just lays there on the floor. Finally I said: "Maybe we should finish this up another evening, huh?"

Thankfully, he says that's a good idea. He gets up and walks to the bathroom door. I tell him where the light is, and then realize he thought this was the door to the outside. Confused, he turns around and opens the door to my closet and walks halfway inside before realizing there's no stars and moon overhead in there. "Dude, the door is over here," I tell him, pointing.

I didn't smell any booze on the dude, so I'm thinking crack or meth was involved here, possibly. While this notion gets me sick, that maybe a drug addict is in my home, I am also HOPING he is fucked up on something. I mean... a human being can't be THAT stupid and NOT be on drugs, right?

He starts to leave WITHOUT his shoes, but I was quick to hand them to him.

I have never been so relieved to get rid of someone in my life.

So, I figure for SURE that he had a rotten experience, too. I am quite certain I'll never hear from him again, and I'm thankful for that.

Two days later, he sends me a message online.

I honestly didn't know what to do. I had to ignore him. I couldn't imagine having ANY sort of conversation with this guy. And I sure as hell was NOT going to give him another chance.

So, Micron, do understand that this is an EXTREME example. It is not always THIS bad, I promise you that.

But you DO need to expect the unexpected. No matter HOW much talking you do, no matter how clear you make things for someone, no matter how much they tell you they GET IT and want the same thing as you do... you just MIGHT get surprised.

Probably not, though, so don't freak out about it.

Look at it all as a new adventure, dude. The most IMPORTANT thing is to have fun with it.

And hey, even though the story above was awful to experience in real life, it became IMMEDIATELY hysterical the minute I closed and locked the door on my departing guest.

How could I NOT laugh at this? Being pissed off about it would serve no useful purpose at all. It was much more fun and productive to laugh about it. And I swear, man... I DID laugh. My dog thought I was nuts, I think.

If you keep the right frame of mind, you won't feel bad if something doesn't work out. You'll just chalk it up to experience, enjoy the little adventure, and maybe get a good chuckle out of it.

Or you might end up meeting a dude who is VERY much into what you want and you have some fantastic sex that has you drooling for more.

Say what's on your mind, dude. When it FEELS right to say it, just say it. If you can't decide WHEN it is the right time to say something, just go ahead and say it anyway. If the time happens to be right, you'll get the appropriate response from the guy. If the time is wrong... you'll find that out, too.

I have almost never run into a gay dude who is offended by sex talk, no matter where or when it enters into a discussion.

I mean, just some common sense is all that is needed. If you meet a guy in a bar and he's telling you about his Mother's hip replacement surgery and how he has to change her surgical dressing once a day, odds are good that now is not the best time to say: "That's nice. So... will you fuck my asshole nice and slow with your big dick, dude?"

Just segue into the topic of sex when it becomes obvious that it's OK to do so. Generally speaking, this is VERY easy to do. Most guys just go for the old standard: "So, what are you into, man?" Then take it from there and get into details later. Or... "Are you a top or a bottom?" This tends to set the stage nicely. You get the idea...

As for the old prostate... Lay on your back in a comfortable position. Slide a finger or sex toy into your ass. When you feel a strong sensation in your dick, you are pretty much there. If you can be erect and jerking off as you do this, you'll feel it easier. You WILL feel a sensation just from entering the anus, but when you nail the prostate it is pretty hard NOT to know it. Another good indicator -- if pressed gently but firmly, you can quite often feel seminal fluids traveling right into your dick. It feels like your cum is being pushed down your cock, more or less.

Hope you got a laugh from the story. I know I did. I wanted to share that, and your post provided a good excuse to do so.

And finally... I apologize. Maybe not a lot of other guys are reading all of this because I wrote VERY specifically and JUST for you. I hope that didn't cause anyone else to NOT respond.

Remember, dude... these are just MY opinions. Feel free to listen to what other guys have to say, too. Gather up the things that make most sense to you and go for what the ideas that make you most comfortable.

And while doing that, by all means -- be YOURSELF. You'll create your own style of doing things which suits your personality.

There is no ONE perfect way to go about any of this. There are generalities which see often, and we can learn from that, but it's important to be who you are.

See ya, dude!

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I think the same way: be honest and do not try to manipulate. (besides, I would hope a guy would be honest with me too, instead of trying to manipulate me )

I will have to get used to the different situations. (though, getting to go home with a guy sounds VERY appealing to me - more than a quick run to the bushes. Not saying I would deny a quick blowjob: I would just hope to have a bit more time with a guy)

( maybe I am a bit paranoid, but I would be a bit uncomfortable trying to get a blowjob in a public area- mainly because I'd be worried about getting caught by someone)


I am amazed at the terrible experience you had. Sounds like being a quick thinker (and being prepared with an excues) would be a very good idea - that way, I'd have some emergency exit if I need one.


( you mention top or bottom... Because of my lack of experience, I cannot say for sure which one I would want to be/do more. Would it be a good idea just to say I'm versatile, and if asked, go into detail?)

And for the prostate.. I am guessing I will have to get a toy that is curved a bit (so it might hit the prostate): I have tried the inflatable plug many times (between only insereting it as far as it can go and moving it around in there, to keep pushing it in and pulling it out while jerking off) - neither times have I felt anything or noticed (unless I was jerking off) fluids going into my dick.

(maybe I just need some practice at this: I will try what you have suggested too)



And, being who I am is something I prefer to do: I would rather be liked for who I am, than to be someone I am not.

Thanks Again! (and sorry for the very late reply)

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I wish my fantacies would come true. (located in "Dirty Stories: Instant Jackoff Material" area)

Do you have what it takes to make my fantasies come true?

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Are you still here?

Just kidding. There's no time limit on responses, and frankly... all conversations have to end sometime.

Since we've pretty much covered Gaydom from top to bottom (pun intended) here, this will be short.

Sure, I think it's a good idea to maybe characterize yourself as versatile and then take it from there with a more detailed discussion as each situation warrants.

I also think it's wise to simply be cautious in more public-type areas. For some, the thrill of possibly being caught adds to the excitement. For others, privacy and safety make for a hotter time. I've enjoyed both aspects of this: now and then, a more risky area can be a lot of fun, but I also love to be able to relax more and get into it without any worry. So... as I often suggest... maybe a little of each. Or stick with whatever works for you.

As far as bad encounters I've had... Well, I'm not sure if this is actually as common as I suspect it is, if I simply have some really bad luck, or if I am so fucking fussy about what another guy does to my dick that I more or less create less than satisfying encounters all by myself. Probably a little bit of everything.

But I don't think it's anything to worry about, overall. Bad sex happens. So does great sex. Sometimes... NO sex! For me, even the really bad encounters have their own sort of... um... charm, I guess. Mostly because I get to laugh about it later. And quite frankly, sometimes the sheer stupidity of some guys is fascinating to me. Though I often enjoy complaining about idiocy, I must admit that life would get rather boring without it! So just put a smile on your face and accept whatever happens, even if that smile is only visible to you in your rear-view mirror as you race away as fast as you can from a really awful experience!

A good cache of ready-to-roll excuses isn't a bad idea, though sometimes it can be a fun challenge to come up with something spontaneous and on the fly. I'll admit that I've dipped into bag of a few standard excuses from time to time, when it seems like I just can't be bothered with something new and creative. But since you said you like to keep yourself honest, that's a great idea. Truth be told, I like to be as honest as I can, too. Yet I also don't go out of my way to hurt someone's feelings. More often than not, I simply say: "Let's take raincheck and finish this up another time." It's implied that there will NEVER be another time, but we both save face that way. Or else: "This just isn't working out for me tonight. I think I'm too tired. I'm sorry." This gets the point across without deviating from the truth all that much.

That whole prostate thing isn't my area of expertise, I'm afraid. I know WHERE it is, I know how it feels when a guy massages my own prostate properly, I know what it does in the male body, all of that. But I think it's actually a bit more esoteric than just facts and physiological response.

I've had guys do an AWFUL job in this arena. There's some sort of way they touch a prostate that keeps a dick limp. You've probably seen this in porn films. Other times, they do something very RIGHT and can get a dick harder than hell. Still other times it's good for a while but eventually too much sensation kind of dulls things to the point of little sensation. Sometimes motion is good, sometimes it's nice to have just a steady pressure.

So I don't know, dude. I used to give my ex prostate massages all the time. Since he was one of the few and only men I've met who did NOT like to be sucked off, this was the only way to get him off if I wanted some dick. It seemed to work, and he never told me I was doing anything incorrectly, so I guess I was OK at it. I've done it for a few other guys since him, too, and also had no complaints, though this means nothing: some guys may have hated it but simply kept their mouth shut. When a guy does it to ME... sometimes it rocks, sometimes not.

It DOES seem, at least for me, that TOO much continuous massage can mess things up. Either losing some erection and not being as hard as I was to start, or else becoming overly stimulated and losing sensation. It also makes a difference for ME as to WHERE a guy focuses his attention on my dick if he's massaging my prostate at the same time. For example, if I start out soft and a dude messes with JUST the head of my dick and my prostate, I hate it. Feels like torture. If he strokes my dick and gets me nice and hard and takes his time, THEN he can work on the head. But that's just me, I imagine. Your results may vary.

And certainly while I have no objection to toys and playing at home and experimentation in general, I think the consensus out there is that it is always hotter if someone else is doing that for you and with you.

So have fun, play safe, keep your gas tank full in case you need to make a getaway, and by all means: be yourself, just as you want to be.

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Hi! (Im still here)

I went out one night recently. (I got messaged by a guy and I gave it a shot). His pic was a bit deceiving (adn I will get to that in a little bit). Here is how it all started:

I was checking the website I posted a profile on, and a guy mesaged me, asking me where I live (city wise), and he said he wasn't that far away. We exchanged a few messages, and I reminded him (in case he didn't see it in my profile) about the piercings and tattoos, and he said he was OK with them. I also made a point of telling him I do safe sex, and that I am disease free. He told me he was disease free too. (yeah: I was very quick to mention that, so that I didn't end up driving there to find out any surprises) ( I even mentioned my inexperience, and he was OK with that too)
After going and getting gas, I call him up (he gave me his ph# while we chatted online), and he gave me directions to his place. (he sounded ok) I even brought along some things along (and to be on the safe side - and to help with a mood if necessary - a video)

I get to his place, and then I realize that his pic on his profile was a bit misleading: the pic showed him from the side, but didnt show that he was roughly 300-400 pds: he was wearing a sweater that covered it well)

Anyways, I try to do the best I can. He said he just got out of the shower, yet strangely he had an odor (not cologne either)
So, we go to the bedroom, and i tell him of the tape, and he pops it in. And then, he wants me to kiss him and bite him (which I am able to do) then he wants me to be above him (I did my best to try and stay balanced so I didnt fall on him: being as big as he was, I had a difficult time trying to stay above him without falling on him. Each time he talked (saying do this, or do that) it made me go limp. And then he asks me what I like, and I told him I like my sac to be bumped a bit. What does he do? he smacks it lots, and grabs it to the point where I feel like my nuts are not feeling too well at all ( I thought one of the cords to my nuts was being ripped out). Still, I try to be nice.
I remembered what you said about seeing a guy for what's inside. I tried to do that a bunch, but, each time he started to talk (such as bite me harder, or are you ready to fuck me in the ass) it made me turn limp. Heck: even watching the tape, I would get hard, but as soon as I heard his voice, it made my cock limp. I felt bad about it, but there wasn't anything I could do. Then, I told him I was sorry (I tried for 2 thirds of the tape to try to get hard- and stay hard (but each time I heard his voice it went down).
He did ask me "well, would you mind jerking me off", and I was willing to do that. I was able to do it, however, with his wideness, I had a difficult time because I had to lean on one arm while using the other to jerk him off. My arms were getting numb from trying to lean up so I could reach his cock. I was able to make him cum, so I know at least I could jerk him off. (While I know the night didn't go the way it should have, at least he got jerked off).
When we (or should I say he) finished, he decided he wanted to talk to me, and then he starts going into a bunch of stuff, from when he does drag, to when he goes to fairs, etc. (he was done at about 6 am, and his conversation lasted until 7 am. )

So, that is how things went. I figured I would tell you.

__________________
I wish my fantacies would come true. (located in "Dirty Stories: Instant Jackoff Material" area)

Do you have what it takes to make my fantasies come true?

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WOW... Wild story, dude.

Unfortunately: been there, done that. Hated it, too.

Don't get discouraged, though. You'll have better encounters. Probably even some extremely GREAT encounters.

Funny... I wound up with a dude who once told me stories about how he "used to" do drag, too. He wasn't a femme-type guy, though probably a bit "in the middle." For me, however, drag is a huge turn off, so I was glad he never mentioned it until AFTER the sex had concluded or I would not have been able to get hard. I'd have been too busy trying to imagine what he looked like in a wig and heels, you know?

I don't have an awful lot of advice for you on this, buddy... but I did enjoy reading the story.

My own personal experience with online photos is to be wary of men who send ONLY one type of photo, be it face, body only, dick only, etc. Obviously, it's hard to tell from that. I send multiple images so a guy has a really good idea of exactly what he's getting. I hate awkward scenes and do my best to avoid them, though of course it's not possible to make everything perfect in advance, but at least I've done what I can.

At this point in my life, had I met the guy that you described in your story, I'd have left immediately, feeling deceived. However, it's no reflection on you for staying. I have caved in and gone through the motions MANY times and for MANY different reasons, so don't worry about it. We've all probably messed around with someone we didn't really want. It's just that nowadays... I can't do it anymore.

Some dudes gets pissed off at me because some of my online profiles can SORT OF make it seem that I'm ready, willing and able to give up my dick to anyone who asks. This is not the case. I want to talk to a guy for a while first and AT LEAST get a feel for him. I still like to keep it casual and more or less anonymous, but I've found that the less I know about a guy before meeting him, the more likely it is that I will be surprised with something that leads to a rotten experience.

After a summer of sparking nearly ZERO interest (or so it seemed) in any guys online, now suddenly I'm bombarded by messages from dudes all over town. I have NO IDEA why this is -- I think the change of seasons has a lot to do with it, honestly. This has drawbacks, though. I still want to TALK to them first, and many are too eager and want to do something RIGHT NOW, having no patience for a conversation. Others end up "nagging" me to the point where I'm turned off. Last night, I wanted to go talk to someone in a chat room and noticed three dudes in there who have been bugging me lately, so I didn't bother at all.

Here's two quick stories that might be of interest, similar to your own:

I met a dude online, had met him once before, long, long time ago. I knew he didn't remember me. So rather that invite him to my place and jog his memory further, I went to his place which was about a half mile away. I did this twice. He sucked me off both times. A decent blowjob. Nothing spectacular, but good enough to get me to return. The third time there, he suddenly gets bold and obnoxious. I should state that while he was an OK kind of guy, he was NOT a guy I'd care to be intimate with. I wouldn't want to kiss him, hug him, or reciprocate. He knew this BEFORE we met. I didn't insult him and tell him "you're only good enough to suck my dick," but I did tell him that I wanted ONLY a blowjob and nothing more.

I knew something was up when he had this mattress on the floor and had moved his coffee table from where it used to be to make room for this "love nest" mattress and blankets, etc. Previously I had just relaxed on his sofa while he sucked me. He ushers me to the mattress, and though I prefer to sit back and be sucked as opposed to laying down, I figured what the hell, make him happy. And then he lifts up my legs and tries and to climb on top of me, obviously thinking he was going to fuck me. Yecch. Ugh. And NO WAY. He was also aware that I do NOT fuck or get fucked, yet he tried anyway.

I had to kind of wrestle away from him at this point. He put up a mild struggle and was persistent. I did get away easily, though. Before struggling with him, however, I simply TOLD him that I don't get into this shit. When he didn't let me up after I verbally said to leave me alone, I got pissed and pushed him off me. I was fuming at this point. I swear I would have punched him right in the face except for the fact that I couldn't be sure he didn't have some weapon at his disposal. And, oddly enough, he had two adorable little dogs and for some strange reason, I felt as though I couldn't hurt their master, asshole or not. Weird, I know. So I just got dressed and left. He asked me to stay, apologized and said he'd just suck me off, but the moment was gone, that's for sure.

The second story is just as freaky.

A few months after my ex had left, I was, as you'd expect, despondent and depressed. I ran into a guy online who had hit on me before, but I'd always turned him down, having a partner and all. I told him my ex had left, said I was feeling blue and that I wanted a great blowjob to take my mind off my situation and so I could enjoy some sexual release.

I asked him to come to my place, but he suggested we meet at the bathhouse instead. I thought this was odd, but figured what the hell... maybe a night at the tubs would be fun even after he and I had parted company. So I drove to the bathhouse, paid my entrance fees, went to the room I always tried to rent if it was available, where I told the guy I'd be. We'd arranged that he'd look for me there first, and if someone else had the room, he would simply find me based on my photo.

So the dude arrives, and he's NOT what he said he was. But he wasn't repulsive or anything, so I figured "fine, let him suck me, we'll have some fun and I can hang out here for a while."

He comes into my room and shuts the door. We exchange a few words. I'm playing with my dick under my towel, which is draped over me. He takes the towel off and touches my dick for about two seconds. Then he starts talking more and more. Can't shut him up, in fact. By this time I'm limp and bored.

This guy is droning on and on, giving me counseling. He tells me he didn't REALLY come here to suck me off, he came here to TALK to me because I was sad. He was concerned I might kill myself because of my breakup. HUH? When did I say I was going to do that? I wanted, quite simply, to blow a load into his throat and just GET OFF. Killing myself wasn't on my schedule for that week, you know?

He tells me that he is a mentor and a counselor or whatever line of crap he was selling. He grabs my limp dick and says: "I can get THIS anywhere. I didn't come here for that. I came here for THIS, and THIS," touching my heart and my head.

Ugh.

And then... it got even worse. He start talking about GOD and JESUS and how I have to faith in "our Savior."

At this point, I thought it might not be a bad idea to ask Jesus for a favor and get this guy OUT of there, to be honest. But Jesus had another call at the time and I didn't feel like holding so I just left him some voice mail.

Meanwhile, I've got this dumb half-smile glued to my face and I'm pretending to be interested in what this guy is saying. I just kept thinking: "he's insane, don't get mad... he's insane, don't get mad..." I felt like my face was made out of Play-Doh; I couldn't change the dazed expression if I tried.

Finally, after an hour of this garbage, somehow we decide to part company. I placated him and told him I'd take his suggestion to go get counseling, and I promised I would contact him just as soon as I decided I was going to kill myself after all so he could talk me out of it.

How he came up with all this crap is something I cannot fathom. He simply made up stuff in order to give himself some kind of purpose. I wanted my dick sucked -- he wanted to save a soul or some such bullshit.

Now, I COULD have killed myself out of sheer boredom while listening to him, but prior to that, though I was down and out, I wasn't contemplating a Final Exit by any stretch of the imagination.

So... a general lesson, then: the word "Jesus" is an erection-killer. It would probably be wise to not get into religious and/or philosophical discussions when you want to get your dick off!

Thought you might get a kick out of those stories.

DO NOT let them bum you out, and do not get bummed by your recent experience. Even though it didn't come close to the steamy, hot sex you want, you still have a great story of your own. And I bet there were a FEW aspects of it all that were enjoyable -- even if most of them were your fantasies as you drove to meet the guy, dashed though they might have been when he opened the door!

Sometimes, just the thrill of DOING something new and different can be a lot of fun.

Guys tend to get restless and horny during the winter months. The holidays often find lots of men itching for sex. I bet you get a lot of offers in the next few months. Probably you'll have some good times and some not-so-good times. Roll with it.

Thanks for sharing.

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